Hopeless.

I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I am trying Lord but I can't do this. I am not made for this. I just want to be held in your embrace and I want to be shielded. It hurts so much and it has hurt for so long and I am hopeless Lord. I am hopeless and in pain and I just want to be captured in your embrace.

God help me please.

Can I nibble on you?

It confuses me when he flirt like that. And tells me how beautiful my smile is from recent pics on Facebook. I hate being confused about him because I feel like I am going backwards the twelve steps I took forward over a really long time. Ugh. Don't read into it, just keep on steppin' girl.

So my TV is busted. I can hear but there is no picture. Ugh. Frustration anyone? Lol. So last night I decided to watch old episodes of "The Facts of Life" on hulu. Lol. Yay, memories. I used to love that show and I was all into it but my silly PC is super old and so it was playing a little funny but it was a nice flash back. I realized that Tootie could be my little sister's twin at that age. They look just alike. Hmmmn.

I really have nothing to say today. I have been having a REALLY hard time waking up in the mornings, even with enough sleep so I dunno what is going on with me but it is not cool. Hmmmn. I just feel fatigued. Like seriously. I took off yesterday because of it and of course that is the day everything decides to go to hell. Nice. I am pretty sure H was upset with me cuz it turns out she had not gotten much sleep either. Bollucks.

But I was feeling pretty crappy in general and all of a sudden, with no prodding from me, FB texts me about how beautiful I look and how gorgeous my smile is on the new pics on FB. As if I needed more confusion. Lol. Ay. What to do what to do?

Friday

I have always thought my cousin P looked a lot like Janet. I just told her that the other day and she said she hadn't heard it in a long time, and she was beginning to worry it had changed with age. Lol. I hate her for looking like Janet. But alas.

I have not heard my celeb-likeness in a while. For a while people said I looked like Lauryn Hill. Lol. And before that when I was in my bandanna and belly top stage, people seemed to think I channeled Aaliyah. I like both ladies very much but it is still no Janet. Plus no one has said I look like them in a really really long time.

Clark just told me he has a girlfriend. Has ha a girlfriend for 5 months now. We barely talk now because of the distance and because telecom in Zim sucks. Anyway I am happy for him. But I just spiraled into this whole AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET CONDEMNED TO BE ALONE FOREVER. Lol.

It is a sad day. I am headed back to the old city for Kenya's graduation. She is so excited. I hope I don't put her off with my horrible attitude lately.

On a funny note, I applied to jobs at Harvard. I think that is funny. Aim high right?
Ah, life.

From Super Skinny to....not so Skinny???!!

So was chatting with my co-worker today and she expressed how she has lost 30lbs in 4 months. She refers to herself as formally fat, although I have known her for about that long and I don't think she was fat and I am not so sure about her size difference. She says she was a size 10 and is now a 0-2. Erm....

So it jarred me a little, I don't think I'm fat. I have gained weight for the first time ever over the last year and a half. It has been shockingly not what I wanted even though I pined to be a bit bigger cuz I was always so skinny.

So I am a size 3. I am 5'4. I'm mid-twenties. She says she is a size 0-2. She looks about 5'4 or 5'3. She is early 30s. She looks bigger than me if not the same size. Except I have a bigger booty, a black girl's booty. Hmmmmn.

It was just a weird thing I thought I would ponder on. I admit I have not been to the gym in weeks and I have been hugely inactive. Am I getting fat? Should I nip this in the bud now? I think I need to get a trainer. Lol. I am a little non-plussed by this whole weight thing now. When the devil did THAT happen?

Apparently my Monday was not destined to go too well

Just got a call from my credit card company. Someone has been using my card online. I have my card in my wallet (well technically it is in pieces now in the rubbish bin) but someone still stole my identity and used it. I feel ill. Not good eats. =(

Janet Style

I have always loved everything about the Jacksons. And recently I have been enamored with Ms. Janet Jackson and she is my style icon. She has that tomboy-sexy style that I adore. The suits and the sexiness only she can embody. It doesn't help that I do not have Janet boobs. Lol. I wish I had her boobs but alas I wasn't blessed like her. Lol. In any event I am striving to achieve that Janet sexy. The hair, the tomboy-sexy, the abs. Here are a few of my favourite looks from my style icon.

Childish Behaviour?

Is it childish of me to feel nonplussed when people who are supposed to care about me don't take an interest in me? I do my best not to whine and bemoan the same people over and over. I understand that when I am in a funk or feeling low I should stick to myself and try to deal with it before going to others wailing. I do not call people too often to talk about me. I prefer talking about them or what is going on in their lives, if only to deflect the pure frustrating mess that is my own life. I admit sometimes I have to tel someone when i feel bad because i feel like I might explode from the pain but it is not so often that I have made myself a pest.

And I understand that people have things they go through too. Their own lives. But the one word that describes me lately is alone and this weekend it almost physically hurt. My cousin moved to Boston (Granted she lived in GA anyway and was still far away from me. But she moved and didn't even tell me. I felt neglected or left out or whatever. FB decided he was going to have a silent weekend and not respond to me so I felt neglected. Granted I was also convinced he was with someone this weekend which is cool but why not just tell me and not leave me wondering and texting and calling like an idiot. I stopped. Last night he texted me at 8 something and I ignored. I felt hurt that he did not care enough to check on me all weekend so I wanted to be alone.

This is the problem. I feel slighted because all my friends now, the only times I ever talk to them is when I call them. I should take a hint I suppose. I just didn't realize it until now. They all have lives and those lives do not include me at all anymore. So it was a sucky weekend to say the least.

And yet another bemoaning post. Fantastic.

Dear Today, I hate your Guts. Love, Malaika

So it would seem that life is sucking just a tad. Lol. I don't do well with pressure about money. I simply don't. I have had to deal with tuition I have been trying to pay off from last semester, tuition that is due this semester (in fact I was dropped out of my classes from early registration cuz I had not paid) and just this morning I got a text from my roommate that we are late with the electric bill and have until Monday until they cut off my electric?!

Now forgive my snobbery. I do consider myself to be humble in some areas but I really did not see this being my life. I was never going to be one of those people who had their lights cut off for non-payment. I have never been the rich kid. I have however been the financially stable kid. My parents did what they could and gave us a decent life with luxuries perhaps other kids don't always get but this whole living on my own thing is really cramping my style. And I am not even wholly materialistic. I like nice things but I budget and I buy what is necessary and when I have a bit of dosh left over I can buy a nice pair of earrings or new jeans since I have only three pairs that I have had for five years. Lol. I dress well but on a budget.

I do not splurge often. In fact my last real splurge was earlier this summer when I bought FB a Ultimate Michael Jackson Collection DVD set that I thought was fabulous for his birthday. It was under $100. Mine was cheaper. Yes, of course I had to have one of my own also. He had just died and I was clinging to anything that had him on it. But honestly it was the last splurge and the first in a long time. Even for FB's main gift (a wicked cool digi cam) I collected dosh from all his friends who turned out to be surprisingly generous and really didn't have to pay loads like I expected to. It was an expensive camera and what I collected covered everything but the camera case which I sprang for. Big whoop.

And this is the first month this summer that I remembered to tithe. And I typically pay all my bills at the beginning of the month when I get paid so I don't forget or have to worry. And somehow I have loads of bills now. But not because I'm a rogue shopaholic, but because I was broke the first half of this year with a part time job that barely covered rent and I had to put my rent on my credit card. I have credit card debt for the first time in life ever. It is way less than $5000 but it still haunts me at night. I am trying to be responsible. I would be saving like mad but I don't have anything left over after all is paid off I even buy groceries and cook. I don't go eating out too often and I haven't been to the mall in months.

It is just frustrating that I can not seem to catch a break and that I am losing sleep over money issues and I am stressing out and I dunno what is going to happen and everyone is telling me to trust God and that He will provide.

But I know He will. I just have to keep reminding myself that He works things out. It is terribly difficult when you have people calling you daily asking for tuition and for electric bills Lol. I want to scream a little. A lot. A whole lot.

Mum had mutual funds she wanted me to cash in order to pay off my tuition from last semester. It has been a hassle since April. What it comes down to now is that apparently according to American financial institutions and DHS, being foreign is simply American for "terrorist." I have no clue why I wasn't given the American dictionary when I arrived in this country. I had no idea that being a tax-paying student here in the States and working really hard to make a life for myself and my family was useless. All that matters is that I am foreign and not wanted here. I am somehow a threat to national security. Me. A young 20-something African girl who comes from a quiet African country and who is a nobody.

It upsets me so much that my mother invested her hard earned money and let an American financial institution hold it for her for safe keeping and they refuse to give it back because all of a sudden they have to look into things. What the hell does that even mean? Why was she good enough to invest but not good enough to get it back when she really need it? Get your stories straight America. You are picking on innocent people and deeming them suspect just because they are from outside your borders. It is not right and they should really be ashamed of themselves and get more qualified people to do the job who won't treat you like sum cuz you have an accent or won't disregard you because you are foreign. It isn't right.

And that is my rant for today.

Her sorrow and loneliness make it impossible for her to reach her true potential

That is a line from the Wikipedia entry on The Phantom of the Opera. I have Beyonce's version of "Learn to Be Lonely" on my grooveshark playlist because the title seemed interesting to me and I had never really heard it before. Then I realized I had never really looked into The Phantom of the Opera before. Shocking, I know but I always heard bits and pieces but was never really inclined enough to delve into it. I think I read an adaptation ages ago in primary school but it never had much of an impact then. But for an unknown reason I always found the title hauntingly intriguing. Anyway that song made me curious and then that line intrigued me also.

I seem to like things I relate to or imagine I relate to. I hate to think of myself as being the lyrical "child of the wilderness" that has to learn to be lonely. I hate that I am being drawn to things that speak of loneliness and neglect. I am currently enamored with the lyrics of Little Susie by Michael Jackson. I was always haunted by that song but recently it has been striking cords left and right. Especially the line that reads "Neglect can kill like a knife in your soul...." The lyrics are rather tragically beautiful and so was the song Learn to Be Lonely. But they shouldn't be striking cords in me. I don't want to relate to them.

Why am I drawn to these negative things? I always have been drawn to such and I am wondering if it is something inherent in me that seems to gravitate towards solitude and loneliness. A part of me is very comfortable with being alone and having my own space. And another part of me hates it. Unfortunately those two sides are warring in the same mind, spirit and body. It is a very frustrating existence I dare say, lol.

Has my inclination to loneliness stunted my emotional growth maybe? Is it stopping me from realizing my full potential in all aspects of life? I seem to think so a little. Am I my own biggest stumbling block or barrier from success and fulfillment? Perhaps. The realization is a tad disheartening.

So am I sabotaging my own quest for happiness with this sick subconscious quest for solitude? This is so strange. I am trying to move forward but I can almost physically feel I am still being held back. Is it at my own hand? How annoying is that.

And I always wonder if it is possible to be blind to potential boyfriends because I have been so caught up in this FB thing that I know will never go anywhere. I just figured no one has caught my eye and that may still be true but I am beginning to think I may have just had my eyes closed all this time. I am ready to move on from this point. I just hope my patience doesn't wear thin.