In a word......blah.

Happiness has been that ever-elusive figment of my imagination that i have tried more than desperately to chase down, wrestle into submission and conquer for......always.

Just a thought.

I got hit on by yet ANOTHER old guy today. I dunno what it is man. Why i attract the almost deceased. I mean he looked about forty something. I realize forty is not old, but in regards to love, sex and all things good in that vien, forty is no longer appealing to the twenty-something yr old.

On a lighter note, yesterday's old guy was white. So apparently i have to look good for white guys now too. I always thought i was invisible, deaf and dumb to them. Shocking really. I suppose i will stop looking so frightful when they are around. Who knows? Attraction might manifest itself mutually.

Today was high stress because i had a deadline due. I have another tomorrow and i hate my beat. I hate my reporting job. I really want to quit and become a business major. I already live in heightened states of anxiety anyways and now it is worse. Physically i am always feeling as jittery as one who is terrified. My heartbeat is way too fast all the time, i shiver a lot and i never have peace.

Perhaps it is just the laziness factor. I have no motivation to do anything but i do everything anyway and end up feeling sick. I feel sick. Not pessimism. I really do think something is horribly wrong. I feel as though i might have a heart attack one fine day. Scary thought actually. Hypochondriac.

I watched on of my favourite episodes of Friends this afternoon while having my dinner. The one where Monica gets a horrible review in the paper and Joey and her join a beginner's cooking class. And Ross and Rachel go baby shopping and Ross picks up the saleslady. And Phoebe tells Chandler he is horrible at first impressions. It was funny. I am dying for close relationships like that. Perhaps i should take into consideration that those friendships were idealistically constructed by writers and life is not as funny. But despite all that, your friends are meant to be your lifelines, the ones who make everything ok.

Week three and i still have no friends. Granted i have no time and i haven't come across anyone i connect with or that really gets me.

It is destructive to try and have other humans validate you and it is the mark of the classic insecure person. But knowing this doesn't take away that basic human desire does it?