Useless

That is kinda the feeling floating around me right now. Useless. I have been graduated for two months and still have no gainful employment and my attempts at looking are waning. My part-time job is a blessing but it does not pay much plus I have to deal with seeing HIM everyday.

Speaking of which.

So, I already knew about his new "friend" yeah? He is very vague about her which is cool, it's his prerogative. But I think the reason he is so vague with me about her is that he is developing feelings for her or she is becoming another me and he wants me to carry on thinking its just a friendship and that I was important to him on some level. I was a replacement and she is the next one I suppose. Unless this is the one.

Fine. I can live with that. Well, I am dealing.

So Monday was fine. I was at work and we were jovial. He had been vague the whole weekend. I didn't really believe him when he said he was home alone doing nothing by himself because usually he comes over. Or maybe he was alone but he just does not want to hang with me anymore because he has something new to play with. I dunno, perhaps she isn't a toy but a real potential.

So Monday was okay but he was still shady and disappearing a lot. I know when he disappears he is with her. Cool. Was gonna invite him to dinner Monday night but he was vague. Fine. He texts me later that evening (I assume when there was a lull in conversation or when he was alone finally) but I didn't respond. But Tuesday now. I text him that morning saying I had migraine and was doped up on meds. A white lie, I felt hurt that I was being replaced a lot more now. Was okay but I work at noon so before then I was on campus and just happened to see him walking her to class or wherever. He has never walked me anywhere or looked as happy as he did. He seemed really happy as did she and they were chummy. Cool. Was saddened but decided to not stress. I went to work and was cordial but limited conversation. Left without saying goodbye. Was cordial but non-engaging during texting that evening when he asked how my head was. He got the hint.

Today he blatantly ignored me. I was meant to be off but someone needed a cover so I went in for two hours. I saw him but didn't really say much though I smiled. He asked me to do something and I nodded and said okay. Thats all the conversation we had all day. I didn't think it would bother him that much because he has a new friend to confide in and she can kiss his sorrows away afterall. Do I sound angry? Lol. I really don't mean to.

Anyway I have not spoken to him though I passed him in the hall on my way off work and smiled at him. He looked at me with a dangerously disgusted expression.

It is killing me but I have to cut this off once and for all. I can not do this anymore and he is getting serious with his new friend and shunning me and just coming to me when it is convenient. I do not want to put myself in a position of jealousy or desperation anymore and I want out. I think if I distance myself and get out of here with the quickness, that it will be okay. As long as I have to see it everyday, I will keep getting hurt and wanting him to talk to me again. But that is unhealthy and a little mad to be honest.

I do not want to be mad. My girlfriends tell me to do exactly what I am doing. So I have to grit my teeth this time because I haven't even gotten an angry text. He's done. I hope this doesn't affect me as badly. I just want to be okay again.

I feel I have wasted a year of my life here. I do not blame him entirely though I do think he did contribute to my madness.

But no more. The madness of Malaika has reached its sell-by date. There have been some false alarms before where I thought that was the case but I still kept at it because I was determined to make this work. I am determined now to come out of this alive and unscarred. He is hurting me and I am allowing it. What sort of madness is this really?

I'm sure she is the sweetest girl and she is very pretty and what have you. I know if I see that he is suddenly in a relationship on Facebook. I will be hurt. I will be deeply hurt. Because it will be evident it was me he didn't want. I know it is now but it will be there in black and white and that seems like it will hurt like a mother. Lol. But I really have to move on. And not get hurt by this. And hope he finds whatever it is he is searching for. He said the other day he wanted to be married by 34 but he has consistently told me he is not looking for a serious relationship right now. 34 is two years away. He lied. And I bought it.

I hate this situation and that I had to go through it. But I am learning things. I just hate that this is the way it turned out. I hate that we met. I really do. And I am sorry for the way I behaved through it all. I did him no good just as he did me no good. A bit of a waste really.

Shame.

Quoteable

So I guess you were just one of those people
who were supposed to walk into my life,
teach me a lesson, and then walk out.

Can You Keep A Secret?

I am a girl who is learning the truth about who she is.

I'm that girl who is awkward and slightly loud when she's happy.

I bounce my leg when I am nervous or bored.

Sometimes when I blink, my eye sounds like those old plastic dolls. Click, click. Complications of surgery and an artificial lens. Hmmn.

I burp out loud when alone and swallow my burps in public.

I am truly self conscious.

I put my foot in my mouth a lot of the time because of how awkward I am.

I say the wrong things and wish to God I can take them back only to realize that I am far too scared to take them back and so I wallow.

I think far too much and usually get down when I find myself in the deepest, darkest recesses of my own mind.

I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up, even though I am already grown up.

I have never had a boyfriend but have dreamt of one since I can remember.

I am not open with my feelings because I am terrified of what you'll think of me.

I have done bad, bad things though on first impression I seem like the good girl.

I slept with someone else's boyfriend and can not forgive myself.

I procrastinate on everything and thus am stressed out all the time.

I don't know how to connect with my family all the time.

Sometimes I worry I will never be able to discern the voice of God and I will completely miss it.

I love Michael and Janet Jackson and spend hours in my room dancing and singing, wishing I were a pop star.

I secretly think I can sing even though it is rather doubtful.

I am overwhelmed by my mistakes and the depression is unimaginable sometimes.

I have happy moment when I am on top of the world.

I have never kept a close friendship for more than five years and am terrified of losing my friend.

I miss my family but when I am home I am very quiet.

I lose faith in myself and in my future a lot.

I sometimes wear socks that have not been washed in ages. Most of them have massive holes because I have razor-sharp talons sometimes when I don't snip my toenails.

My eyes are bad.

My heart is aching and has been for too long and I am desperate for it to stop.

I listen to all music....even Country.

I love Christmastime.

I love the city lights.

I get lonely in the most profound way.

I want to stop believing in love but the truth is I am terrified of never finding it.And of ever finding it.

I am scared about the rest of my life because from here on, it's just me.

I learned that I am not the girl I thought I was and right now I am not ok with it.

I still like him.

My chest burns when I cry.

I sleep alone.

I cry alone.

I crave attention but then am embarrassed when I get it.

I am just another girl who feels like she is invisible.

I feel like a hypocrite and a melodramatic.

I wish I was wise.

I wish I were humble.

I wish I were together and a good friend.

I have not yet proved myself to be a good person even though I know deep down I have the potential to be.

My loneliness threatens me everyday. And it frightens me.

I wish I had a happier life even though I see the value of suffering.

I am scared.

I have no idea who I really am.

Moment of Weakness

FB's ex-girlf is in the hospital. I found out at work yesterday and I was genuinely concerned. I realize you would think I would be the last person to feel bad but I am not heartless and I do believe she is special to him in a way I can never understand or know because he would never tell me.

Anyway he told me and I was really concerned. I prayed for her. A lot. I would like to think that my motives were right but perhaps they weren't. After all I was praying for a stranger because of him right?

Anyway i prayed and hoped that I could overlook what I did and be genuine and really beseech God for her sake and for his sake.

I told him once I wanted him to be happy. And he said he wanted me to be happy. But I doubt he knows how miserable he makes me. He has been dating this girl. He claims they are not dating but once when we spoke he referred to an outing with her as the last date he had been on. I don't think he realized.

He has been mooching off of my emotions for months. I thought I could be detached but I still am surprised when the feelings of jealousy and sadness sweep over me when I see him with her in the hallways and when I see him on the phone smiling flirtatiously. It is so silly but I can not stop the feelings. I am so overdue in this. I have to get out of this job and I have to get away from him to move on.

He has made it painfully clear time and time again that he would by no means ever in any lifetime or in any realm of possibility ever ever see me in that light. Although he would gladly kiss me and talk to me whenever his heart desires because he knows I will be there.

Don't think I don't know I am a fool. I have known for so so long. By "trying to do the right thing" i have let him destroy my confidence. I was ok before him. I mean, i was lonely, yes and sad sometimes but I didn't have anything hanging over my head.

But this is too much. He can not see how much he hurts me by just existing. Because his existence tells me there is a flaw with me. There is something about me that turns him way off. I know it is silly to think everyone wants to be with you or will be attracted to you. I know that is not the case. I was happy being slightly miserable from distance but he wanted to be friends and before I had the sense to stop I fell for him hard. Ugh.

Everybody plays the fool and everybody is rejected and after eight months of blind foolish hope, i know that. I also know he isn't the man for me and that my loneliness has amplified this situation so much more than it should have been.

I am hoping that I get a job PRONTO. I need out. I need to make him my past. Right now I indulge him. I am weak. But God said he was my strength in my weakness. And I have more important things to think about than someone who doesn't think much of me despite his empty words.

Hmmmn. Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't write about this again until I was over it.

Then again I promised myself I would stop indulging him and move on with my life. Fifteen billions times. I promised I would stay away from him and just be civil for the sake of work. I promised myself I would not sleep with him or anyone ever again until I was truly, legally and heavenly theirs. But I went back on it. My weak flesh gave in and my malnourished spirit had no chance.

Go figure.