I am not sure what to say about him really. I really know I should not fall for him. Why is it every time I come to this blasted country, I have some man on my brain. The first time it was that short little idiot in Zim. Then after that it was Bigg. Jackass. And after him it was B. And now it’s him. I haven’t thought up a name for him just yet. Every buggery time I come home, I am preoccupied with stupid thoughts of some stupid man.
I just want for once for it to work out you know? I am so sick of all these near misses. I just want something solid. But at the same time I don’t know that he is right for me. I mean, I dunno what it is. I am sexually attracted to him. I think he’s nice and we talk like friends. I tell him crazy things about me. I always do that, well almost always anyway.
Mum isn’t here, she went home for sekuru’s funeral. Everyone else is at school or work. I am so bored already. I dunno what my motivation was to come for the whole summer. I suppose it was that escapism thing I do. I wanted to be missed I suppose. But I don’t think anyone does really. Well, I know he does.
He called me his baby on a voice message on my phone. It sounds stupid but I liked it. I want to be someone’s baby. I want to call someone baby. Have them be mine, you know? But is it him? I am scared. I just get hung up on his faults which really isn’t fair because he doesn’t do that with mine, and I know I have some pretty prominent ones. I am just afraid if I just let things happen, I could really end up falling hard for this guy. And for all the wrong reasons I am afraid. I think about him sexually all the time. Am I wrong for that? Probably am. That is really shallow. But I do. I desperately want someone to hold me, all the time. And he’s available and a prime candidate. I don’t know what the hell I am doing.
I want him. Shouldn’t that be bloody enough? It’s not like it’s marriage right? I can always get out of it yeah? So why worry so damn much? Because I will fall in love with him and he won’t be right for me and I’ll be trapped by my own love for him.
What the fuck?
1 comment:
ahh you're normal..just believe that. we women think way more than men do about stuff.
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