I've gone and shagged my boss

My stomach hurts. No, not becuz of the title of this post, though that would be appropriate. I suppose the half can of blue full throttle and the cheez-its for breakfast must have something to do with my tummy ache. Ugh.

So its been about three months and, as expected, I've managed to make life that much worse for myself. I have become that woman of ill-repute that you read about and tsk-tsk because she is just so scandalous. Ok, I tend to exaggerate an awful lot, but you have to admit you are a bit curious as to what I have done and how I managed to screw it all up arent you? Yes you are.

Last time I blogged fairly consistently I was going on about the bloke from my country who I was pseudo dating and who I found out had a kid. That was a shocker and made me think...for a split second and then I just pretended it had not been said. Blinking moron. So because there were no othr prospects, I indulged whatever that was between me and him though I admit that I ignored him a lot more and began losing much more interest. He began to get annoying , but I have no clue why. I suppose I just ignored all the annoying bits before and when my interest began to wan, I noticed them a lot more.

In comes my boss who I had been talking to a lot more now. I would tease him and he'd tease me back and several times I thought I might be developing a mini crush on him. Then I would think, thats ridiculous. He's nine years older than me, got a girlfriend (an "open" relationship is still a relationship in my book) and is so not someone who would wake up one morning and be like "oh my goodness I think I love you." I mean let's be realistic about life here shall we? Yes, we shall.

So at some point we had this ritual of going for drinks after work on Fridays. Ok, so it was only twice, whatever. Anyway I do not drink for pleasure. I do not seek out alcohol and to be honest I am not a big fan. I'd rather have a coke, you know? But I went and I drank and it was all just to spend time with him Do I sound pathetic yet? Oh no, it gets wore. Sit tight.

So after the second week I was talking to him a lot more liberally. We began text messaging a lot. My last phone bill was atrocious because I had not switched over to unlimited texts mesages yet. I have now. I average about 3000 a month, just with him. Ya. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. OK. So at this point my confusion level is at a very high level right? What does this man want from me? Why is he spending so much time with me? Is he really with his chick or what? What does he really think of me? Why wont he leave me alone? Why am I indulging this when I know damn well this is dangerous territory and at some point I will be hurt. I'm such a deluded moron.

We upgraded to him coming over to my flat. At first just hanging out in my TV-less living room trying to make conversation. Awkwardish at times. Then hanging out and his tickling me. What? We never had ANY sort of physical contact before. Red Flag.

Then we went dancing. I'm sorry. People in the 50s and 60s go dancing. No, we went to the club.

Ya. So apprantly I dance like a stripper or a whore or someting, I dunno. Red Flag.

We text for a week and it comes up every so often. "We should do it again sometime" we both say back and forth. Red Flag. Then we did do it again. And on the dance floor he kisses me. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!! We go back to my flat. He comes up. BLOODY RED FLAG DAMN YOU!!!

We make out. Half naked girl. Majorly inappropriate behavior. Ay Dios Mio. By this point, it really only was a train track down to hell for me, there was no stopping the runaway train that was my hormones. I was jonesing (is that how you spell that? dunno, whatev) for this man.

The next night he came over with movies. We watched one. And then we made out. And then we shagged. Bollucks the dozey cow. I flipping shagged me boss. Well, manager, but boss in any event. Who is nine years older than me and has a girlfriend. Remember when I asked if you thought I was pathetic earlier? Well, I think now is an appropriate juncture to think that with abandon and even tack on a few other words onto my growing list. Oh yes, I have a list children. A big one. And not an inch of it is good.

So. I'm a whore. I sleep with my boss and I sleep with other girls' men. And the bloody ironic thing in all his? His girlfriend has not shagged him. They have been an item for three years and she is a proper Christian girl who honors her body and did not want to compromise her faith for lust. In three years he has not shagged her and he is still with her. She is basically everything I thought I would be. A virgin and holding fast to her faith and moral values. And I am the classic harlot who deserves nothing less than to be stoned to death. Even biblical Rahab was better than me cuz at least that chick was redeemed and knew better at some point and was even restored in the Lord's eyes to the point of being in the direct lineage of Jesus Christ. The major harlot of the old testament, one of them at least, was better than me. Dear Lord in Heaven, what have I done?

Streaming consciousness

Ay! Dios Mio! I think life is crap. Life is really crap. Bollucks.

I am feeling really lonely for some reason. It comes in waves. Here we go again.

Birthday in two weeks.

Getting older. Responsibility looming.

No internships applied for yet. No job prospects. Graduation in December. Bollucks.

Procrastination, pressure, high blood sugar, anxiety, worry, dread.

I feel claustraphobic. Dunno how to spell that really.

What if I apply, go in for an interview (God only knows how without a car!) and they take one look at me and go "Get out of here! You are ridiculous."

I don't want the pressure but I brought it on by procrastinating.

I'm drowning a little.

AY!

Rethink

Ok, Fine. So I overreacted. It's still stupid to force people to change rather than give them the option you know. Really stupid. But moving on.

The magazine is up. www.zajigirl.com It looks really good and I'm excited about it. But you know its never fun and games in life. Its always stress and stupid stuff and then I'm not so sure if the payoff is worth it in the end sometimes. Sorry, I was in a better mood but I've been hit by the pessimism bug again.

So a lot has happened since I last blogged. The only reason I went through all this today to get back on my blog was because apparently a friend of mine had a friend who googled her name and a picture I put up of her and me on my blog came up and she demanded I take it down. Ya. Then the whole can't-access-my-blog-because-of-stupid-new-things-and-i-really-don't-have-time-for-stupid-things-like-this-right-now thing happened. But we move on.

I got chocolates from one of my random wierd African admirers. Puh. He gave me these horrible cherry chocolate things. I don't even eat chocolates. And he gave me a box. He said it was for Valentines. Puh.

And then as if that wasn't enough, another wierd African man who is stalking me in the laundry room of my apartment complex now keeps giving me this wounded animal look everytime I see him because I told him I had a boyfriend. I don't. But I did tell him I did. Puh.

AND Jackson. Ya, that nickname never stuck but i'll use it for lack of a better alternative. He is calling and messaging me all the time and if there is one thing I can not stand is being pressured, especially by a man. And I can't stand it when people get all mad at you for not calling them back or not picking up the phone EXACTLY when they wanted you to. I admit I feel like that sommetimes, small little pangs of anger when I don't get a response. But I hardly ever act on it. I do not take it so personally so quickly and start telling that person how much they annoyed me.

He called me the other day and I was at work. He works all the time, you'd think he'd understand that I am busy. No. He called and called and called and then eventually messaged and messaged. OH MY GOSH. Get a freaking clue. So I admit I didn't call him back when I got off work. I was tired and did not want to talk to him anyway so I didn't.

Next day he messages and emails and says "So I see you're not picking up my calls now." Puh. Then the next day he calls and I pick up though I am at work. He says he wants to see me this weekend. Great. So I said fine, whatever but I'll be out of town from Saturday afternoon onwards so it'll have to be Friday night.

He messages me Friday night to tell me that he can't go out with me that night because he's tired but he would still like to see me if he could drop by for a minute. I said fine, call me after work. He calls and I am just getting off an extra long shift and am tired and don't really feel like him coming over. I ignore. Then he messages and asks where I am and messages again and tells me to respond asap. Puh.

I don't I get home and my house is a wreck and I dump everything on the floor, turn on the tele and get into bed despite it being around 8 or so on a Friday. I fall asleep. I am woken up by a call from a co-worker who needs me to come into work to lock up the money in the safe because I am the closest manager with authorization into the safe. I notice Jackson called me twice and left me a semi-nasty message. I call him back because I am appalled. I tell him I was tired and fell asleep and he acts all put out because I didn't pick up when he wanted me to. Puh. I tell him he can come over in half an hour when I get off and he says ok. He comes and we chat and chat and then he leaves.

I feel nothing but exhaustion when I think of this little arrangement. We agreed to be friends but he calls me all the time, tells me he misses me and how he really wanted to 'hold' me last time he was over. What the devil?

He still has a kid and I am still upset but I have lost interest almost completely. Almost because there is no rebound guy to obsess over right now. At least no likely prospects.

There are these two guys at work. Both yummy. One is way older than me and has a girlfriend and would not in a million years be interested in me like that if his life depended solely on him just PRETENDING to like me like that. The other is cute but I think a little pretentious in regards to me, he looks at me with this air about him, as if I am this totally pathetic useless kid, though the age gap is barely there. In fact I might be older than him too.

I thought I had gotten over the passing crush on the first guy, especially once I found out he has a girlfriend and his age. But it's coming back in spurts. When I see him. He's cute. Really really cute. But there is so much wrong with this crush, I don't even know where to begin. I.... yeah. I dunno where to start on this one. I hope it fades and goes away soon because I am beginning to feel he suspects that I like him and that is just awkward for everybody. Also, I think some other co-workers are beginning to look at me funny with suspicion too.

The other guy.... I am not so much into this week. He's just fine. Hella fine. Let me stop.

Ok, I have class right now and I am late and already hella behind so I better go. I was going to edit this cuz there are a million mistakes cuz I am typing fast but i'll correct later.

Laters.

STUPID

THIS NEW BLOG THING WITH GOOGLE IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN A WHILE!!!!!!!

It took me forever just to access my stupid blog and now I am just mad not happy at this stupid upgrade. why not leave the damn thing alone freaking bastards. GMAIL? I don't even use that why the hell did i just have to go through all that. I am upset. Bloody freaking wanking todgers.

Bunch of jackasses.

Secrets

He has a kid.

Her name is Nadia and she's three. That's all I know right now.

Ok, I realize I have been AWOL for a long time now but I am still talking about the guy I was talking about last blog. I was kinda dating him. Kinda. It's complicated. He went home for the hols, about three weeks during which we had zero correspondance because of the sitch back home and also the fact that we were not really at that stage yet. He came back right before New Years but he was sick so I didn't see him till after.

He came over a few times. We just hung out. Nothing bad. Then this past Sunday he came over and was meant to stay for half an hour. He stayed for a few hours. And it went too far. And I told him I'd rather just be friends. He admitted he was not looking for a commitment anyway. Fine.

Tuesday I get an email and he tells me there is something about him he wanted to tell me before I found out on my own but that he had been afraid to tell me because he didn't know how i'd react. I asked him what, via email as our schedules are both hella busy. He was being elusive all day and into Wednesday too. Ok, seriously now. I told him I wanted to know. He sent me an email that I didn't read because I worked late and then went straight home where my internet connection is periodically dodgy. I called him. He said he was with his sister and couldn't really talk but that he'd explained in his email, Ok. So by some magic of technological accident I was able to get my internet working and checked my mail.

He said he's got a daughter. A daughter. A three year old. He's 25 this year.

Bloody hell.

I haven't talked to him since. I ignored his calls and messages yesterday and only responded via email last night. I'm upset.

I know it wasn't going to go further even before he told me but I am really upset. He let Sunday night happen knowing that he had a child he hadn't told me about. I am not blaming him for Sunday night. I deliberately let my guard down and let it happen though that still voice in my head kept shrieking at me to stop and not to stupid. I was stupid. I wasn't even.... well let's just say it wasn't worth it on my end. I had to force him to be smart about things. But last week it almost happened and it was happening for about three seconds before my brain kicked in and told me to stop him. He wasn't wearing anything then.

Bloody friggin hell.

Now he tells me he's a father. Shocked? I shouldn't be. He is rather keen when it comes to sex. I am always the restraint and I am also always the one who points out that he needs to be smart about it if he is going to. But I let myself down Sunday. He was protected but still. I'm not on anything.

Thats really not the point here. He has a kid. A child. Another human being that has his blood and genes and calls him daddy I imagine. I don't even know where she is. I dunno anything because I refused to talk to him yesterday. I was a bit shellshocked to be honest.

Why wouldn't he tell me? Why? And why would he allow us to go that far and still not have warned me?

I am not upset he has a kid. I am not judging him for it. I understand that things happen, mistakes are made and you learn to deal. I am not condemning him having a child. I am upset that he failed to mention any of that upfront. He didn't tell me. HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE HAD A BLOODY CHILD. I'm angry at him for that.

Am I wrong to be? Am I overreacting here? I am sick with dread and anxiety and worry. I don't think I'm in "trouble" but the paranoia is bloody overwhelming you know? I am irregular and haven't seen aunt flo for months and that worries me even further. Why do I attract these people? My new year's resolution has gone down the loo hasn't it? I did it. I can't blame anyone else for my weakness. But my God.

Am I wrong for being angry with him? Is it really my business to know that about him considering we were not together? I am angry and angry and even more angry. My stomach is in knots and my head aches.

He has a child dammit. A child.