I am really digging this Trey Songz song of late. That and his Heart Attack jam. I dunno if it is because I am identifying with them so much recently but I never paid much attention to Trey and kinda did not want to give him a chance but he is slowly wooing me with these two tracks.
But I feel these two songs because FB is featuring in my life again. I thought it would be different this time. I told him everything, for the most part and he got a full picture of how hurt I was and now that he is away and was dating people, I was determined to really let go this time and I did better than before. I cut him off and did not speak to him or allow myself to give in. But my mistake was contacting him on the anniversary of his dad's death and letting him know I was praying for him. I should have just prayed and left it at that. But it seemed to open up a small window in his mind and slowly he started creeping back into my life. We are not friends on facebook but might as well be at this point.
We are back to talking almost daily. And though I am pretty numb about it and am not really thinking of him the way I used to, I am afraid that this constant talking and familiarity is becoming way to comfortable. I mean before it was me just responding to the occasional email. Now I see myself initiating. Out of habit from talking to him about everything for four years. I am not falling for him again or forgetting necessarily but I am getting comfortable with him again and I do not want to. I don't know that I want us to be friends. Because eventually something is going to happen and I am going to get hurt again.
And the temporary crushes I had were just that. Temporary. Crushes. Nothing came of them and I am still kind of where I was last year. Daydreaming and wishing everything was better when it is the same way it has always been. I have not felt what it feels like to truly be loved and the thought of going on like this makes me heart weary. The reason why young love is so special and so coveted is because you can grow together and they love you at your best. Not when you are getting older and more cynical and less attractive. I think I partially regret not having young love. I was a late bloomer, only beginning to date at 23 years old. And thought I am not technically old yet, I am watching the months just flip on by and no love is in my life. No sweeping romance or passionate love. Is this how real life is supposed to be? Is this the stark reality that contrasts so painfully to the fairy tales we are fed through lyrics and books and movies? Surely the fairy tale love described in those mediums can not be totally made up. It has to exist for someone. It had to have, for them to write about it and make the rest of us want it more than anything. I can appreciate that I am pretty impressionable and I am a romantic at heart. Quite cliche of me, I realize this but surely SOMEONE out there experiences the things I only dream of. It all just seems unfair. Probably because I have not lived life fully yet and can not see much further down this path of my future. But young love is eluding me.
I'm not sure how this shifted into a strange rant about my unfulfilled love quota but the point of this post originally was that I am becoming too lax and too comfortable with FB and I did not want to be here. I even lent him some dosh. What am I doing?
I need a more permanent way to move on. It isn't so much that I am not over him. I think for the most part I am. I still miss him some days but I think it might be more that I miss having someone in my life. My life is happening and no one is sharing it.
Ok, that's getting into things I don't feel like getting into right now.As many other more important things I have to worry about, namely my job and visa situation that is looming before me in the next month, I seem to dwell on thinking of love more. I wish I could get the rest of my life together and THEN worry about love. But I kinda feel like I have always done that and love has suffered or I have just plain missed it. Bleh. My thoughts are a bit scribbled this morning. I have been up all night doing the graveyard shift so I am a bit all over the place.
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