I am befuddled. Constantly. It's just not on.
She is not dead. Just like a ghost. I know only the little bits I have seen and heard about her and the bits my mind has constructed of her. I have absolutely nothing against her. I am sure she is a really nice girl and perfect and all albeit a bit of weight, but which one of us doesn't have that. And yet I really dislike her very much. I hate that but I truly do. Everything about her seems to show me up. And worse off than the rest, from the past.
She is constant. She is friends with the family. He has told his mum about her, despite the perceived reaction, he felt strongly enough about her to tell his mum. She cooks for him. Constantly. With oodles and oodles of love I am sure. He has cooked for her. She sends him email cards and signs them with love. She is great with children, a born mother. The right race. The right hair. Gorgeous hair. Despite the nasty things he says about her to throw me off the course, I know he loves her. She definitely loves him to the core of her being. I'm rather sure she would die for him at this point.
And yet I dislike her. You'd think I'd be happy for him. after all my whole premise is that I want the bet for him and what makes him happy. And she seems to fit the bill. There is plenty I may not know but she does. So what's the problem here. Why hang on for decades it seems for something empty and fruitless. Why should I go crazy and lose my self respect and my mind over something that could have been resolved ages ago by simply letting go, moving on and getting on with life?
This is ridiculous. I can't go on like this. I simply can't. I thought him physically leaving will do the trick but it will just leave me empty and unfulfilled and wasted. I don't fancy being wasted. And yet.... four years nearly. Wasted. Bloody hell. No wonder I'm barking mad these days.
So. The question is. How do I finally get a grip and get the balls to leave and cut it off on my term? Is it selfish and not humble to? Should I care whose terms it ends on as long as it ends? That is a question I battled with for ages. I tried to let go. A few months ago I was determined. On the absolute brink of madness and I wanted out. I went as far as telling my mum about it all. About never being quantified. Watching others who knew less and had spent less time be quantified. Telling mum was it because I could never go back and have anything real after that. She wouldn't allow it. WOuldn't be happy about it. Yet now I just avoid the topic all together when I ring mum. It's as if I am lying to my mum. And why should I lie at all? I haven't done anything wrong. I never asked for any of this. I never pursued and I always backed off or tried to. I never stepped on toes. I was never the guilty party. But he has made me feel the guilty party the entire time. As if I owed penance. I did not. I was never wrong. I was simply stupid. Surely that can't be a crime. And yet I get punished for it daily. Reminded of my inferior status in the lives of those who feel they are privileged enough to waste somebody's time and waste years that could have been spent finding some sort of happiness.
But who can you blame when you allow yourself to be wasted. It's really no one else's fault but your own I'm afraid. And you must make the decision to stop being wasted and allow yourself to be valued. Starting with you. So, what will it be? Shall I continue to be wasted until you are ready to go off and find value elsewhere? Or should I move along. No hard feelings. I just want to be quantified. Being wasted is really sucking my soul out.
