Puzzled

So we have all played with puzzles at some point of our childhoods. It is a pretty simple concept right? You find the pieces that match and fit and you carry on from there. It can get complicated but eventually you find all the pieces that fit and you end up with a beautiful or cool picture at the end of the day. You feel fulfilled and like you accomplished something.

So I can see the parallels in life with an everyday puzzle. You find the pieces that fit and match and create a solid, congruent big picture right? And at the end of the day you have a sense of accomplishment. At least you hope so. The only thing with real life is that all the peics that go with your life don't exactly come in a nicely sealed box with the picture of the end result on the cover. On the contrary, not only do you have no idea what the end result is going to look like, no matter how you try and plan and organize and fix, but you also have no clue where to find the pieces. rather some of the major pieces tend to find their way to you instead, at unspecified times and places in your journey. And sometimes it takes a long while for you to figure out if that piece actually fits and works. It could be a relationship you were so certain fit. It could be a job, an apartment, a career choice, a major, a move. The list is endless really.

It is not an easy puzzle, life. It is the most complicated, frustrating exciting and irritating puzzle you will ever have to piece together on your own. The important thing is to make sure that the puzzle piece really fits at the end of the day. It may take some re-working but they have to fit. It is never a good sign when you have to force pieces together. When you try and force two pieces that do no fit together because you are determined to make them fit or you have convinced yourself that they belong even when all the signs are screaming at you that they don't, the inevitable outcome is that one or both of the pieces will be broken bent or torn apart.

I have been trying for two years to fit a puzzle piece into my life that just doesn't seem to fit at all. I have turned it around and around. I have pushed and pushed and I am at the breaking point. My piece is beginning to break. Well, truth be told it has been breaking for a long time but I have ignored it. I wanted it to fit. I prayed for it to fit. I hoped and hoped and wished on a star and fasted and improvised and humbled myself and tried to change. Lol. And all for naught. Because it doesn't fit. In any capacity. I would like it to fit but alas, it was not meant to be.

Sometimes friendships are meant to be brief. Sometimes they were not meant to be at all. And yet we still strive because we generally assume that with friendship you were brought together and you have to work at it and you got along so well for a reason. But sometimes you are only meant to get along for a season. Sometimes you have to know when to fold and walk away from the table and continue your quest to solve the puzzle that is your life with the right pieces that fit. And build the picture that your life was meant to be. It seems rigid and unforgiving I know, but sometimes that is the way it works.

It's pretty puzzling, I know.

Michael

When is it going to stop hurting? When will I stop missing you so much? I have tried to move on but every day I get a lump in my throat and realize you are no more.

You were the sweetest smile I had ever seen. You were the gentlest soul. You were the coolest guy. The most generous heart. With the saddest eyes but it vanished when your face lit up with a smile. I truly fell deeply and madly in love with you the first day I met you when I was only three years old. Even then, I truly loved you beyond the confines of the word. I loved you down to my bones. I loved you with all my heart. You were the greatest and watched you in awe and amazement. My hero. My husband. Lol. I kissed that Thriller LP every morning before I did anything else. I insisted that everyone call me Mrs. Michael Jackson even as a tiny little thing, I was convinced I was your Pretty Young Thing. I was also convinced that in "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" in one of the verses you said my name. Of course you didn't. You were saying something else but every time it comes on I sing my name anyway.

I never knew you but I knew that you were out there making my world better and it was a comfort. It was what I pulled around me when it got cold and lonely. I would say to myself, at least I still have Michael. When I was the new kid over and over again I slipped on my headphones and dissolved all those feelings of loneliness and fear with the sound of your voice and the beat. I took the jokes and let the other kid make fun of me. Obviously they didn’t know any better. You were the greatest and I didn’t care who knew about my devotion to you. I treated your CD's like treasures. Never packed with anything else and kept in pristine condition and with doubles because I listened to them so much I scratched them but I still saved the scratched ones. I lit up when your voice or your beat came on. No matter how bad I felt. You made me love music more than anything else. You made me believe that music made everything ok. You introduced me to the dance. You taught me how to move and how to love through dance and through song. I was waiting for the day that somehow God would answer my prayers and I would get to shake your hand and kiss your cheek. I cried when they spoke ill of you. I hurt when you hurt. I knew they didn't understand and they didn't care to. But I sent you my love everyday and hoped you felt it.

And now you're gone.

Those that knew you suffer a deeper more shattering pain than I think I ever will but don't misjudge my broken heart. My world has lost its music and I cannot seem to will myself to stop crying daily over you. You are gone. Why did you leave? Why can't I let you go? I know you deserve to rest. You always worked so hard. But I am going to miss you more than I have missed anyone in my life before. I just wanted you to know how much I am hurting inside and how I miss you so. Oh Michael, I miss you so much I may just explode from the pain. But I prayed you would meet God and know him and that He counted you among his own.

Lord, take care of this gentle spirit and soothe his tired soul.

May you sing with the angels and keep smiling that beautiful smile. I miss you. And my heart is aching. But most important of all, wanted to tell you that I love you. Truly and deeply I love you.

He Lied

It shouldn't matter because it was a while ago and I know the situation right now between us but a long time ago I asked him. He said nothing was going on. Nothing. He said over and over and would even get mad at me when I brought it up as if it were my fault, my obsession. But all the while he knew.

And as I found out he had been lying to my face, my whole body went hot and cold at the same time. I felt lightheaded and dizzy and I felt betrayed. He claims we are close. Best friends. I wish he didn't because we are not. We are no better than just friends and I wish he would just act that way and not hurt me like he does. Over and over and over again. How could I have been so stupid. I am sick and I can't even get away from it this weekend. I feel sick to my heart. I got let down and betrayed again. And I was used and am being used right now. That's what I get I suppose.

I hurt. I hurt so much and I feel so terribly alone. And I had already been grieving hard the past two weeks and now this. He lied. After everything. He still lied and continues to lie. And I know I should have gotten out a long long time ago. Despite the friendship. Because really, what more am I than a distraction and an affirmation of some sort. I am no friend. I am simply a pawn. And honey, you best believe you were played like a chess game.