They really are you know. I am in Detroit right now, waiting for my flight to Amsterdam. I have a five hour wait. Yay. And then a ten hour flight and then another 12 hour layover. This bites.
My great grandfather, the coolest man i have ever met in my life, just died. This really really sucks. He was like a father to my mum, considering hers was a deadbeat for so many years. He was a true man of God, the only great hope this family ever had of surviving and now...he's gone. He was over a hundred and sick. We knew it was coming but still. I was stunned. I heard from dadd who called me a few minutes before i boarded my plane. I sat ther motionlessly staring off into space for what seemed a second, but this lady came up to me and gave me a tissue. apparently my body was crying but hadn't told my mind yet. I was shocked. It is so wierd.
He was our glue. Every family needs glue. He was it. Now what? It hasn't even been a year since Aunty Miriam left. And now this. Damn it all to bloody hell.
I am off for two months to the middle east. Looking forward to it i suppose. Me and the boy are still living in limbo. I am so up and down with him. One minute i am dying to see him and have him touch me or just hold me or let me lean my head or body on him. Then i have my lucid moments where i try to put things into perspective and reason that he is not what i need. Pot. That is no joke. He is not incapacitated, but pot definately slows you down. I never saw myself with a pothead. I dunno that i can rightfully call him that, he's not that bad. But doesn't it follow that if you occasionally do pot, you are a pothead?
I dunno man, i am trying to reason with myself. I need a man who is on top of his game. But is that not hypocritical and judgemental when i myself am not on top of my game? I should really focus on what sort of woman i need to be for the man i am destined to be with. But i can't be blind and try and be ideal for just anyone.
Malaika said not to think so hard. Just date him. No strings attached. Also do not believe he wants to marry me. I know that. I don't think he understands what marriage really is. I don't think he fully understands that i am not the perfect woman for him like he likes to imagine i am. But how is either one of us meant to know that anyway?
I do talk about relationships and men a lot don't i? Perhaps my depraved teenhood has all been crammed into the here and now and i am going through stuff normal people went through at a younger age. You know how it is easier to learn a language when you are younger? The older you get, the harder it is. Could the same be said about love?
California was gorgeous. Will write about that later, my minutes are up.
I just hate that i didn't get a chance to see him before he died. He was our rock. Damn it all to bloody hell.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry about your grandfather. I feel the same about my grandmother. She is our glue. She was like a mother to me. I love her...and she's sick. She could die...and even though she isn' here mentally...just knowing she still breathes the air that I do makes me feel better...even if she is exhaling 3,000 miles away from me. I also know about the crying without realizing it. That is deep pain...so deep your brain can't tap into it because it might make your heart stop...your heart is already killing you...I've been there..and I am so sorry.
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