And typically it is in vain.
On a lighter note, mum might be coming for my graduation. I am truly grateful for everything God has given and provided for me, more than I could have deserved in fifty lifetimes. And yet somehow I feel the same as I did at the end of undergrad. Void. I don't see my graduation as an accomplishment on my part. I feel detached. As if it is someone else, not me. I feel like I am outside of myself and I don't have any real emotions anymore aside from bitterness. Why? I have been so blessed despite this ungrateful attitude. I am grateful and humbled. But something else is warring with my emotions inside. It has been a war inside me for a really long time, to the point where I don't know that it is something that will go away. I see other people and they get happy and excited. I don't have extreme emotions towards positivity. My extreme emotions skew towards the negative and I have no clue why I am not more balanced.
Anyway he is leaving soon and I have tried my hardest but I have no idea what is inside me anymore. Its a void. Its a sad, gaping, white void. Blindingly so. Gosh, why is this the shape of my heart and soul?
The trigger this morning was another realization that no matter how I will it, he will never love me. I teased, saying he is incapable of love. I know that is not at all true. I have seen glimpses of his capacity to love. Others. To love others. And I am ok with the realization now (not really). I don't feel the way I used to for him. Now, the feelings have plateaud and I am a walking void. Sad isn't it?
We will see if one day someone comes by and reawakens me. I am the damned. I am the dead. I am the agony inside the dying head.
Yet another documented bad day.
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