Moment of Weakness

FB's ex-girlf is in the hospital. I found out at work yesterday and I was genuinely concerned. I realize you would think I would be the last person to feel bad but I am not heartless and I do believe she is special to him in a way I can never understand or know because he would never tell me.

Anyway he told me and I was really concerned. I prayed for her. A lot. I would like to think that my motives were right but perhaps they weren't. After all I was praying for a stranger because of him right?

Anyway i prayed and hoped that I could overlook what I did and be genuine and really beseech God for her sake and for his sake.

I told him once I wanted him to be happy. And he said he wanted me to be happy. But I doubt he knows how miserable he makes me. He has been dating this girl. He claims they are not dating but once when we spoke he referred to an outing with her as the last date he had been on. I don't think he realized.

He has been mooching off of my emotions for months. I thought I could be detached but I still am surprised when the feelings of jealousy and sadness sweep over me when I see him with her in the hallways and when I see him on the phone smiling flirtatiously. It is so silly but I can not stop the feelings. I am so overdue in this. I have to get out of this job and I have to get away from him to move on.

He has made it painfully clear time and time again that he would by no means ever in any lifetime or in any realm of possibility ever ever see me in that light. Although he would gladly kiss me and talk to me whenever his heart desires because he knows I will be there.

Don't think I don't know I am a fool. I have known for so so long. By "trying to do the right thing" i have let him destroy my confidence. I was ok before him. I mean, i was lonely, yes and sad sometimes but I didn't have anything hanging over my head.

But this is too much. He can not see how much he hurts me by just existing. Because his existence tells me there is a flaw with me. There is something about me that turns him way off. I know it is silly to think everyone wants to be with you or will be attracted to you. I know that is not the case. I was happy being slightly miserable from distance but he wanted to be friends and before I had the sense to stop I fell for him hard. Ugh.

Everybody plays the fool and everybody is rejected and after eight months of blind foolish hope, i know that. I also know he isn't the man for me and that my loneliness has amplified this situation so much more than it should have been.

I am hoping that I get a job PRONTO. I need out. I need to make him my past. Right now I indulge him. I am weak. But God said he was my strength in my weakness. And I have more important things to think about than someone who doesn't think much of me despite his empty words.

Hmmmn. Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't write about this again until I was over it.

Then again I promised myself I would stop indulging him and move on with my life. Fifteen billions times. I promised I would stay away from him and just be civil for the sake of work. I promised myself I would not sleep with him or anyone ever again until I was truly, legally and heavenly theirs. But I went back on it. My weak flesh gave in and my malnourished spirit had no chance.

Go figure.