I am not sure what to say about him really. I really know I should not fall for him. Why is it every time I come to this blasted country, I have some man on my brain. The first time it was that short little idiot in Zim. Then after that it was Bigg. Jackass. And after him it was B. And now it’s him. I haven’t thought up a name for him just yet. Every buggery time I come home, I am preoccupied with stupid thoughts of some stupid man.
I just want for once for it to work out you know? I am so sick of all these near misses. I just want something solid. But at the same time I don’t know that he is right for me. I mean, I dunno what it is. I am sexually attracted to him. I think he’s nice and we talk like friends. I tell him crazy things about me. I always do that, well almost always anyway.
Mum isn’t here, she went home for sekuru’s funeral. Everyone else is at school or work. I am so bored already. I dunno what my motivation was to come for the whole summer. I suppose it was that escapism thing I do. I wanted to be missed I suppose. But I don’t think anyone does really. Well, I know he does.
He called me his baby on a voice message on my phone. It sounds stupid but I liked it. I want to be someone’s baby. I want to call someone baby. Have them be mine, you know? But is it him? I am scared. I just get hung up on his faults which really isn’t fair because he doesn’t do that with mine, and I know I have some pretty prominent ones. I am just afraid if I just let things happen, I could really end up falling hard for this guy. And for all the wrong reasons I am afraid. I think about him sexually all the time. Am I wrong for that? Probably am. That is really shallow. But I do. I desperately want someone to hold me, all the time. And he’s available and a prime candidate. I don’t know what the hell I am doing.
I want him. Shouldn’t that be bloody enough? It’s not like it’s marriage right? I can always get out of it yeah? So why worry so damn much? Because I will fall in love with him and he won’t be right for me and I’ll be trapped by my own love for him.
What the fuck?
Wednesday, May 31
Sunday, May 28
Layovers are the devil
They really are you know. I am in Detroit right now, waiting for my flight to Amsterdam. I have a five hour wait. Yay. And then a ten hour flight and then another 12 hour layover. This bites.
My great grandfather, the coolest man i have ever met in my life, just died. This really really sucks. He was like a father to my mum, considering hers was a deadbeat for so many years. He was a true man of God, the only great hope this family ever had of surviving and now...he's gone. He was over a hundred and sick. We knew it was coming but still. I was stunned. I heard from dadd who called me a few minutes before i boarded my plane. I sat ther motionlessly staring off into space for what seemed a second, but this lady came up to me and gave me a tissue. apparently my body was crying but hadn't told my mind yet. I was shocked. It is so wierd.
He was our glue. Every family needs glue. He was it. Now what? It hasn't even been a year since Aunty Miriam left. And now this. Damn it all to bloody hell.
I am off for two months to the middle east. Looking forward to it i suppose. Me and the boy are still living in limbo. I am so up and down with him. One minute i am dying to see him and have him touch me or just hold me or let me lean my head or body on him. Then i have my lucid moments where i try to put things into perspective and reason that he is not what i need. Pot. That is no joke. He is not incapacitated, but pot definately slows you down. I never saw myself with a pothead. I dunno that i can rightfully call him that, he's not that bad. But doesn't it follow that if you occasionally do pot, you are a pothead?
I dunno man, i am trying to reason with myself. I need a man who is on top of his game. But is that not hypocritical and judgemental when i myself am not on top of my game? I should really focus on what sort of woman i need to be for the man i am destined to be with. But i can't be blind and try and be ideal for just anyone.
Malaika said not to think so hard. Just date him. No strings attached. Also do not believe he wants to marry me. I know that. I don't think he understands what marriage really is. I don't think he fully understands that i am not the perfect woman for him like he likes to imagine i am. But how is either one of us meant to know that anyway?
I do talk about relationships and men a lot don't i? Perhaps my depraved teenhood has all been crammed into the here and now and i am going through stuff normal people went through at a younger age. You know how it is easier to learn a language when you are younger? The older you get, the harder it is. Could the same be said about love?
California was gorgeous. Will write about that later, my minutes are up.
I just hate that i didn't get a chance to see him before he died. He was our rock. Damn it all to bloody hell.
My great grandfather, the coolest man i have ever met in my life, just died. This really really sucks. He was like a father to my mum, considering hers was a deadbeat for so many years. He was a true man of God, the only great hope this family ever had of surviving and now...he's gone. He was over a hundred and sick. We knew it was coming but still. I was stunned. I heard from dadd who called me a few minutes before i boarded my plane. I sat ther motionlessly staring off into space for what seemed a second, but this lady came up to me and gave me a tissue. apparently my body was crying but hadn't told my mind yet. I was shocked. It is so wierd.
He was our glue. Every family needs glue. He was it. Now what? It hasn't even been a year since Aunty Miriam left. And now this. Damn it all to bloody hell.
I am off for two months to the middle east. Looking forward to it i suppose. Me and the boy are still living in limbo. I am so up and down with him. One minute i am dying to see him and have him touch me or just hold me or let me lean my head or body on him. Then i have my lucid moments where i try to put things into perspective and reason that he is not what i need. Pot. That is no joke. He is not incapacitated, but pot definately slows you down. I never saw myself with a pothead. I dunno that i can rightfully call him that, he's not that bad. But doesn't it follow that if you occasionally do pot, you are a pothead?
I dunno man, i am trying to reason with myself. I need a man who is on top of his game. But is that not hypocritical and judgemental when i myself am not on top of my game? I should really focus on what sort of woman i need to be for the man i am destined to be with. But i can't be blind and try and be ideal for just anyone.
Malaika said not to think so hard. Just date him. No strings attached. Also do not believe he wants to marry me. I know that. I don't think he understands what marriage really is. I don't think he fully understands that i am not the perfect woman for him like he likes to imagine i am. But how is either one of us meant to know that anyway?
I do talk about relationships and men a lot don't i? Perhaps my depraved teenhood has all been crammed into the here and now and i am going through stuff normal people went through at a younger age. You know how it is easier to learn a language when you are younger? The older you get, the harder it is. Could the same be said about love?
California was gorgeous. Will write about that later, my minutes are up.
I just hate that i didn't get a chance to see him before he died. He was our rock. Damn it all to bloody hell.
Friday, May 19
We Go Deep and We Don't Get No Sleep
Ok, so things are getting a little more complicated again. I don't know how to feel about him. I want to be easy and just let life happen, but i am so control freakish that i can't do that. I have to be certain. Certain of what you ask? I'm not sure, i think certain that i made the right choice you know?
Okay. Let us reason together shall we? I know, we'll make a list. Pros and Cons. Right.
Cons:
1. The "wisdom" weed.
2. Not currently employed.
3. Short.
4. Hangs out with my cousins and doesn't seem to get much done daily.
5. Thinks i am sexy.
6.Wants to get married eventually. To me. And tells me this.
7. Seems to have somewhat of a rose coloured image of me.
8. Seems a tad too idealistic.
9. Ambiguous spiritual walk.
10. Doesn't have his own place yet. Lives with Aunt.
11. May have a bit of a temper. Or was that just road rage?
12. May be a little jealous.
13. Didn't insist on it and let it happen anyway. (That one will remain cryptic. I'll let you decide what you want that to mean)
Pros:
1. Has dimples.
2. Comes from respectable family.
3. Has a college degree.
4. Thinks i am sexy.
5. Seems sincere in desire to committ.
6. Is ambitious, even if too much at times.
7. Is very patient with me.
8. Knows that God is real and seems to be on some kind of spiritual walk.
9. Closely linked with my family, well part of it anyway.
10. Indulges my crazy ways and silly behavior.
11. Likes to look at me even when my hair looks gross and my make up has faded.
12. Seemingly has a lot of interests in common with me.
13. Has a sexy voice, if at times i don't get his slang.
Hmmn. Oh dear. It seems we find ourselves in a bit of a quandary. I just don't know. But i am giving him a chance because being alone is so depressing and there really is no reason to be when someone is interested in being with you and you enjoy hanging out with them and are attracted to them right? Or is that settling and being desperate?
I am growing to like him more and more each time i spend time with him. I find myself not wanting to leave when it is time to say goodbye and thinking about him when i'm not with him. Why though? Because he's conveniently here? I have no other real options right now? Or is it a real connection, a spiritual familiarity where my spirit recognizes his as being the other half?
I don't know. Are you meant to know that right away? Is it like spontaneous combustion or more like lighting the wick on a stick of dynamite?
I got close to him. You know what i mean. The same way i got 'close' to B. That is what scares me most. I do not want that contradiction. I do not want that stress. Because it is stressful you know. He knew i am funny about it, but still got caught up with me. Just like i got caught up in it all.
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
That has such a deeper meaning than just sex you know. It is my anthem it seems. Oh dear.
Okay. Let us reason together shall we? I know, we'll make a list. Pros and Cons. Right.
Cons:
1. The "wisdom" weed.
2. Not currently employed.
3. Short.
4. Hangs out with my cousins and doesn't seem to get much done daily.
5. Thinks i am sexy.
6.Wants to get married eventually. To me. And tells me this.
7. Seems to have somewhat of a rose coloured image of me.
8. Seems a tad too idealistic.
9. Ambiguous spiritual walk.
10. Doesn't have his own place yet. Lives with Aunt.
11. May have a bit of a temper. Or was that just road rage?
12. May be a little jealous.
13. Didn't insist on it and let it happen anyway. (That one will remain cryptic. I'll let you decide what you want that to mean)
Pros:
1. Has dimples.
2. Comes from respectable family.
3. Has a college degree.
4. Thinks i am sexy.
5. Seems sincere in desire to committ.
6. Is ambitious, even if too much at times.
7. Is very patient with me.
8. Knows that God is real and seems to be on some kind of spiritual walk.
9. Closely linked with my family, well part of it anyway.
10. Indulges my crazy ways and silly behavior.
11. Likes to look at me even when my hair looks gross and my make up has faded.
12. Seemingly has a lot of interests in common with me.
13. Has a sexy voice, if at times i don't get his slang.
Hmmn. Oh dear. It seems we find ourselves in a bit of a quandary. I just don't know. But i am giving him a chance because being alone is so depressing and there really is no reason to be when someone is interested in being with you and you enjoy hanging out with them and are attracted to them right? Or is that settling and being desperate?
I am growing to like him more and more each time i spend time with him. I find myself not wanting to leave when it is time to say goodbye and thinking about him when i'm not with him. Why though? Because he's conveniently here? I have no other real options right now? Or is it a real connection, a spiritual familiarity where my spirit recognizes his as being the other half?
I don't know. Are you meant to know that right away? Is it like spontaneous combustion or more like lighting the wick on a stick of dynamite?
I got close to him. You know what i mean. The same way i got 'close' to B. That is what scares me most. I do not want that contradiction. I do not want that stress. Because it is stressful you know. He knew i am funny about it, but still got caught up with me. Just like i got caught up in it all.
The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
That has such a deeper meaning than just sex you know. It is my anthem it seems. Oh dear.
Monday, May 15
Bone weary
I am so freaking tired yo. I have been working nonstop since Thursday and my dogs are howling!! Today was a light day, i worked from 1:30 till 9:30. Stood the whole time but Saturday was crazy. I was on my feet for 14 hours.
You see it is the busiest time of year for my building, Texas Hall. It is graduation season and we were covering about three or four graduations a day at times, like Saturday. I went in at 7:30 in the morning and got off around 10 that night and i was standing the whole time. I was glad for all the hours though. 14 hours in one day is a lot more money than i made a week last month. And it was like that all weekend so hopefully my bank accoutn will not look so pathetic in a little bit. Yay for money.
I am tired right now. But he is coming to pick me up in a few. I know. I know. But i am testing the waters a little. Plus.....he has dimples dammit. He is so adorable. Short. I dunno what it is with me and short guys. I am short. He is about my height. Yeah, i dunno whatever.
Enough said about that. Let's move on.
Denise has been emailing me like crazee sicne she came up with this whole magazine brainchild. Yes, we are starting a mag for world travelled women. It is mostly exploring differnet countries and cultures and such but we have a very original twost i can't even share on this blog. And i am the "Creative Director." Oh Lord.
Once my cousin is motivated about something, there is literally no stopping her you know. She sends me about fifty emails a day now. She has a mission plan, the first issue planned out and due to come out in the fall, a web designer and a five year plan...... in bloody writing. You have to admire her initiative. But not when she calls you five times an hour and emails you twice as often and expects you to have worked on it. I dunno what the hell she does at her job or where she gets all her time but damn. I am in school still. I have a job. I am busy.
So we are going to be an e-zine for the first year starting this November. She's using the money from her mom's insurance (and it is a lot) to start the whole thing. I came up with the name, African naturally. I am kinda proud of it actually. I am also writing the feature for the first issue and a travel peice on Iran. She is going to Cape Town and meeting me and my family in Dubai this summer so she's writing those two places up. We have the whole year of issues planned out, with who is writing what and where. We cover each continent pretty much.
She is serious as a heart attack about this yo. And she is bugging me everyday. I sometimes have to avoid the calls. I admire her, i really do but i just barely got out of school and am working. I need a breath before my travelling starts.
I am off to California this weekend to see her. Daniel and i are on the same flight out there and we will tour Cali and crash at Denise's place. Should be fun, never been before so i am excited.
I get back oin time for S's graduation and then i hop on another plane the next day and fly home. The trip will be horrific. I have fifteen hour layover in Bloody Amsterdam!! Okay, okay, so it's only ten, but still, that is painful. Plus i have a layover in Detroit for five hours. WTF?
I am so tired all of a sudden. But he'll be here in a minute. Hmmn.
You see it is the busiest time of year for my building, Texas Hall. It is graduation season and we were covering about three or four graduations a day at times, like Saturday. I went in at 7:30 in the morning and got off around 10 that night and i was standing the whole time. I was glad for all the hours though. 14 hours in one day is a lot more money than i made a week last month. And it was like that all weekend so hopefully my bank accoutn will not look so pathetic in a little bit. Yay for money.
I am tired right now. But he is coming to pick me up in a few. I know. I know. But i am testing the waters a little. Plus.....he has dimples dammit. He is so adorable. Short. I dunno what it is with me and short guys. I am short. He is about my height. Yeah, i dunno whatever.
Enough said about that. Let's move on.
Denise has been emailing me like crazee sicne she came up with this whole magazine brainchild. Yes, we are starting a mag for world travelled women. It is mostly exploring differnet countries and cultures and such but we have a very original twost i can't even share on this blog. And i am the "Creative Director." Oh Lord.
Once my cousin is motivated about something, there is literally no stopping her you know. She sends me about fifty emails a day now. She has a mission plan, the first issue planned out and due to come out in the fall, a web designer and a five year plan...... in bloody writing. You have to admire her initiative. But not when she calls you five times an hour and emails you twice as often and expects you to have worked on it. I dunno what the hell she does at her job or where she gets all her time but damn. I am in school still. I have a job. I am busy.
So we are going to be an e-zine for the first year starting this November. She's using the money from her mom's insurance (and it is a lot) to start the whole thing. I came up with the name, African naturally. I am kinda proud of it actually. I am also writing the feature for the first issue and a travel peice on Iran. She is going to Cape Town and meeting me and my family in Dubai this summer so she's writing those two places up. We have the whole year of issues planned out, with who is writing what and where. We cover each continent pretty much.
She is serious as a heart attack about this yo. And she is bugging me everyday. I sometimes have to avoid the calls. I admire her, i really do but i just barely got out of school and am working. I need a breath before my travelling starts.
I am off to California this weekend to see her. Daniel and i are on the same flight out there and we will tour Cali and crash at Denise's place. Should be fun, never been before so i am excited.
I get back oin time for S's graduation and then i hop on another plane the next day and fly home. The trip will be horrific. I have fifteen hour layover in Bloody Amsterdam!! Okay, okay, so it's only ten, but still, that is painful. Plus i have a layover in Detroit for five hours. WTF?
I am so tired all of a sudden. But he'll be here in a minute. Hmmn.
Monday, May 8
Friday, May 5
I can not be bloody trusted
It's bloody happening again.
Buggery wanking todger! I am such a deluded moron.
It was raining last night. Hard. It's a little thing between us that we love watching thunderstorms. It was lightening and everything. It was beautiful. It was three in the a.m.
He called me. Asked what i was doing. I was not sleeping. He asked if he could pick me up so we could watch the thunderstorm together. I said yes. I went.
We went to J's. Unfortunately J was still up. For about an hour. He finally left and went into his room to sleep and he put in Wedding Crashers. I would have preferred sitting in a car and watching the rain, but it worked i guess. He was laying on me.
We stayed up after the movie ended, talking. We delved into deep issues.
I do not know what i want right now but i felt a pull towards him. I knew better, the pull was really strong but also shallow. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. I saw myself crashing but couldn't do anything to stop it. Well, i could but didn't.
Around 9 this morning we were still up and he said he wanted to taste my "luscious lips" after i provoked and provoked him to get the desired affect. I worked my mischeivous charm. I asked him what was holding him back.
Things fall apart.
I need to stop this behaviour. This just will not do chum. Just won't do. I need to stop before i do something i might regret. But now he thinks i am on the same page as he is and i'm not.
This just will not do.
Buggery wanking todger! I am such a deluded moron.
It was raining last night. Hard. It's a little thing between us that we love watching thunderstorms. It was lightening and everything. It was beautiful. It was three in the a.m.
He called me. Asked what i was doing. I was not sleeping. He asked if he could pick me up so we could watch the thunderstorm together. I said yes. I went.
We went to J's. Unfortunately J was still up. For about an hour. He finally left and went into his room to sleep and he put in Wedding Crashers. I would have preferred sitting in a car and watching the rain, but it worked i guess. He was laying on me.
We stayed up after the movie ended, talking. We delved into deep issues.
I do not know what i want right now but i felt a pull towards him. I knew better, the pull was really strong but also shallow. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. I saw myself crashing but couldn't do anything to stop it. Well, i could but didn't.
Around 9 this morning we were still up and he said he wanted to taste my "luscious lips" after i provoked and provoked him to get the desired affect. I worked my mischeivous charm. I asked him what was holding him back.
Things fall apart.
I need to stop this behaviour. This just will not do chum. Just won't do. I need to stop before i do something i might regret. But now he thinks i am on the same page as he is and i'm not.
This just will not do.
Wednesday, May 3
Seriously, get a grip
Why do men insist on plagueing me with ridiculous terms of endearment? I mean men i am not involved with, men i am involved with, friends of mine who are unfortunate enough to be men.
Sweetheart. Sweetie. Baby. My little [insert my real name here]. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Princess. Sexy. Honey. Doll. Darling.
Gag me with a million spoons. It's everytime i pick up my phone.
"Hey princess." or "Whats the deal sweetie?"
"Whats up sweetheart."
"Hi gorgeous."
"Ok, i'll talk to u later beautiful."
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!
I find it ridiculous and patronizing. My dad doesn't even call me such silly things. It makes me wince when i hear that, especially from people who don't even know me. How the hell do u know i am sweet anyhow? Who designated me princess of your illusions? I almost feel as if they are cutting me down to something fragile breakable. I never feel special like i imagine is the desired effect. It just bugs the fuck out of me.
Except........ when he says it. Because i am HIS sweetheart. His baby and his princess.
So humph!
Sweetheart. Sweetie. Baby. My little [insert my real name here]. Gorgeous. Beautiful. Princess. Sexy. Honey. Doll. Darling.
Gag me with a million spoons. It's everytime i pick up my phone.
"Hey princess." or "Whats the deal sweetie?"
"Whats up sweetheart."
"Hi gorgeous."
"Ok, i'll talk to u later beautiful."
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!
I find it ridiculous and patronizing. My dad doesn't even call me such silly things. It makes me wince when i hear that, especially from people who don't even know me. How the hell do u know i am sweet anyhow? Who designated me princess of your illusions? I almost feel as if they are cutting me down to something fragile breakable. I never feel special like i imagine is the desired effect. It just bugs the fuck out of me.
Except........ when he says it. Because i am HIS sweetheart. His baby and his princess.
So humph!
Tuesday, May 2
Shut Up.
I've lost my glasses case. I have my glasses with me, thank goodness, but my contact was in the glasses case. Damn Damn DAMN.
Pissy day. Bombed my feature. Granted i did the whole thing two hours before it was due but damn it that was a long two hours. I hate school and journalism, i really truly do. Stupid world.
I am so rethinking Mr. Wright. That's his name ironically enough. His last name in any event. Nothing happened except my bitch of a day and now i have lapsed into a funky mood and when that happens no one is safe from my wrath. But then again my wrath is vented in a blog and so no one actually ever feels the sting of said wrath so it makes it all redundant doesn't it? But he can stuff it with all that bullshit talk.
I feel like cursing. Like spitting. Like hitting a brick wall. With my head. I hate the world and everything in it. Stupid stupid world.
I have no where to live next semester as yet because of procrastination. Stupid life.
I hate my friends right now. All of them can eat rocks and fuckin die.
I am not PMS-ing. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me all of a sudden. I am just in a sour mood.
Stupid, stupid life.
Pissy day. Bombed my feature. Granted i did the whole thing two hours before it was due but damn it that was a long two hours. I hate school and journalism, i really truly do. Stupid world.
I am so rethinking Mr. Wright. That's his name ironically enough. His last name in any event. Nothing happened except my bitch of a day and now i have lapsed into a funky mood and when that happens no one is safe from my wrath. But then again my wrath is vented in a blog and so no one actually ever feels the sting of said wrath so it makes it all redundant doesn't it? But he can stuff it with all that bullshit talk.
I feel like cursing. Like spitting. Like hitting a brick wall. With my head. I hate the world and everything in it. Stupid stupid world.
I have no where to live next semester as yet because of procrastination. Stupid life.
I hate my friends right now. All of them can eat rocks and fuckin die.
I am not PMS-ing. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me all of a sudden. I am just in a sour mood.
Stupid, stupid life.
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