Thinking

Thinking
It's never really good when i do, but alas, i have been provoked. I just watched the movie "THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING PANTS" and i loved it and once again a movie set in motion the wheels of thought in my head and spawned forth yet another one of my confusing introspections. Ya Ya.

It disturbs me a little that fiction is the one outlet i have in my life that frees me to feel connected to reality. But in all honesty it isn't really reality i am connecting with, i connect with fiction. How i wish there were some deep, dark ghost in my past that is the stem of all my inner malfunctions. There is nothing wrong with me. Yet i find life so difficult to cope with. So difficult, in fact, that i run away from anything real and try and hide in a world my mind creates. I try so hard to create the illusion of complication to keep me busy enough to ignore the monstrous boredom and frivolity that is my life.

I fancy myself having a scripted life because as we all know, scripted is so much better and smoother and wittier and funnier and more ironic and interesting and engaging than impromptu. What's ironic is that impromptu gets to a point where it begins repeating itself and almost becomes mundane and predictable, whereas with a script, one is free to create new situations, with new lines and new dilemmas and one can avoid repetition because one knows what has come before and avoids using it again.

I hate reality TV. It is all so boring and silly to me really. I am not a fan of boring non-fiction, in fact the only non-fiction i like to read include biographies, autobiographies and general stories about peoples lives....interesting stories....that almost seem fictional. Where am i going with all this? i dunno. I suppose that the reason i drown myself in fiction and thought and such related things is because i am searching for reality. Real reality. Somewhere buried in all this fiction, there has got to be something real for me. The real me. The happier me. The me i can't seem to tap into.I feel numb. Not physically, I'm not sure numb how. I feel like i need to find perfect love or perfect pain or something hard and tangible in order to feel. i feel like i don't feel. I feel numb. It is the most restless, disturbing feeling in the world.

Not to feel.

To have no impact whatsoever on the world. To feel as if your very existence is meaningless and does not shake anyone else's world even just a little. To feel forgotten even before you have left this world. But what are you looking for?

Love. I am looking for love. They say love is that thing that happens to you when you open up your soul to someone else and they complete you. They replace loneliness with companionship. They replace anger with happiness. They replace emptiness with fulfillment. They make you feel. They awaken the inner being in you and converse with your very spirit. You no longer have to do things to get applause or attention because you hold every minute of their attention, whether they realize it or not. And yet at the same time, you must also know that they hold your destruction in the very palm of their hands. Just as they can make you feel complete, they can break you into a million pieces and proceed to walk all over the broken bits of you until they grind you into dust and oblivion. That's the scary part of trusting someone with your heart. It is a very fragile thing and if you entrust the wrong person with it.....

Despite this knowledge, the desire remains so strong. I want a best friend. If i have to be honest with myself, i have never really had one. Ever. Friendship for me has always been fleeting and i suppose that is why i feel so alone, i have no one i can say anchors me. My idealistic image of love is of a best friend. Someone i can lay down with and melt into and hide in. Who won't ask any questions or accuse. Who won't......who just....won't.It's late and i have no idea what any of this means