Thoughts of the Spirit

My friend Clark and I have been emailing back and forth and I have felt really bad after each email I got from him. He is always talking about God which I would love if I wasn't always feeling like the devil when he spoke to me. I used to be that way as a Chirstian and i wonder of living so long in America has made me so......lax. More than I used to be. I am still very much a Christian and a believer in Christ, but I am not as rigid. Perhaps the reality is I am losing touch with God and becoming more cavalier. Could it be that my fears of dilluting my spiritual walk once I came to the States and started living as relaxed and liberated as Americans do has come to pass? Is that really a bad thing? Does it mean I am further away from God than I once was or am I going through the fire that will purify me ultimately? Would I have benefited by staying home in my spiritual comfort zone or am I really losing touch?

This is the email reply i just sent him. I wonder if he'll be offended or hurt. I hope not.


When i say extremist, I do not mean truly living in the word Clark. I mean being so bogged down with the law, you fail to see the real essence of this belief, which is the salvation through Christ, not through following the law meticulously. I see extremists as people who think they know better than everyone else and even God at times, because they get tied down in the rules. My personal relationship with Christ is ever evolving and is based on a lot of mercy. I am not saying i totally chuck the law out the window, but if i break a rule, my life isn't over.

I am mature enough in my faith to know that I need to work on tapping daily into my spirit so that my spirit can converse with the spirit of God. If i am sitting around worried that "Oh gosh, I did this or i am not living perfectly and must get on that before I can even approach God" I will never truly benefit.

The law is there for our protection, not our blind devotion to it.

"Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial" says the Lord. My spiritual nourishment is based on daily reflection of biblical precepts but i am not going to live rigidly. Otherwise there is no way I can ever hope to help those who don't know the Lord or actively choose not to know him.

The problem with most Christians, and i sincerely hope that the impression i get from you that you're headed that way is wrong, is that they get very righteous and feel the need to lecture everyone on how to be serious about God. Yes, people need to know God and stop their sinful ways, but just like teens and kids, lecturing and reprimanding will only drive them further away and further into rebellion. You have to have been a sinner yourself to be able to reach sinners. That is how God connected with us. He came down and went through everything we go through so he could truly say he understands. He lived perfectly and showed us the way, yes.

Christians must not forget that they too were once blind. Empathy is the best way to disarm someone. Instead of looking at sinners with disdain and self-righteous conceit and instead of being so worried about the future, focus on trying to expand the kingdom of God now, through the same patience and mercy he shows us everyday.

If a fifteen year old girl comes to you and says she lost her virginity last night, the last thing to do is condemn her or say how disappointed in her you are because you thought she was above that. She's human. She made a mistake. You were once there too. Realize that and tell her it's ok. You understand and God still cares so much for her. Don't beat her over the head with the bible and say she is not as spiritual as you thought she was or that she seems less devoted to God. Despite what she tells you, you will never ever know what is in her heart, be human first. Connect on a human level and then that will soften hearts and make spirits receptive to you to share God's voice with that person.

Being Christian means we are no longer tied to this earth but we are bound for greater things. However, we are still ON this earth and still human. Find the balance, no need for extremism. You can love God extremely and want to do his will extremely and live for him extremely without being an extremist. There is a difference. Too much of one thing is never good. I'm not saying too much of God is not good, I am saying focusing solely on one aspect of God, the law or living righteously, will deter you from the billions of other facets of who He really is.

I was not asking you to censor your emails Clark. You just seem very judgmental of me lately. I am not saying that because I feel guilty about my life. I don't. I know where I am with God and maybe I just share the problems with you and you think I have lost touch with Him completely and I haven't. It's hard for me to really talk to you about me because I am always afraid you are going to tell me how lazy, less spiritual and disappointing I am to you or how i am so busy I am not giving God his due time in my life.. I know that already, I am imperfect and I do slip a lot. I do not need confirmation on that and if it is all you can offer me, don't.

You know me to have always been someone who takes a lot of life seriously so if you were joking I missed that. If not, then spare me the criticism because that is what I am hearing on my end. I know we're friends and you're trying to help. I just need a human friend, not a priest.

I do care a lot about you, one of my closest friends and I hope you won't get mad and think I am pushing you away. I am just trying to let you know how I really feel, something I don't do often enough with anyone.

Flirtaceous

There is this new guy at work. We'll call him Mr. Danger. He is yet another West African. I am just convinced I have a following from West Africa, I swear. Ok, so he's the only black dude at work and you know ow black folk bond when we see another "us" person.

So he's been around a few weeks and though I hardly ever see him because of our different schedules, I have recently started working Sundays all day and he works with me half that time. Just us. So we talk and laugh and joke but the flirting has begun.

I am really not attracted to him, I just think he's silly. But he has been slowly saying things that are like whoa. He'll be like, "You are a good looking girl," in context to us talking about the dangers of me walking home every night alone.

Ok. Today he said my smile was "intoxicating." Intoxicating. You know, like vodka? Oh dear. Then he's inviterd me to a party for his friend's birthday next Friday and was dying to know what I'd wear to it. We had a whole covnersation on what I would wear to the party and he said he wanted us to go to the movies tonight so he could see what my style is like.

Hmmn.

Then our conversations somehow always get inappropriate. We started talking about what I sleepin. I'll admit, I was playing along because apparantly I like to flirt with guys who show some interest in me and tease them. But it has never ended well for me because these guys end up really liking me and wanting to pursue something and I am not really into them, I was just having fun flirting with someone. Oh Dear.

So I hope I can shake him off before i run into that little predicament again. I dunno, he was asking me to "wrap [my] lips around the straw and stare straight at [him]" and to lick my lips and we got into my satin see-thourgh robes and such. I admit, i was having fun being naughty but I will kick myself if I lead him on for real. Right now, he seems just to be having fun playing a game with me. I know I am. I am not into him, I just feel the need to flirt with someone because I haven't done it in such a long time.

Am I wrong for that I wonder?

Oh. I started a facebook group to find me a date. Ya. So one of my friends found me one. He's Zimbabwean and she said he was 6'3 and fine. She told me his name. It is the worst name in the history of all names ever in the world amen. So friggin gwash. I hate it. But I decided to be open minded, give it a chance and try and find a decent nickname to avoid that atrocious name. His parents were just wrong for that.

So we've emailed back and forth. I don't think so. I went to look him up on facebook but he had no pics up. So i went to hi5 and looked him up and found some. I do not pride myself in being shallow but I am sorry. Horrible name and no he is not lose-your-mind-fine. I suppose in person he could be cute. But that name dammit. I'm sorry, shallow as it may be, that name is just eating away at my nerves. Ay! El nombre no es bueno.

Where are all the gorgeous smart men with good names that are interested in me and single? WHERE? I have been looking for him for years now I'm tired! Where is he?

overwhelmed

so much all at once
spreading myself way too thin
busy but not productive
tense and afraid all the time because stuff is due and i don't have it
could work harder but i freeze up
i'm feeling so overwhelmed. And i'm scared.

Thought.

Ok this is all just damn ridiculous now isn't it? I NEED a friggin boyfriend already.

Well, i do. Judge and criticize and advise all you want but i KNOW i NEED a bofriend, like yesterday ago.

I am so friggin lonely it's almost pathetic how pathetic i find myself and my life. I am so tired of this, so friggin tired of all this. Honestly. Bloody tired.

And..... I hate to say it but...

I'm just aching for a shag. I really am you know. And i haven't even had a proper shag ever. EVER.

Honestly here kids, i am not one to be seen as less than perfect but reality has been kicking my arse for far too long now so I'm just giving in. I don't care. I want a shag and i am not really ashamed to admit that. I want a boyf and i don't think that is pathetic of me to want one.

NOW.

So what to do to solve this little dilema of mine? Be proactive. I've been afraid of men almost as much as i am afraid of snakes (can't stand the slimey buggers). I have stayed completely away form any man or tried to woo a man by pretending not to have any slight interest in him. Or i have gone the other extreme and gone out with total losers because i had no other options going at the moment. Ok, that was a little pathetic, i admit, but damn it.

I need a plan. I need a boyf like now and i need a shag.

This really all very disillusioning.

But i don't care.

Wedding bells and rose petals

So i went ot the wedding. I flew to GA on Friday morning at some obscene hour in the morning so i'd be there before the rehearsal dinner and she could pick me up first thing and then get on with the rest of her day. I was not looking forward to it at first. I thought, "I'm the only "us" person there and it's gonna be so country and I haven't seen her in over a year and a half and...." just a bunch of stuff.

I got there and as we drove into south GA from Jacksonville, it all came back to me. I used to live here a year ago. Nothing about it changed really, i just realized how much prettier is it over there than here. And i remembered how our friendship worked. It was nice.

The day before the wedding was crazy busy. I got my nails done. They looked stupid by the way. I wanted french tips 9 i know cliche) but my natural nails don't exactly grow. Ever. So i was gonna get acrylic. I don't like putting that stuff on my nails and asked her how bad it would look with french tips on my own nails and if it was bad, she should just do red polish to match the dress i was wearing. She said french tips would be glorious on my natural nails. Moron. They looked so dumb. But the bride's mum and aunties were all waiting in line behind me so i had to suck it in and smile and sat how i loved it.

Then I met the other bridesmaids. One is legally blind and you can so tell. She was cool though and me and her were making the cd's for the reception. We got a little carried away and it ended up being a very eclectic mix of country, bluegrass (they are country folk afterall), pop, rock, rap, and r&b. It was a crazy mix that included the electric slide (apparently not just a staple at black weddings), man of constant sorrow (from the "oh brother where art thou" soundtrack) and yes, you guessed it......michael jackson's thriller. It was sad. We weren't even drunk either.

The groom got a little upset when we suggested that the exit song for the bridal procession after the ceremony be "Another One Bites The Dust" so we scratched that. We didn't even rbing up the idea of me and the blind bridesmaid doing an interpretive dance at the reception, we didn't think it would go down too well.

One of the other bridesmaids was fun in that ditzy blonde sort of way. I have nothing against blondes and don't usually subscribe to the blonde stereotype but she was ditzy. She was cute though and i was grateful i could talk to those two bridesmaids because i didn't know anyone but the bride. The maid of honor was pretty but i swear she sounds like that blonde guy off of King of the Hill, Boomhouser or whatever his name is with that super country accent. She sounds just like him. She didn't look especially country and there was a disconnect between her appearance and her voice, it just didn't match. I almost felt like she should have been missing some teeth and been wearing overalls and chewing on piece of hay or something. That's terrible, i know. I'll stop.

I met the groom. I really liked him. He was cute, he gave me a hug and was so nice. I was jealous. Not that i wanted him, but i wanted someone who made me feel the way it looked he made her feel. And someone my friends will love too like i love him. I got a good vibe from him and was glad he was the groom.

The rehearsal was informal and haphazard but it worked out. The only thing is i got eaten alive by friggin mozzies and attacked by nats. Ah, Georgia. Home of every friggin bug you can imagine. Outdoor wedding are fun like that. We had lasagna and cheesecake for dinner. Yum. That all i gots ta say.

I caught myself sounding hella country at times. I dunno why i do that! My accent changes to accomodate whoever i'm with and i was sounding hella redneck at some points. I wonder if anyone else noticed. They must have thought "this black girl sho' is countrified! Is Zimbabwe a country in Africa or is it some little town near Wilacoochie?"

Day of the wedding was hectic. I was steaming all the bridesmaids dresses while they were out getting their hair did. I hadn't thought to ask Red (bride) to make me an appointment and so i had to figure out what to do with my mane myself. We had slept over at her gran's house and when i got up i found a curling iron at the vanity table and helped myself. Is that gross? I wiped it down after i was done. I hope it was Red's and not her gran's. She may just have a stroke f she finds a long black hair on it. Ah well. So I curled my own hair and it looked very 1920s and cute. For about three hours. Then it began to collapse. And we had already left gran's and i didn't have an iron with me. Well damn it all to hell.

So we got dressed and went to the park where the wedding was going to be. They did a good job of decorating. The colours were red, pink and white and they had rose petals everywhere. It was cute. All the bridesmaids looked fabulous in our red gowns if i do say so myself and the groomsmen looked very handsome. Well, very put together anyway. It was wierd how two of them were these skinny Jeff Foxworthy looking guys and the other two were stout Garth Brooks types. Uncanny. My escort was skinny. It was funy because walking down the isle we had to loop our arms in theirs and his was so skinny i couldn't find it under his tux jacket so i just held onto the jacket. I wanted to crack up but thought better of it. I was already "that black girl" at the wedding, i didn't want to stand out anymore.

The ceremony was short, thank goodness. The sun was in the bridesmaids faces and we were being attacked by bugs and our heels were sinking into the ground. It was funny but we kept straight faces. I almost fell over one time as i was trying to get my heels out of the ground discreetly and i stumbled backwards a little. i hope the ditzy bridesmaid who was behind me was the only one that noticed. It was also partly the freakish wind that blew into me and nearly knocked me on my ass but i stayed steady. I was a soldier.

The reception was a little awkward because there was no designated seating for the bridal party and everyone else seemed to have family or something there so i was left on my own, but fortunately the blind bridesmaid was sweet and sat with me and the preacher who had one tooth and was surprisingly eating a lot of food i didn't think his tooth would be able to process. He did it somehow though. I'm still curious about that.

I went home with gran again and she drove me to the airport this morning and now i am back in Texas. It was a really sweet wedding and though i don't do tears, i have always always always teared up when i heard "Butterfly Kisses" as corny as that sounds and she danced with her dad to that. I teared up a little. I won't lie.

I though a lot about marriage. I have never really been to a wedding before, certainly never part of one, except my parent's white wedding (they were already married but in our culture it's a little different and i was two or three when they did the white wedding. I was the flower girl or something and had a dress that matched my mum's).

I want to be married, if only for the wedding bit of it. No, i'm kdding. I really do want to get married though. This weekend clarified that. I know i was all nonchalant about marriage and love and all but i really really really want to marry by sweetheart, my best friend, whoever he will end up being. The down side of the weekend is now my thoughts are all about marriage. Damn it all to hell. Be warned, my posts may gravitate more towards marriage and love. And i am seriously prayinng for a husband now. I just read the most fabulous thing on someone's facebook and i think i'll end with it.

"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man has to seek Him in order to find her."

Beautiful.