This will have to be short, I am running late for prayer thing. Anyway I had to write this before I forget. I went out with him last night to the movies. Everything was fine until I made a quick call to my uncle to wish him Happy Birthday. After I hung up he was quiet, a little sullen. In the movie he practically sat waaaay across from me and didn't say a word to me. One the ride hme he was quiet and blasted his music and then dropped me off and drove off with the quickness.
He's become me. I dunno what I did but I know he was itching to get away from me last night. Wow. We shall delve deeper into this a little later, gotta run.
Thursday, August 9
Wednesday, August 8
My Hair
Ugh. I've been in braids for too long this time. Again. I always do this to myself. And then I'm going to get it relaxed again. And then it will break off. Why? Why do I abuse my hair?
Because I have no time or patience to wait for it to get its damn act together.
I work where my witch of a boss-lady wants me to look pristine all the time and will not let me wear my head scarves. Fine. But if it is not relaxed, it will look atrocious. I mean atrocious.
And I am dreading having to undo all the tiny little braids. One. By. One. Its nothing new to me but usually when I am home, my dad (yes, my dad) helps me out. And mum and the sibs do too. Now I have no one to help me undo my hair. And its gonna take forever. And having the ladies at the salon do it will cost me $65. The hell!
This is gonna suck so bad.
Because I have no time or patience to wait for it to get its damn act together.
I work where my witch of a boss-lady wants me to look pristine all the time and will not let me wear my head scarves. Fine. But if it is not relaxed, it will look atrocious. I mean atrocious.
And I am dreading having to undo all the tiny little braids. One. By. One. Its nothing new to me but usually when I am home, my dad (yes, my dad) helps me out. And mum and the sibs do too. Now I have no one to help me undo my hair. And its gonna take forever. And having the ladies at the salon do it will cost me $65. The hell!
This is gonna suck so bad.
Monday, August 6
Falling
Life's lessons are funny sometimes. Well, I take that back. It is not so much the lessons that are funny, but the way we learn, and then sometimes, almost immediately forget what we have learned. The Bible (yes kids, been delving into that more these days. about buggery time really) says that we should not be like the man who looks in the mirror and then when he turns away, immediately forgets his own reflection. Or something like that. I dare say perhaps I must spend a bit more time in it before I start quoting things incorrectly, but I'm pretty convinced that bit is right. Right?
I digress. Anyway my point is, we should not forget what we have learned. And certainly not so quickly.
Last week tore me up inside. My realization shattered my world a bit and though I do think I may have over exaggerated the slightest bit, I still was genuine in my anguish.
My plan was to cut him off. And I almost managed. My behavior was awkward and foreign for him. He was baffled and then maddened by it because he did not understand what was going on with me and how he could fix it. He knew deep down it was tied to him though I denied it vehemently.
And he almost let me be. But he didn't. He hung on long enough and caught me in a vulnerable point. Don't lose heart yet, all is not lost.
But I do feel afraid. I am terrified of falling into it all over again. A part of me feels that it surely won't happen because of what I went through last week. I am afraid to feel that raw emotion again. But my frozen heart has begun to melt once again.
I am such a deluded moron.
A scab has formed over the wound and the pain, though still there, is more of a sad memory than anything. Could I have been so fickle to have thought that deep, raw emotion was linked to something deep? Or did I react shockingly to something really rather shallow?
I am not in love. I'm not. That is what I keep telling myself. Over and over and over again. You would think I was in denial. It isn't love, honestly. Even I know that.
I admit it. I was warm to him. I know, I know I know. But I was. I'm sorry. It is my nature. It is a stupid nature, but I can't deny it.
Last Thursday we went to the Planetarium to see the new show I had been wanting to see. It was a standing date and so I complied. I went. We went to dinner afterwards. I wasn't the least bit hungry but I went. I don't know why. Despite myself, I missed him. Ugh. Disgusting.
It was awkwardish. I tried to be sociable but he saw right through me. He seemed angry. He drove me home. In the parking lot I sat in his car and I just could not take not communicating anymore.
I asked him why he was angry.
He said because I had turned into someone he did not know. I told him I was going through some things. He said he knew it wasn't just my great gran's death. He asked me what my problem was. I told him I could not tell him. He asked if he was it, or if he was involved. I said no. He said Okay. I told him I knew he thought I was lying.
We had quite the conversation. In the process, he said it was as if I had been a caterpillar who, instead of being the butterfly I was meant to be, had turned myself into a moth. He said he had been angry with me this week because I shut him out and did not trust him enough to share my problem with him. He said he hated the person I was becoming. I wasn't the person he thought he knew. He said he would miss me and things between us would be different from now on but he would have to accept it if that was what I thought was best for me.
Ugh. My need to smooth things over and not have conflict led me to appease the situation. I told him I did not want to shut him out. A half lie. I told him I would try harder to be myself again.
Why would I say that? It is so stupid now. I fell into another trap. I hate this.
And now we're "cool" again.
But the problem is still there, larger than ever. I just chose to ignore it. But I can't. Because I keep coming back to it. Like just now. Something happened and I was shaken again. I can't keep doing this. This is not healthy. I'm desperate to shake him.
He is out of own at the moment, flying back tonight. Last night we were text messaging and he said "You're my girl" very randomly at some point. This is so blatantly obvious its laughable. I know he wants to be sincere and he probably thinks and truly believes he is. But I know that what I want and what he has to give are on two different planets right now. I have no clue what the future holds. But I know that any future between us is going to be bitter-sweet at best.
Right now it is all very bitter-sweet. That is not a good sensation. Sweet and sour is one thing, and perhaps it works for what it is. It compliments itself. Yet bitter-sweet cancels itself out don't you think? The sweet is destroyed by the bitter and the bitter is never made any better by the sweet. At the end of the day, bitter-sweet just leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and makes the sweet rather redundant.
I'm scared of falling into the habit of ignoring things and letting my problems walk all over me and hurt me over and over again. He is such a big problem. But the magnetic pull to him is fierce. I need to cut him out but I'm scared to death of the void he will leave. Am I wrong for that? Will the void just leave room for true happiness? Or will the void drive me insane and lead me to worse hims.
I don't really know.
I digress. Anyway my point is, we should not forget what we have learned. And certainly not so quickly.
Last week tore me up inside. My realization shattered my world a bit and though I do think I may have over exaggerated the slightest bit, I still was genuine in my anguish.
My plan was to cut him off. And I almost managed. My behavior was awkward and foreign for him. He was baffled and then maddened by it because he did not understand what was going on with me and how he could fix it. He knew deep down it was tied to him though I denied it vehemently.
And he almost let me be. But he didn't. He hung on long enough and caught me in a vulnerable point. Don't lose heart yet, all is not lost.
But I do feel afraid. I am terrified of falling into it all over again. A part of me feels that it surely won't happen because of what I went through last week. I am afraid to feel that raw emotion again. But my frozen heart has begun to melt once again.
I am such a deluded moron.
A scab has formed over the wound and the pain, though still there, is more of a sad memory than anything. Could I have been so fickle to have thought that deep, raw emotion was linked to something deep? Or did I react shockingly to something really rather shallow?
I am not in love. I'm not. That is what I keep telling myself. Over and over and over again. You would think I was in denial. It isn't love, honestly. Even I know that.
I admit it. I was warm to him. I know, I know I know. But I was. I'm sorry. It is my nature. It is a stupid nature, but I can't deny it.
Last Thursday we went to the Planetarium to see the new show I had been wanting to see. It was a standing date and so I complied. I went. We went to dinner afterwards. I wasn't the least bit hungry but I went. I don't know why. Despite myself, I missed him. Ugh. Disgusting.
It was awkwardish. I tried to be sociable but he saw right through me. He seemed angry. He drove me home. In the parking lot I sat in his car and I just could not take not communicating anymore.
I asked him why he was angry.
He said because I had turned into someone he did not know. I told him I was going through some things. He said he knew it wasn't just my great gran's death. He asked me what my problem was. I told him I could not tell him. He asked if he was it, or if he was involved. I said no. He said Okay. I told him I knew he thought I was lying.
We had quite the conversation. In the process, he said it was as if I had been a caterpillar who, instead of being the butterfly I was meant to be, had turned myself into a moth. He said he had been angry with me this week because I shut him out and did not trust him enough to share my problem with him. He said he hated the person I was becoming. I wasn't the person he thought he knew. He said he would miss me and things between us would be different from now on but he would have to accept it if that was what I thought was best for me.
Ugh. My need to smooth things over and not have conflict led me to appease the situation. I told him I did not want to shut him out. A half lie. I told him I would try harder to be myself again.
Why would I say that? It is so stupid now. I fell into another trap. I hate this.
And now we're "cool" again.
But the problem is still there, larger than ever. I just chose to ignore it. But I can't. Because I keep coming back to it. Like just now. Something happened and I was shaken again. I can't keep doing this. This is not healthy. I'm desperate to shake him.
He is out of own at the moment, flying back tonight. Last night we were text messaging and he said "You're my girl" very randomly at some point. This is so blatantly obvious its laughable. I know he wants to be sincere and he probably thinks and truly believes he is. But I know that what I want and what he has to give are on two different planets right now. I have no clue what the future holds. But I know that any future between us is going to be bitter-sweet at best.
Right now it is all very bitter-sweet. That is not a good sensation. Sweet and sour is one thing, and perhaps it works for what it is. It compliments itself. Yet bitter-sweet cancels itself out don't you think? The sweet is destroyed by the bitter and the bitter is never made any better by the sweet. At the end of the day, bitter-sweet just leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and makes the sweet rather redundant.
I'm scared of falling into the habit of ignoring things and letting my problems walk all over me and hurt me over and over again. He is such a big problem. But the magnetic pull to him is fierce. I need to cut him out but I'm scared to death of the void he will leave. Am I wrong for that? Will the void just leave room for true happiness? Or will the void drive me insane and lead me to worse hims.
I don't really know.
Tuesday, July 31
Rough.
Yesterday was rough. Today was OK until around 4 p.m. when it threatened to be rough like yesterday. I woke up OK. I had cried and felt like crap yesterday but running into Lynn really helped. I had cried out in anguish for an angel and she was there. She prayed for me and I woke up ok. I had no idea she had prayed for me until later in the day.
I have to get through this right? Yes. I will. It is just GOING THROUGH it that is hard. I saw him today. Yesterday he went home sick so I was spared. But today he was there. I almost lost it again. My great-gran died over the weekend and he knew about it and thought that was the reason I was a little bit of a mess.
I really didn't want him to see me fall apart and I held it together as best as I could. He looked so helpless though. Like he wanted to bring the old me back because this sad, anguished me was making him uncomfortable. He asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I was so tempted. I rationalized, saying, I can do this. I am weaning off him but do not need to totally cut him off.
But I didn't cave. I said no. He was a little surprised but understood. Well, as much as he can understand anyway. He texted me after he left. Said once again that he hated seeing me this way and that he really did care about me. ALOT. That is exactly how he put it. And that he missed me. The old me I suppose. Then when I took a while to respond he sent me another one saying how gay he musted have sounded. He's self conscious I guess.
This is so hard. I long to be myself again with him but I know that can never happen. Working with him makes it hard to avoid him but I never thought it would go this far and now my common sense is laughing at me. It is so hard.
He looked amazing today. He was slightly ill and vulnerable and I was drawn to him but held back. He seems so helpless which was adorable. But he is not mine. He isn't even what I need in life at all. He is Hindu and a lot older and it could never be. But that doesn't cancel out the longing I guess. I got too used to him and I got confused. I really underestimated my emotions and now I am suffering but I am hoping that everyday is a step toward healing.
I hate to get so hung up on such petty things you know? I hate myself for letting this happen and letting it get to me. There are so many more things worthy of my worry and time and thought but this is what I dwell on? This is what captures my heart? Why? Because I feel alone.
But I'm not. I prayed for an angel and Lynn was there. She reminded me of God's loving grace. She is the angel I need and I can honestly say I can see myself growing to love her dearly. She is such an inspiration and God is pulling through for me. Otherwise there would be no Lynn in my life to help me pick up the pieces. Thank You.
I have to get through this right? Yes. I will. It is just GOING THROUGH it that is hard. I saw him today. Yesterday he went home sick so I was spared. But today he was there. I almost lost it again. My great-gran died over the weekend and he knew about it and thought that was the reason I was a little bit of a mess.
I really didn't want him to see me fall apart and I held it together as best as I could. He looked so helpless though. Like he wanted to bring the old me back because this sad, anguished me was making him uncomfortable. He asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I was so tempted. I rationalized, saying, I can do this. I am weaning off him but do not need to totally cut him off.
But I didn't cave. I said no. He was a little surprised but understood. Well, as much as he can understand anyway. He texted me after he left. Said once again that he hated seeing me this way and that he really did care about me. ALOT. That is exactly how he put it. And that he missed me. The old me I suppose. Then when I took a while to respond he sent me another one saying how gay he musted have sounded. He's self conscious I guess.
This is so hard. I long to be myself again with him but I know that can never happen. Working with him makes it hard to avoid him but I never thought it would go this far and now my common sense is laughing at me. It is so hard.
He looked amazing today. He was slightly ill and vulnerable and I was drawn to him but held back. He seems so helpless which was adorable. But he is not mine. He isn't even what I need in life at all. He is Hindu and a lot older and it could never be. But that doesn't cancel out the longing I guess. I got too used to him and I got confused. I really underestimated my emotions and now I am suffering but I am hoping that everyday is a step toward healing.
I hate to get so hung up on such petty things you know? I hate myself for letting this happen and letting it get to me. There are so many more things worthy of my worry and time and thought but this is what I dwell on? This is what captures my heart? Why? Because I feel alone.
But I'm not. I prayed for an angel and Lynn was there. She reminded me of God's loving grace. She is the angel I need and I can honestly say I can see myself growing to love her dearly. She is such an inspiration and God is pulling through for me. Otherwise there would be no Lynn in my life to help me pick up the pieces. Thank You.
Monday, July 30
My soul is cast down within me and my tears are my food and water night and day. They keep asking me, 'where is your God?'
I think I was not careful enough. The no-strings-just-for-fun became a lot more than I could bear and my heart was sucked in. I fell in love with the idea and my heart is breaking and I feel as if my head will burst from the pain of it all.
I spent the weekend in tears. And now I am an unstable powder keg of emotions I can not will away. I am trying so hard to move past this but I suppose it is necessary to go through the motions and feel every slow, agonizing bit of it so that I will learn. So that I will stop making the same foolish mistakes. I do not need chastisement or I told you so. I do not need platitudes. I just need a friend. A friend in this world who can understand and feel my pain. I am in such pain. I am so deluded and now that the smoke has cleared some, I can see the damage that fiery emotions and actions have wreaked on my soul.
I have been such a fool. Such a fool. And I can't wait to be past this. Oh my God, help me out of my misery though I know I deserve it. My soul is reaping the consequences of my thoughtless actions. I am so in pain. My heart is bruised.
I was such a fool. He was like candy. Artificially sweet. I was fooled by the wrapping.
It truly hurts my heart. I really can't let go. The one thing I know I should RUN away from, run so very fast and far from.... is the one thing I keep being drawn to. The one thing I can't walk away from. The one thing that has my eyes swimming in tears and my heart ripping to shreds.
I fooled us both. Said I was a big girl in control of my emotions. Said I was not investing anything at all. And in my mind I didn't. In my logic I was in command of everything. But love is no respecter of logic. I suppose I may be hasty in calling it true love. But the pain feels as bad as I can ever hope to feel again so it has to be. Doesn't it? It must be love. Otherwise I don't know how I will cope.
My brooding mind is shattering. My bruised heart is weeping. My liquid eyes melting.
Every time I think I have gotten through the worst of it, I hit another wall of raw pain. A new avenue of hurt.
I was ok until I began to get used to him. I got used to him. Used to seeing him everyday. Talking to him every night. Being held by his caressing arms. Being warmed by his tender kisses and excited by his more urgent ones. Feeling connected to him to the point where I did not want to let go. I fooled myself. I thought it was ok. But it wasn't ok. It was wrong. So wrong. So very wrong. He was not mine. I was not his. I was used for amusement. And I fell hook, line and sinker for the words I knew in my spirit were empty. But I so needed to be touched. So needed to be paid attention to. So needed to be loved. And therein lies my fatal error. I was not loved. I was enjoyed. For the moment.
Eleven times. It was so dangerous. He was so dangerous. And the really shocking thing of it? I KNEW he was going to break my heart. I knew it from the first moment. I knew it from that very first time. I was certain my heart would be broken.
If only I knew how bad it would feel. I thought the pain I felt in the past was it. It only gets more intense. Only gets deeper. My old wounds have healed and left scars but these new ones are raw and bleeding and crying out. My mind is screaming at me. HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID. HOW COULD YOU BE SO. Stupid.
Why don't you love yourself? Why can't you see that you deserve so much more than what you allow yourself. Why won't you wait and trust HIM who knows what you need. Why must you give in to your impulses and miss out on the joy your spirit longs for. You can not fill the emptiness with things that are fleeting. You can not expect sand to be the same as gold just because you will it to be. Act like sand, you will seek and find sand. Act like gold, and gold will find you.
My soul is cast down within me and I put my hope in God. Because right now, I have nothing. My life is a ruins and I need to have hope in Him or else I am truly nothing.
Please save me from myself. Please make this stop. Don't let me find this place again.
I think I was not careful enough. The no-strings-just-for-fun became a lot more than I could bear and my heart was sucked in. I fell in love with the idea and my heart is breaking and I feel as if my head will burst from the pain of it all.
I spent the weekend in tears. And now I am an unstable powder keg of emotions I can not will away. I am trying so hard to move past this but I suppose it is necessary to go through the motions and feel every slow, agonizing bit of it so that I will learn. So that I will stop making the same foolish mistakes. I do not need chastisement or I told you so. I do not need platitudes. I just need a friend. A friend in this world who can understand and feel my pain. I am in such pain. I am so deluded and now that the smoke has cleared some, I can see the damage that fiery emotions and actions have wreaked on my soul.
I have been such a fool. Such a fool. And I can't wait to be past this. Oh my God, help me out of my misery though I know I deserve it. My soul is reaping the consequences of my thoughtless actions. I am so in pain. My heart is bruised.
I was such a fool. He was like candy. Artificially sweet. I was fooled by the wrapping.
It truly hurts my heart. I really can't let go. The one thing I know I should RUN away from, run so very fast and far from.... is the one thing I keep being drawn to. The one thing I can't walk away from. The one thing that has my eyes swimming in tears and my heart ripping to shreds.
I fooled us both. Said I was a big girl in control of my emotions. Said I was not investing anything at all. And in my mind I didn't. In my logic I was in command of everything. But love is no respecter of logic. I suppose I may be hasty in calling it true love. But the pain feels as bad as I can ever hope to feel again so it has to be. Doesn't it? It must be love. Otherwise I don't know how I will cope.
My brooding mind is shattering. My bruised heart is weeping. My liquid eyes melting.
Every time I think I have gotten through the worst of it, I hit another wall of raw pain. A new avenue of hurt.
I was ok until I began to get used to him. I got used to him. Used to seeing him everyday. Talking to him every night. Being held by his caressing arms. Being warmed by his tender kisses and excited by his more urgent ones. Feeling connected to him to the point where I did not want to let go. I fooled myself. I thought it was ok. But it wasn't ok. It was wrong. So wrong. So very wrong. He was not mine. I was not his. I was used for amusement. And I fell hook, line and sinker for the words I knew in my spirit were empty. But I so needed to be touched. So needed to be paid attention to. So needed to be loved. And therein lies my fatal error. I was not loved. I was enjoyed. For the moment.
Eleven times. It was so dangerous. He was so dangerous. And the really shocking thing of it? I KNEW he was going to break my heart. I knew it from the first moment. I knew it from that very first time. I was certain my heart would be broken.
If only I knew how bad it would feel. I thought the pain I felt in the past was it. It only gets more intense. Only gets deeper. My old wounds have healed and left scars but these new ones are raw and bleeding and crying out. My mind is screaming at me. HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID. HOW COULD YOU BE SO. Stupid.
Why don't you love yourself? Why can't you see that you deserve so much more than what you allow yourself. Why won't you wait and trust HIM who knows what you need. Why must you give in to your impulses and miss out on the joy your spirit longs for. You can not fill the emptiness with things that are fleeting. You can not expect sand to be the same as gold just because you will it to be. Act like sand, you will seek and find sand. Act like gold, and gold will find you.
My soul is cast down within me and I put my hope in God. Because right now, I have nothing. My life is a ruins and I need to have hope in Him or else I am truly nothing.
Please save me from myself. Please make this stop. Don't let me find this place again.
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