Blessed

I really am. I don't write enough about the good things that have happened to me and continue to happen to me. So I got a car. God must have heard the prayers of SOMEONE out there who is praying for me and miraculously provided for me when I had pretty much given up. I am truly humbled to the point of being baffled. I don't know what to do with this blessing, I honestly don't. It came through a good friend who I have not been the nicest friend to and a part of me feels that God did that on purpose because I rarely appreciate what I have and the people he has placed in my life. I feel bad in a way because I am so humbled and in a very strange way I feel convicted. I dunno what is wrong with me but I m deeply humbled and grateful.

When a woman loves... she loves for real

And typically it is in vain.

On a lighter note, mum might be coming for my graduation. I am truly grateful for everything God has given and provided for me, more than I could have deserved in fifty lifetimes. And yet somehow I feel the same as I did at the end of undergrad. Void. I don't see my graduation as an accomplishment on my part. I feel detached. As if it is someone else, not me. I feel like I am outside of myself and I don't have any real emotions anymore aside from bitterness. Why? I have been so blessed despite this ungrateful attitude. I am grateful and humbled. But something else is warring with my emotions inside. It has been a war inside me for a really long time, to the point where I don't know that it is something that will go away. I see other people and they get happy and excited. I don't have extreme emotions towards positivity. My extreme emotions skew towards the negative and I have no clue why I am not more balanced.

Anyway he is leaving soon and I have tried my hardest but I have no idea what is inside me anymore. Its a void. Its a sad, gaping, white void. Blindingly so. Gosh, why is this the shape of my heart and soul?

The trigger this morning was another realization that no matter how I will it, he will never love me. I teased, saying he is incapable of love. I know that is not at all true. I have seen glimpses of his capacity to love. Others. To love others. And I am ok with the realization now (not really). I don't feel the way I used to for him. Now, the feelings have plateaud and I am a walking void. Sad isn't it?

We will see if one day someone comes by and reawakens me. I am the damned. I am the dead. I am the agony inside the dying head.

Yet another documented bad day.

It's not the man in your life that counts. It's the life in your man."

And the one in my life is chasing after the lives of others and not at all interested. So. Sod him. Sod it all right? Yeah easier said than done. Here goes the roller-coaster once again. It is times like this I really wish I drank and could drown myself in a bottle of something. It's probably good that I don't much fancy the bottle, just an occasional nip here and there and even that is hard to get down. Lol. So. Here we go. Let's get heartbroken and used and knackered all over again. True to form. Why couldn't I be more like Mae West? Footloose, fancy-free and never tethered. Oh Mae, some help here please!

I just hate my horrible life

I have been blessed tremendously in the last year. I have. But I can not help getting down about my life still. Yes I have a degree. But no real job prospects. Yes I have a job right now. But I don't know for how long.

I don't have a car and its hurting me so bad. Having to walk home every night and seeing everyone in their cars. Able to do what they please. And I feel like crying every single day as I wait for the bus or walk home in the cold by myself. Every time i have to ask someone for a ride it kills another part of my independent soul. Or what I wish was my independent soul. I am all alone out here. I don't know that going home would be any better but I am honestly, deeply and completely depressed. And I do not want to be. I am alone. I don't have a car. I feel alone and I am wondering what my existence is worth. right now nothing. I am doing no one any good by being alive. I am not suicidal despite how it sounds. But I am tired. I feel about 100 years old and I am dying slowly inside. I feel like I have nothing at all. I am at the very bottom and I am alone and there is nothing I can do about it.

My heart is black as soot. Bitterness is slowly killing the person I once was. I am literally dying.

Death twice....

His dad died.

I was there in an hour. Borrowed a car and drove out to him. He was hurt. Shaking. Guilt ridden. I felt helpless, what could i do. I packed his bag an was there. She was there too. It was awkward but what could I do? I felt for him so much my soul hurt. I stayed with him after she left. drove him to the airport. Got home and was in a daze. Told him I would be vegetarian with him while he mourned. Stayed up all night worried sick waiting for him to get home safe. It was emotional for him and my heart truly was broken for him. I felt him deep in my soul. Was there as much as I knew to be. Agreed to take care of things on this end for him.

An this morning.... my heart shattered again. I should be used to it by now.

Saying anymore is pointless now. His father died and ten today, I died again.