Uh Oh Not bloody again

So Jackson came over last night. We hung out, watched Saturday Night Live reruns and chatted about nothing in particular. It was cool, no big deal right?

With me it's always a bloody big deal. Things got out of control somehow. What happens to me honestly? I mean it's like my brain shuts down and everything I planned not to say or do gets lost in the blooming wind. No I did not sleep with him if that's what you're thinking. Nothing like that. But I was planning on making this a friendship and now I'm scribbled. I don't want this going on and becoming complicated so I am debating on whether I should cut him off or not. That seems to always be my remedy to uncomfortable situations with men. I need to actually come up with a functional strategy and stop running because I'll never learn anything this way.

He phoned me today and he sent me two messages. I ignored him. I didn't pick up my phone and didn't reply him. Bollucks the dozey cow.

I am being completely dizzy about this whole dating thing. It's not working out because I don't know what the fridge I am doing. Ever. I almost slept with him. Almost. Not good. Not good at all. You are flipping celibate remember? Dizzy cow.

I hate this. I can't keep running from relations with men because I keep saying I'm not ready, I'm not mature and I need to grow but then when a man does appear in my life, I do the same blasted things over and over again and lose it and then retreat back into my "I'd rather be single" mode so I can ,live in a relationship-proof cave by myself brooding on my shortcomings as an individual only to emerge from that cave on the arm of whatever new man has flown under the radar and go mad and lose my friggin mind and be lost once again..

Jackson was meant to go away. I know that soudns juvenile but I was kind of hoping to stumble upon a big bag of fairy dust and alaka-zula-mentakabula-bibbity-bobbity shoo him away so I wouldn't have any drama. I figured, he has a horrible name, seems a little non-adventurous for my tastes and is not right for me at all. But then I flirt a lot and men seem confused by this and they assume things which they are corrrect in assuming because there is no method to the madness that is my flirting. And then I get stuffed because I am wandering around in circles and making silly decisions and then kickeng myself in the arse for being so dizzy. Damn it.

Ok. Steady on. I need a grip. Why does this happen to me everytime? EVERYTIME. EVERY BLOODY WANKING TIME DAMN IT! What is wrong with me, why can't I be normal? I don't want Jackson. How do I know? I don't but I don't trust myself around him or any other man. I let things get out of hand and self control goes out the bloody window and consequences are reflected on while they are being suffered instead of before. I shut down and it's almost as if someone else takes over my body and mind and I am just watching, paralyzed and unable to stop myself from saying dumb things and doing dumber things.

I need God. That's really all it boils down to. I need God and I need Him right this minute because this whole life thing is falling apart and my relationship woes are only the manifestation of the state of my entire being right now. I'm a mess. Pure and simple.

Work in Progress.