Long time no blog...

I haven't been on here in a span and I don't like that.

I dunno what has happened since I last wrote. Oh yes I do. Him.

Obsessing about boys is just so usless. Such a blinking waste of buggery time you know?

We have been getting a little closer and closer. But I really should go with my initial instincts about things. I am just not that into him. He is just temporarily filling some vacum in me but he isn't for me. He's just gone to Zim for the hols. Thank goodness. I don't think I could have kept up the ficade any longer. Well, actually, that is the problem isn't it? I would probably have kept it going until some valid excuse presented itself. Not very proactive I realize. But whatev.

I think I wanna just be friends. He is not touching me on the inside. My feelings towards him are flat. And it's not fair to keep this going.

Remember a while back I posted on a portion in the book Eleven Nimutes about how the main character met a man and it was like when a rock is thrown into a pond. The ripples extend out and inevitably touch a duck and that symbolizes connections and how some people are placed in our lives to touch us that way? The post was "Once Upon A Girl" and made more sense than this paragraph.

I met a man that looked into me today. I was wondering if this was one of those encounters with angels or something that get you to think about yourself and really look hard into yourself. But last time I checked angels didn't come from Kenya. Lol. No, I don't think he was angelic, but he was a random man who touched my life today.

I was sitting outside on a park bench basking in the sun like a lizard. I was cold and the sun felt so good on my face. I was slumped down on the bench and had my eyes shut. For some reason as he passed me I happened to slit my eyes open and he was staring at me as he walked past me. He stopped and asked me if I was ok. I said yes, I'm fine. He asked if I was Kenyan. Incidentally, two other people have asked me that this week. I suppose I look Kenyan this week or something. I don't mind. Kenyans are beautiful and very much like Zimbabweans. I was happy to be assured that i do indeed look African. I worry that I pass for American what with my accent and all. Nothing wrong with being American but sometimes you want to look like who you are you know? I dunno if that makes any sense. I digress.

I asked him if I looked particularly Kenyan. He said yes but that I could pass for a Zimbabwean. Good to know, lol. And there began a twenty minute conversation unlike any I have had in a while. We talked about relationships. Not in the cliche way everybody does with strangers.

It was very sociological our conversation. Very intellectual. I haven't had that in a while. It inspired some introspection on my part. He got me thinking about the meanings we place on relationships and sex and innocence. He said he could tell I was innocent. I have to admit shamefacedly that i lied a little. I told him i had never had sexual relations. I am still getting used to the fact that that is not true anymore. It's been a year and still it haunts me because it changed me yet I forget all the time until I think about it and it hits me once again. I am no longer innocent. But he said he could tell I was. He said there was a beautiful simplicity about me.

I usually brush off such comments form men but with him ther was no alterior motive. This is not just because he is engaged to be married and clearly smitten with his fiance. It isn't because he is a Christian man from Africa who values love and respects relationships. I just felt secure when he said that to me that he wasn't having me on. He was sincere and I felt it. And it shocked me.

I was flattered but at the same time I am not really innocent. I dunno if his perception of me was really just based on what I told him or if he really saw into me the way his eyes insinuated, I felt very open. And he said that he thought I was intelligent. I was not basking in the compliments, I was looking into me and analyzing my thoughts on the things we spoke of.

He was an interesting man. An African who I instantly connected with, though we had no business ever meeting each other. And the kicker was, I didn't feel the way I feel when I meet other men. I didn't feel the need to impress or flirt or be coy. I didn't feel the need to turn on the attraction feature in my brain. I was at ease. I enjoyed his words, not the possibility of there being somehting there. I wanted to speak to him more so we could be friends. I was intrigued by this individual who touched my life today.

How many times do you meet people with beautiful spirits. You don't know them from Adam but you can see that they have soul. That it will not be a fickle connection but it'll run deep, no matter how long your encounter or friendship lasts. Even if I never see him again, I hope that I am not that easily amused that this meeting is not something I overvalued on a whim. I would like to think I am right about this one. I have been wrong a lot when it comes to people, friends and guys. I have been wrong a whole lot. But can't I be right this time? Can't I connect with another spirit for pure reasons. No strings attached? Is that asking too much?

The world is so busy right now and no one takes the time anymore to value simple encounters and to have no expectations from people. He said that today. He said people are so selfish and so hardened these days. They are. I catch myself being hardened at times myself. I was a little detached before last October. Admittedly I was a little high and mighty and needed to be brought down a notch but I let myself fall a few more rungs down the ladder than was necessary. I dwelled and dwelled and still allow old ghosts to haunt me.

I need to step back and wait for the one. I have lowered my expectations because I thought that is what I needed to do. I thought that was what I deserved. I made mistakes but I don't deserve any less than what was intended for me. I still deserve real love. A real connection. A beautiful spirit to recognize the beauty in my spirit. To soften the bits of me that have been hardened. And realizing that today after talking to a stranger makes me happy. And optimistic.

Am I naive? Do I give life and humans too much credit?