So it's official. I cut him out of my life finally. It only took me four long and heart rending years to realize he wasn't going to wake up and love me the way I needed him to just because I needed him to. He was not changing and any changes I thought I saw were my own wishful thoughts clouding my judgement.
It may have helped in me moving on that he moved to another continent altogether and started dating someone almost immediately. Yes, that aided the cut off quite a bit. But the funny thing is it isn't acrimonious. Well perhaps just a little. I get very sad and bitter when I think of what he put me through but honestly he only did what I allowed him to do so where's the sense in blaming him for it? He's not a bad person. They are never bad people. Just greedy people. I think I was more angry at myself for letting it go on for so long and giving my everything to something I saw ages ago was not working. Anyway after a series of long emails where I poured out all my emotion and told him I always knew about all the other girls and how he was afraid to admit to me and perhaps himself that he did not love me, I decided we should go our separate ways. Not remain friends because it would just be too hard to watch him move on so quickly while I did not. He didn't really want to because in his mind we have always just been mates and really good mates but he accepted it and we broke off contact. I removed him from all social media outlets and I have been away for over a month now. I did message him a couple of days ago on the anniversary of his dad's death but that was the only break in my resolve. I couldn't not say anything. Its a difficult thing losing a parent. I told him I was praying for him and I will. And I think I should stop talking about him now because I am there finally. At the place where I don't hurt unless I dredge up painful memories and even then, it's not the breath taking pain I used to feel. It's just numb and indifferent now. And I am happier now than I have been in years. Even alone and slightly ridiculous.
Speaking of my ridiculousness, this poses a perfect segue into the other two topics hinted at in my title for this post. Shall I start with the Great White Hope? Yes it really is what it sounds like. Kids, I have developed an obscene crush on a white co-worker of mine who happens to also be 4 years younger than me. It's quite appalling actually. Four years may not seem like much but I find it wierd just thinking about it in the dark recesses of my mind. He's a baby. And I'm not sure why of late I have been crushing a lot on men of the.... lighter persuasion shall we say. In any event when I first met this new crush of mine (we'll call him Hercules for reasons you'll get later), I did not immediately want him. He is quite a beautiful man, don't get me wrong. But he was... pretty. A little too pretty. In fact, I kind of think he looks like Ken. Of Barbie and Ken fame. Yep. Pretty. And initially I never really talked to him or worked with him at all really. I would see him every now and then and I was aware women found him attractive but I was too busy dealing with my own life dramas to notice. And then my love life fell to shambles and I needed a distraction and somehow we were scheduled for similar shifts and voila... a crush was born.
A harmless appreciation at first but then I looked more closely and though he has pretty features (namely his luxurious eyelashes and high cheekbones), he also has very manly features as well. He is tall which every girl wants in a man. Broad shouldered, vast chested. He has that chiselled cartoon Superman/Bruce Wayne jawline that is very manly. He is an athlete with an athlete's incredible body and he engages in very manly activities in his spare time. Naturally all this probably means he is like other attractive, manly men. A whore. Lol. No, that's harsh. He may not be a whore but something tells me he would probably bang anything not nailed to the ground. Ya. I said bang.
So initially it's all harmlss. We work together, during our downtimes he makes me laugh and seems like a fun person to be around. He is a tad moody at times and his family is a bit well off which lends one to think he might be spoiled but he has a college degree and works full time in an hourly position. He's not totally useless then. Then the more I work with this bloke, the more I find him creeping into my thoughts when I'm off the clock. What the bollocks is happeneing to me? Then the culmination of the madness. One night I actually had a dream about meeting his parents. Oh no kids, I don't just wade in pools of insanity... I do laps in the ocean of crazy. Ya. I had dreams of sleeping with him on his boat. Yes. He has a boat. I mean it was all kinds of wrong. And the best part is, I have a pretty good idea what his type might be. Your gorgeous, blonde or auburn haired girl next door All American type with a huge rack and a sorority background. If I'm wrong I will swallow a bag of nickels.
So yeah. THAT's been happeneing although it now comes in waves. Some days the crush is there, minor now that I have mellowed out a bit. And other days he ignores me or annoys me somehow and I don't like him. Being aware of my singleness has reverted me back to junior high it seems. Ugh. Plus he's white. I have nothing against dating a white guy. Its just I've never done it before, my last foray into interaccial love ended partly because of the race issue (on him and his family's part) and my grandfather would probably have a fit. But lately there have been some very good looking white boys to preoccupy all this free time my mind seems to have found. Hayden Christensen and Ryan Gosling don't help matters by not only existing, but insisting on being famous and in my face all the bloody time. Thanks you sexy jerks.
Segue into my recent discovery that I am a toddler magnet. As in, I have attracted a bit of attention from younger blokes of late. All mysteriously 19 years old. So the first is this kid who I work with who is constantly in a sour mood or so it seemed. We'll call him Bug-A-Boo because frankly thats what he has become. Bug-A-Boo started out just hanging about and always preferring to goof off talking to me at the desk rather than do his job. And he decided that anyone who speaks the wrong way to him or tells him what to do is not worth his time so that has wittled down his list of potential conversation partners to a handful of us at work. And when we work the same shift, he tends to hover around me. At first I thought nothing of it. He's like 9. Teen. But still. I also thought he had a type that included only white girls. He is Hispanic himself but from the conversations I have had with him it seemed his preference was white girls. Fine. Thank goodness. I was one of few who tolerated him so he gravitated towards me a lot. Natural right? Then my co workers start teasing me about how he likes me and I start seeing that he does buzz around quite a bit. And he took a harmless joke about being my date to an office party a tad too seriously and I found myself scribbled once again and with this little Bug-A-Boo I can't shake. Oy.
Oh but it gets better. There's another 19 year old I work with. Really nice, sweet guy who I chat with every so often when we work similar shifts. We'll call him Tweety because he is so sweet. So Tweety and I are mates. Then all of a sudden its time for the holiday party at work and it comes to light that neither him nor I have dates to the party. So one of my older co-workers takes it upon herself to become the resident Yentaand have a chat with him without my knowledge about how he should ask me to be his date. She is fully aware of the age difference and thinks its nothing. Hmmn. Ok. And the poor boy is put in a tough spot because he doesnt want to ask me to be his date, he wants to be left alone but he is just too nice and she keeps badgering the poor boy and then she tells me what she did. I'm mortified. I'm afraid now he thinks I set her up to do this and I am thinking, My God I must look so pathetic and lame. And I feel as if he's started avoiding me at work. Lol. She assures me he doesn't think that way at all (RIGHT) and promises she'll stop accosting him and making him feel uncomfortable. Then his best mate, who is another 19 year old co worker who will feature a bit later in this post (let's call him Gladiator because he has Greek features and is pretty tall and muscular). So Gladiator jokingly tells me after lunch one day that I should go with Tweety to the holiday party. I'm beyond mortified at this point because I think my older co-worker has been running her mouth but nope. Turns out Gladiator came up with this idea all on his own, coincidentally the same thought and around the same time my older co-worker did and he told his mate Tweety to ask me to the holiday party. At this point I may as well have stood in the center of the lobby and pulled my knickers down to my ankles and mooned everybody coming in, thats how embarassed I was. Luckily it all died down. I brought a girlfriend as my plus one for the pary and he went with Gladiator and his date and that was the end of that.
So I thought. Nope. Too easy. This is me remember? So last night I'm mindng my own business, laying in bed updating facebook and such and I get a random text after midnight from Gladiator asking me why I was up and what I was doing. I responded with nothing much since he didn't invite me to the party he is having (Oy! I set mself up for these disasters) and this turned into a full on campaign on his part to get me to come to his frat house (oh did I neglect to mention that both these 19 year olds are in a fraternity. Smashing.) and later his apartment. I took it as light hearted banter and played along. Oh, I'm so daft at times. At some point I said I didn't think coming over for the tour of the frat house was worth putting on a pair of pants at which Gladiator said pants were completely optional (fan-bloody-tastic) and then he proceeded to shoot down every excuse I had for not going. It was 2am. Yeah.
Admittedly I was bored and curious and perhaps craving a bit of male attention. So I went. You read that right. I put on some jeans, hopped in my car and drove the ten minutes to their frat house. At 2am. Bloody fantastic. And I got a tour from the blokes and then they said lets go up the street to their flat. And I did. And then Tweety had some business to take care of at the frat house with an overly intoxicated brother who may have needed to go to the ER (turns out he didn't have to go afterall. Hmmmn.) so it was just me and Gladiator. In their flat. Yep. Great decision making skills so far, don't you think? Well, nothing happened. Except of course if you count the minor cudddling and the invitation from Gladiator for me to stay the night so as not to have to drive back home, despite the fact that I had no alcohol in my system and it was a ten minute drive. He wanted to cuddle and fall asleep.Doesn't that just sound like those high school guys who tell their virgin girlfriends there is nothing wrong with hugging naked in bed? Anyway, on the couch he might have touched my thigh three times while I recounted my recent bad luck in the boyfriend department. No, no.. I'm not makng any of this up. I'm really that unaware. And then he rested his head against my chest and I rested my chin on the top of his head. The same head that was partially on my shoulder/chest. Yep. THAT just happened. But nothing more transpired. He got sleepy, tried to get me to stay a few times. I declined and walked back to my car. He sent me a text saying the door was still unlocked if I changed my mind. I drove home and got into my own bed at which point Tweety sent me a message asking if I got home safe. Oh... memories.
I get myself into the most awkward and unfortunate pickles. I am a deluded moron. And apparently a toddler magnet with a specialty in 19 year olds. I am friggin dirty Mother Goose. All while thinking to myself the entire night, had it been Hercules.... I think the night might have ended differently. Oh, HE can get it. Day and night he can get it. I would climb him like a friggin tree and do things to him Americans girls don't even know about. Ok. I dunno, what exactly that means and I probably wouldn't let that happen with him but in my head I have already shown him Africa's Paradise. And I aint talking about Victoria Falls, I'll tell you that much.
Oy vay. I've gone round the bend I reckon.
