Quickey

I am doing a bit better now. I haven't cried, so yay for me. Lol.

I have decided that Keyshia Cole is my new favourite artist for the moment. A lot of her music is helping me through this as cliche and utterly gross as that sounds. Lol. But I think the girl is feeling me right now. I am rather impressionable but hey, what can you do?

Anyway I am on a short break from work so gotta run, but will be back.

I wish it would rain.

I woke up this morning and out of nowhere I lost it. All the work I have put into forgetting and moving on. All my promises to myself that I would not spend more time on this, just gone. Out of the window.

My heart reminded me how much it hurt. And I woke up and cried. I am falling apart. I'm trying to keep it together.

I don't mind the tears because they ease the pain sometimes. I am trying to forget. But I am ashamed of my life. It is empty. He has moved on. And I am stuck in the mud.

So I cried this morning despite myself.

Do other people make such a big deal about this? This does not feel normal. I know I am not crazy. But right now I feel like I'm going.

Holy Spirit....help.

Birthday Wishes

So I got my wish. My birthday passed like any other day. I half wanted it that way but if I have to be honest I kinda hoped someone would see my cry for help and make a big deal about it. But they didn't. Well, thats not entirely true. My girl L forced me to spend the night with her and her fam like I do sometimes and they got me a cheesecake (the only cake I will eat, I was touched) and they got me gifts. I was truly touched.

I am a bit silly sometimes though. I mean I will make a big deal about how I do not want it to be a big deal but then in the back of my head I kept thinking "Surely they are going to throw me a surprise party. I just know it!" How stupid. I dunno where that even came from you know? Lol. How ridiculous of me. But they didn't and my birthday was generally forgotten. Except for L. I love that girl. I should appreciate her more than I do.

My best friend from Zim did call me though which was nice. She is a sweety. Troubled at the mo but a sweety nonetheless. Mum and dad didn't ring. I don't think they have figured out that they can call me direct for a few minutes and not break the bank. Hmmn.

So FB texted me. It used to be, he would have taken me out (he knew I wasn't doing anything special) or gotten me something. Afterall he got me a Valentines supposedly. Not as a lovey dovey gift, but just cuz. Hmmn. But he texted me and that was it. Despite myself I was a little put out by that. Ah well, what can a girl do?

So I had an interview Wednesday in the afternoon. I woke up and I was fairly alright. Then I happened to log into Facebook. I noticed FB took his picture down. Hmmn. So I went to his page. Hmmn. And I saw that he was now all of a sudden listed as "In a relationship."Hmmn. Two or so weeks after his "friend" changed hers to "In a relationship." Hmmn.

I was shocked at my reaction to be honest. I have been steadily working on the whole getting over him thing. I was getting to a point where I was almost ok. We have not hung out and I have stopped punishing myself by asking him what he is up to at night. I just don't want to know anymore, it hurts less if I don't know or if I don't suspect he is lying to me. But as soon as I saw the relationship status my heart thudded in my chest and my breathing became hard. Honestly, this is just plain ridiculous now.

So I called Crazy Girl and told her. She was preoccupied with her new man so she said she would ring me back. Then FB calls. Hmmn. He never calls me. Anyway he called and I picked up. He wanted to tell me about a dream he had that I was in. Apparently I was with him and then I began to turn into a werewolf. He has had reoccurring werewolf dreams and he tells me about them but I have never been in them. Anyway he said I sounded weird and asked me what was wrong. I had been crying a little but shrugged it off and told him I was fine and moved on.

I asked him about his Facebook changes. He said because there were two girls who were pressuring him about making their relationships serious. And he wanted to send them the message that he was not looking for anything serious. I said ok and pretended I believed his story. I do not. But what else is new?

Anyway, too much talk of him right now. I went for my interview and the job seems like the most boring thing ever and kinda hard. But I am desperate. I was sent home with a test. A TEST!! Lol. I felt like high school. And when I opened the stupid thing, I was so lost, I had no clue. Oh dear. I have sent it in. Lets hope they don't open it, look at it and go "Malaika, get out of here! You, are ridiculous."

I have really taken a liking to Keyshia Cole. I always liked her music but I have been listening to her more now and she really sings a lot about what I am going through and what I need to do with FB. My new fav jam from her is "I remember." I will still always jam to "Should Let You Go" when I need motivation about getting over FB.

Bottom line here kids. This is the first time my heart has been broken. I have never had it broken before. B was just disillusionment. And initially with FB it was my shock at my bad decisions and my rushing into things when there was no solid foundation. I am trying to be happy. I am moving on and teaching my heart not to care. About him. And I am hoping against the odds I will find a man that loves me. I don't know where the sense of urgency comes from. I really don't. I guess I am sad and lonely right now. And I have never been loved and I feel like I am being left out. I always felt like this.

Why is a relationship a sense of validation for me? Could it be because I have nothing really going for me right now? Or is it just to get rid of the hurt? I don't know. I just want to be loved. And I feel guilty for that. Who says I am in a position to receive that. I really don't know.

And can someone really be not looking for anything serious? Or is that something people say when they do not have someone they can see themselves with. Am I too hard on FB? I do not blame him for my unhappiness but at the same time it drives me crazy when I think he is lying to me to protect me.

As you can see, I am having a hard time here. I can't stop thinking this over in my head, trying to see where I went wrong kids. I'm sorry for this. I am so sorry for who this is turning me into. I wish I could change it. I really, honestly do.

Skinny Marinky

So tragedy.

I have been losing weight. And for me, Miss Bag-O-Bones, that is never a good thing. It's funny. I know why I am losing weight. I don't eat as often. I am just not hungry usually. And it sucks because I know I must eat and I force myself to but a lot of the times I get full so quickly and then I won't eat again until I am hungry. Meanwhile I am still skinny and people feel the need to point that out to me as if I suddenly became blind and legally retarded. Honestly people. Leave me alone. Don't state the obvious especially if it is going to piss me off. I do not like being too skinny so shut the heck up about it already. Sheesh!

Ok, that was my rant. Sorry, but I felt strongly about it all of a sudden.

So it is that time of year again. My birthday is Sunday. Bleh. Thats how I feel about it. I will be 20-something-else and I am really not particularly excited about it. I don't care about getting old, I just am realizing another year has gone by and I am in this place. But I have been trying to think positively so, happy thoughts, happy thoughts right? Right.

My hair. Ugh. My hair. Lord, why did you curse me with rogue hair? Well, okay I admit if I took better care of it and drank gallons of water everyday then I might be in a better place. But honestly, even when I try hard and take silly vitamins and drink water (or attempt to) and don't flat iron it daily and do moisturize it often and use the right brush and all that, it still misbehaves.

What gives?

It is hard and expensive. My new hairdresser says give her eight months with treatments every two weeks and relaxer every six weeks and it will be healthy. Eight months? And who can afford to be going to the hairdresser all the time? I can barely afford to take care of me as is, let alone pumping money into my hair. But I know its the only way to get my hair to behave. Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger. Stupid hair.

I just realized I have nothing really to blog about. I just wanted a neutral, non-depressing post to offset the way I have been writing of late.

I went through some of my old posts. I was never really profound or anything but I used to ponder and post about some of everything whenever the mood hit. Lately it has been my crisis with FB and my many failed attempts at redemption from that.

Like I said, i really have nothing to blog about today. Just felt random I suppose.

Maybe next time I will be more inspired.

Meh.

Fighting not to lose Me

I read something today on God's plan for the friendships in our lives. I won't go into much detail mainly because I can't remember the exact wording and because I have become slightly lazy these days. I must work on that. Honestly.

Anyway. It said something about how God prunes people out of your life early on in you complete surrendered walk with Him. And how if you go against God's pruning, how it will stunt you and set you back. It also said God provides the good godly friends for you to grow with because His ultimate plan is for us is the renewing of our minds and our transformation into the Christian He intended us to be. Hmmn.

So yet another painful incident with FB last night. I have no idea why I can't just hit my limit of pain with him already. I thought I had breached my pain threshold but it just keeps coming.

Anyway I saw that God is probably upset with me for not letting Him prune FB from my life early on. Because what has happened now is that God has pulled away from me because of the company I have been forcing on myself. He did provide me with L. She is a blessing but the fact that I have not let go of FB has been the proverbial thorn in my side for a year.

I am so sick of talking about this I could vomit.

So there was a career fair last week. I dropped off my resume with a bunch of different companies. It was last Wednesday. I have not heard anything yet but I am hopeful. Something has got to give. It simply must.

I want a new beginning, you know? I used to be such a good writer. And in a year I have let my life fall to pieces along with my heart. I have neglected writing and I have neglected God. I have missed out on living my life because I have been hung up.

Now my entries are all laments. My thoughts are suspicious and sad. My self esteem has suffered and my writing sucks so bad I don't even bother anymore.

I need this to stop. I need to find joy again. The joy of the Lord is my refuge. That statement needs to mean something again.

I need to fight not to lose me. No one else will. So I simply must.

I see people all the time going about their lives and just living. Seemingly carefree. I realize we all have problems and we may not walk around all day everyday looking like it but I want to be a single entity again. Reliant on no one and living my own life in peace. I want peace. Just want some peace.

I would love to get a great job I like and work on my visa to stay in the U.S. and plan out my life. I would love to make lovely Godly friends to be around who can encourage me and not worry about my singleness. Not have expectations but be content.

It will happen. I will. I just need a little bit of patience and a little bit of peace right now.

And then I will be fine again.