Maya

Dr. Maya Angelou came t speak here this pas t Saturday. Now you know i had to get a good ticket to that. She is one of the most phenomenal women of our time. Absolutely phenomenal. When she came out she got a standing ovation. I was so moved. I have no idea why, all she did was walk but i was moved by being in the presence of such a great woman.

She spoke about composers. We are all composers she said. We have the power as human beings to compose a part of somebody's life. It can be through everyday, passing interaction like a good morning or a smile. Or it can be through the people who impact our lives, both negatively and positively. I am not good at recounting so i do not want to take away from her message but the way she delivered it was amazing. She read some poetry, both hers and other peoples'. It was a really intriguing night an i think he s more amazing than what i read in her books and her poetry. There hasn't been a poetess in my opinion, who has captured thought in such a way that is is spoken art. I love her words, they are impactful. I have a;ways dreamed of being able to write like that, in a way that is beautiful and totally original.

I had so much i wanted to write about as soon as i got home Saturday but i gt lazy. Now i have no idea what i wanted to say. aND I AM A BIT LAZY AGAIN TOO. plus i am in photography class right now. rying hard not to let it get to me. Trying.

I need to write later on tonight, i have things to say. Not ranting, just thoughts.

Regurgitatations of the Mind

Red is getting married. She called me on Monday and told me she was getting married. Tuesday she turned 21. Wah? Apparently they celebrated her birthday on Saturday night and her boyfriend (lots of background info I really do not feel like getting into right now) proposed. She went a little nuts with joy and jumped up and down a little and said yes. Wedding’s in September. She wants me to be one of her bridesmaids. Fuck.

I suppose I am happy for her, goodness knows I delivered an Oscar-winning performance of overjoyed….joy…icity. But I can’t help thinking…. She’s 21. We went to school together for a semester before she decided college was not her thing. He’s not in college he works. She works. They are both 21-ish. Wah?

Ok. I must admit that I am rather frustrated. I just found out this past holiday that my schoolmate Hill is married. She’s in college in Boston and she went home for Christmas and Evie told me that she saw Hill and Hill is married.

I had a photo session today with one of the reporters in another class who is doing a feature on her dad who is some Army Sgt. She seemed cool enough, we talked on the way to and fro (got a ticket on the way fro….fun times) and somehow it came out that she is graduating in May and getting married a couple weeks later. She’s 24.

My friend Ru, not my best friend Ru but the other Ru. She is graduating this semester and going off to dental school. She and her long term boyfriend are talking about marriage. Also 24.

I spoke to my best friend Ru this morning after she and a guy from my past who is resurfacing and causing me to squirm just a little bit (that’ll have to be a story for another day kids.) woke me up at 5:30. She’s found someone she is thinking about making it serious with. No marriage talk there but nonetheless.

So I can’t help thinking about my own thoughts on marriage. I assert constantly how I am not ready for marriage and how I want to kick start my career first and get into my own before even considering marriage. I turn my nose up at people my age getting married already and tsk tsk inwardly. But truth be told…..marriage is something I seriously ponder about. All this talk I put out, is it really just a mask to hide my own insecurity about my fears of never getting to that point where I have the option?

I do not have a steady relationship. I have never in my life had one. I am turning 22 in a hot minute and I am feeling grossly unfulfilled. I know a relationship will not fulfill you, but I can’t help feeling just the slightest bit void in that department. It has been eating me up inside. I suppose that is why so much drama with D.C. and Bigg. Not because I want to marry them. I’d rather eat rocks with a fork. But because I have this vacuum.

All this talk of marriage all around me has not depressed me. It has made me aware of subconscious feelings and thoughts I try and bury. Honestly, I am torn. As much as I pine inwardly for a relationship, I am so cynical about them right now that I do not see the point. Being in between those two emotions is torturous. You want something so badly but at the same time you see it as useless and cause for even more woe.

22 is not old. But it’s not high school anymore. It’s not teenager anymore. To those older than me, I still have my life ahead of me. But t me, I am getting older. And there’s no stopping it. How do you deal with the realization that life is going by faster than you realize? I am 22 almost. What have I done with myself? Eight years is really not a long time at all. It flies by.

And what do you do when u are surrounded by guys who do not even have the inclination to seek anything truly meaningful with you? Where do you look for Mr. Sincerity and how do you find him? How do you force yourself to wait patiently for him to find you when you feel you have been waiting forever in vain? I do not want to wait in vain.

October changed my life if I have to be totally real with it. I became the person I had been living to not be. And I let myself be blindfolded and used. And the weird thing is, I am still there now. Being used for far less than I am worth. Being strung along is a gross understatement. Being dragged through the mud is more like it.

Clark. He’s such a good friend to me. I spoke with him this week. I had to. I told him, to some extent, how I was feeling. He’s someone I can say genuinely cares for me. It is such a lovely feeling, I wish it on everyone. He told me that there are so many guys who are dying to make me happy and dying to have me, all of me for me. Just for being me. That I am special. I know that everyone is supposed to have someone who thinks they are special. But that is different. He said D.C. did not care about me. I know that and I have heard it time and time again from the people I have told about D.C. But I think for the first time in a long while, I actually heard it. It did not fall on deaf ears.

Now where is all this coming from when I started off talking about marriage? Well, it seems to me it’s all relative. Commitment, marriage, dating, love. Belonging. It is a cycle I admit I do not understand and am frightened to death of. But it’s also a cycle I am inevitably tied into. And I have to find my place and my bearings and learn how to deal.

Being a bridesmaid might reinforce how lone I feel. But it’ll teach me how to deal. My life is not over or ending. But 22 is time to be a grown up and realize life for what it really is. What that is, I have no idea.

Pet Peeved

I think i am back to being a grown up again. No more wishing horrendous deaths to my professors. Although i have to add if she did happen to eat rocks, i doubt i'd send a fruit basket without thinking long and hard about it first. I'd probably put rocks in it to finish off the job. Ok, grown up. Sorry.

I wish i could take the artsy pics i post on this blog. I really should post some of my pics that i submit for grading and see if it really is crappy work or not. I have yet to actually post one of my pics from class, and i have not submitted any of the ones here, that is not the type of photography we are doing.

I am feeling the whole roommate thing again. I am trying, i really am, but next semester if i have a roommate i might have to hurt someone. Ok, if someone is watching tv or listening to music, is it just me or is it a bit rude to blast your laptop at full blast or switch on the tv while someone's radio's on? What the hell is that? Have i suddenly gone deaf? She did that last night. She does it always. It gets on my last bloody nerve. See, when i am listening to music and she walks in or if i am watching something on my laptop, i switch and put on my headphones so as to be considerate. Like i am doing now. Listening to Bob Marley and using my headphones. The TV is on full blast. She's watching some reality crap, which is another thing that drives me bonkers! The crap she watches! I know that is me being petty but i can hear only so much about bloody celebs and thier private lives on VH1 before i lose it and have to go for a walk. Why not talk to her you ask? Well, because i am a non-confrontational person. That is why this happens. This is why people feel they can do what they want and i will be ok with it. Because i don't say otherwise. Why is that you ask? Search bloody me.

Eat Rocks and Die

Terrible day in photo class, but then again what else is new right? I am the only one getting really horrendous grades on my photos and i absolutely HATE my professor. Texan hick!! She can eat rocks, choke on them and die for all i care. I hate her i hate her i hate her. No more trying to make excuses for her like 'oh well, she's as sweet as she can be but...." or "maybe my photos are not well done." Bullshit! I am so mad i don't care any more. I really hope she chokes on rocks and dies. Tonight. I would love to throw rocks at her. Like seriously. Country hick. I hate Texans and Texas and people like her. I am lashing out but i don't care. Drop dead witch. Stupid country prick.

Where Are You Now?

Love, my love
I regret the day you went away
I was too young to understand
my love
But now i understand
my mistakes

Where, where are you now?
Now that i'm ready to
Ready to love you the way
you loved me then
Where are you now?
Do you still think of me?
Or does your heart belong
to someone else's

Love, oh my love
Wonder sometimes were you just a dream
I sit in the dark
Wondering if our paths
Will ever cross again
Oh lord i need to know
I sit and wonder

If i close my eyes
And make a wish
When they open will you be right here with me

Could it be
that two people were meant to be
In my dreams
that's what i feel
Or could it be that
i'll never see you again
My love that was so true
Still i sit here waiting all alone
By the phone for you

-Janet

What About Your Friends....

I just got back from the Blue and White Bash they were holding on campus tonight. I wasn't gonna go but my roommate and her friend convinced me to so i went. I actually had a good time. I mean we played pool, i sucked a little. Then we went bowling. I bowled a..... you know what? i'm not telling you. It was so embarrassing but i was getting better when they started shutting the place down.

We met up with more of my roommates friends. There were these two from Ethiopia, sister. So beautiful makes you hate your own reflection. I just felt like cussing out the mirror. But i dunno that they are really nice people, at least not people i would hang out with regularly. They were cool, but there was something. I dunno, i think they are very aware of the fact that they are breakneck gorgeous. Whatever, i still had a good time. They also had caricaturists and a palm reader (creepy looking scam artist) and a mechanical bull and wax hands and all this stuff going on. It was a nice break from watching Lifetime or something retarded like that every Friday night. Not that i do that.......

I absolutely love my roommate's relationship with her guy friend K. They are true friends you now? Like they are so cool with each other, look out for each other, make fun of each other. It is so fun watching them together. I was a little jealous of their friendship yo. I mean me and Clark had that friendship but he is back home in Zim and i don't get to talk to him as much anymore. It was a high school thing. Even though most of my friends are guys, i do not feel so comfortable that i can tell them anything and feel totally at ease, like they have no alterior motives with me. T is ok, but we don't even talk much anymore and it's not really that same feeling. J is becoming a really cool friend which was unexpected but surprisingly pleasant. I dunno, i guess seeing my roommate and K together made me crave a really close friendship like that. Especially in times like this when i feel i am going to burst if i can't bear my soul to someone who will indulge me. This blogging thing isn't hitting the spot for me and i am careful to censor so much of what i really want to say.

Anyway bottomline, i had fun and thought of friendship. What about your friends? Will they stand their ground? Will they let you down? Sorry, i spontaneously break into song when i can think of one that directly has to do with my train of thought.

Wierd, i know.

Dialogue

I hate to harp on and on about it, but i figure this is my blog and i'll rant if i want to. Harp if i need to. Rant if i want to. You would rant too if it happened to you. Sorry....flashback from "Problem Child." Didn't you just love that movie way back when movies weren't very good? I know i did. And i still do.

Ok, i digress.

I talked to him. I did, and it was great. But at the same time pretty.....well let's just say things are not moving forward. Plus he was half asleep and mumbling but we had a dialogue. He said he thought i was testing him all this time that i have been ignoring his calls and messages. Of course i was but i assured him i was not testing him, that i was just busy. Hmmn. Ya, i dunno why i do that.

So he said he missed me and wanted me to come see him. I told him thanks but i can't afford to. He said he would pay but he has no money. I said oh. He said he would buy me a ticket as soon as he got some money. I said ok. He said he wanted to kiss me at the very least. He also asked if i really meant it when i said we would be friends forever. I said sure we would. No doubt. He asked me again if i was testing him. I lied and said no. He asked if i thought he was a good friend. I lied and said yes. He asked if things were awkward between us ever since October. I lied and said no. He said could we repeat October. I said sure, why not? He asked if i hated him. I lied said no.

Dialogue. I dunno why i didn't take that oppurtunity to stand up for myself. Well, he was half asleep and mumbling a bit and he thought i was angry with him. He was right. But at the same time i miss him so much. Am i being a complete fool? He said he wanted me. Because i was attractive. Liar liar pants on fire. Not about wanting me for that reason but about me being that reason. But self degredation aside, if he really only wants me becasue i am "pretty" or "cute" to him, what does that say about our friendship? Is it a farce? Is it fake? Are we trying to squeeze something meaningful out of something shallow?

I was supposed to tell him i lied when i said October did not affect me. I was supposed to tell him i thought he was taking advantage of me, using me and i was bound by my feelings for him. I was supposed to tell him i was really really confused about my feelings for him and i really really wanted some reciprocity. I was supposed to make him feel like crap because that is exactly how he made me feel.

But i was all smiles and faux laughs. I was all soothing and non confrontational. I was chicken. And i don't know how to reconcile how hurt i feel with how much i want him.

It seems this will be an ongoing saga for a while. Hold on to your seats kids. And brace yourselves.

Frustrated

I am having a really bad day.

It seems everytime i go for my photography class, i leave really upset. Right now i feel like drowning under my duvet and crying my eyes out. I am so upset with this class, and though i am not the only one, i am the only one who can feel what i am feeling right now.

Perhaps i do not have photographic vision, i dunno. I am getting really really bad grades so far on my pictures. I just got a 75 on two of my depth of field shots and i think i might get even worse grades on my motion shots that i handed in today. I am so frustrated i want to cry.

I can't drown in bed because i have a major exam tomorrow and a huge story due the next day and i haven't even gotten the ok for an interview with the international office. I emailed them for a time and my deadline is creeping up and i have nothing. I hate this.

And i just swallowed a huge wad of gum by accident.

So in a word i am: FRUSTRATED.

Bethany trying to be cute on Tim's foot. Yes, we named the statue.

This is the coolest statue i have come across yet.

David decided Time need his toes clipped.

Me and some of the girls being stupid and cramming (all seven of us) in one of the campus phone booths. I think u can see my beige arm.

Me on Tim's head.

The OU campus is so cute. And huge.

The ex-frat house that is now the meeting house for COC, in Okla.

Oklahoma

That is where i will be spending the weekend. I leave in a little less than an hour. Not the most terribly exciting place on earth, but i have never been there and i wanted to get away for the weekend. PLus it is virtually free. Granted it is only across the border and less than four hours, maybe just two? I dunno but i am going with Christians on Campus. They can be a little wierd in huge groups. I like my individual bible study aappointments every week but the group gathering freak me a bit.

I dunno why, they just do. They act a little wierd. But hopefully it won't be bad this time so we'll see when i get back yeah?

Wearing my glasses and contact. My vision is so distorted, i dunno when it is supposed to get better. Hmmn, give it a while they said. Ok.

See u when i get back.

Crappy Tuesdays turn into Contemplative Wednesdays

My Tuesday was so crappy. The whole thing, just completely crap. I had my radio show Monday and missed a cue or two which threw me way off so i was in a funk about that. I had forgotten my headphones so i had to borrow the ones from the equipment office and she said i needed to return them at ten the next morning. I had class and figured, ok maybe they'll fine me like ten bucks or something, afterall, they are just some crap headphones right? Wrong. I was three hours late and how about these people charged me $30. WTF? I was livind. Absolutely livid. So now i have a $30 bill on my school account and i can not borrow things from the equipment room until it's paid off and i need to borrow the cameras for my photography assignments. Damn it all to hell. I have the money but i am still so pissed that they would chrage me a $30 late fees for some $2 headphones that were three different varieties of shit anyway.

Excuse my french.

Then my photography class was crap as usual. This woman....i swear.....she is making me hate photography. Not only is she about as stimulating as a pot of boiled cabbage, but she is so darn Texan....i mean rrrreeeaaalllyy Texan. And she has had a bad thing to say about each of my photos so far. She gave me a 60 on my mugshot. How the hell do u get a 60 on a MUGSHOT?! The day was just long, i was in classes all day. I dunno what alternate universe i was dwelling in when i decided on my schedule but damn.

Ok, so Tuesday is over.

Today I had lunch again with....hmmn....i think we'll call him Chipmunk. Don't ask questions, just indulge me. So. The forecast is looking good, i think we are friends and nothing more. Personally i do not want anything more and since he seems to think every other female is dying to sleep with him, i figure he's preoccupied enough to see me as just a friend. I have enough complications with 'friendships' that i should have defined a long time ago. One such example is the Apartment guy. We were just hanging out, going to movies and such. I even paid for the two of us once (damn damn damn) just to make sure the line was clear. So we went out for a drink last night. That was my first mistake. It was fun, i was standoffish enough for it to be laid back and we had a nice enough time. Then he drops me off, and about an hour later, rings me up and asks if i had a good time. I said sure. He asked if i would be interested in going out on a date. Curses.

I thought i had sidestepped that one. So there's me again, Miss Can't bloody say no. I think i need a psychiatrist. Seriously, i have a problem. I said sure. Curses. He asked when. Said i'd let him know. Damn it all to bloody hell.

I know. But no, it doesn't stop there kids. No, no. That would be too simple and my life is anything but. So do you remember Shy Guy? Yes u do. From the archives of November or October 2004. Yeah, him. I called him.

Why? Because i am a moron. I was bored and called him. Thought, ok enough time has elapsed...it'll be safe. No it won't you dozy cow, because you never actually told him u were not interested in him the way he was in you. You hoped it would just go away. Brilliant move calling him then. So it was fine for like ten minutes. Now if u don't remember Shy Guy, he was the one with emotional issues and he attached himself quite quickly and fastly to me for some reason. Everytime we spoke i always felt i should have him lay down and i should be taking notes. I indulged him. I indulge everybody.

So when i called him (and i believe that was on Monday night) he talked casual for ten minutes and then jumped right into it. Asked me why we never hooked up and if it was him. What the devil do u say to that? I said no it wasn't him. There is that chronic niceness slowly screwing me up the bum. I walked right into the trap with my eyes wide open. How dozy can one person be?

He practically declared his love for me. I am not exaggerrating. I swear he said no other girl made him feel the way i do, that i saw him for who he really was (what?) and that i was genuine. Lawd take me now.

He said he would always feel this way for me and for no one else and that he would do anything to be with me. Anything and that he thought that it would still work even though we have 2000 lovely miles between us. And i let the poor bloke think i had some sort of emotional constipation and could not let someone in and all that crap people say when they are waffling. Basically not coming out and telling him point blank i liked him very much....AS A FRIEND. And he's a persistant little bastard too.

Damn it all to flipping hell i say.

So fun times. Fun times.

AND.... still haven't heard from Bigg. That little incident that took place on the phone several entries ago, even though i did not mention it was Bigg then but it was. I feel like such a dizzy cow for doing that. I do not have feelings for him anymore but i suppose i was looking for the validation i never got when i did have feelings for him. To be honest i do not think i could even just be friends with him anymore. I feel that relationship draining me each time i talk to him so we could not be friends because i am slowly realizing i never actually liked him as a person but rather i liked the illusion i created of him when i decided i was going to have a crush on him.

AND............ I haven't heard from D.C. (a.k.a. Peanut) in about six weeks. That IS what i wanted, but he doesn't seem fazed in the least. That horrible thing that happened when i went over there (Archived under entry: Explicit from November or somewhere there 2005) was a stupid mistake and erased from my memory supposedly. But still I wanted my silence to faze him. I wanted to ignore him, actively. Not have him have hom be ok with my silence and forget i was a small, insignificant part of his world. Pah. I am no longer in his world and i am shoving the memory of him out of mine. That sounds so hostile and very unhealthy. Frier said i should tell him how shitty he made me feel about myself. I know that is the right thing to do and suppression will only be cancerous to my emotional well being.....but dammit i want to be the winner for once. I know if i tell him off, my chronic need to please and placate and make sure everyone else is happy even if i'm not will take over, i will end up apologizing for miscalculating the whole situation and letting myself get caught up in my feelings and my lust for him to be mine and i will hang up feeling like the deluded moron i will have become again.

So i am trying to ignore the past. Stupid, i know but i am too proud (or is it scared?) to do anything about it.

Open to suggestions.

Intense

my hair before.

my hair after.

The only times being a black woman sucks

Lawd take me now!

I just spent the day getting my hair done. No, you misread that....i said i just SPENT THE DAY getting my HAIR done. And i'm not talking braids either....oh no. I'm talking getting it pressed. I went in at 2 and got out at 6:30 and spent some Asian child's entire month's tuition at elementary school doing it too. These are the only time being a black woman sucks big time. And to add to that i am of the pure African variety. So no mixed blood to thin out and prettify my hair. No Indian, Asian, Arab or white in me. Just pure African bush kink. Don't believe me? Look at the picture above and explain to me what kind of mess that is.

It was coiled up so tight that when my hairdresser finally managed to straighten that mess, it was three times as long as it had looked. She broke a comb in my hair. I'm not lying. Before the press it felt like mattress springs. No, it is soft, my hair has always been really soft, but you could bounce a quarter off of it and i promise you you wouldn't find it.

Let me school you on the art of black women's hair. First of all, power to the weave and braids. Much respect. Second, without chemicals...you are fighting a losing battle uphill. I decided to chuck chemicals a year ago. I have been chemical free since November 2004. I figured chemicals were killing my hair which was thinning at alarming rates and falling out. I was forever in braids and when i took them down i got it relaxed and then it was straight back into braids. So all that was doing my hair no good. Seeing as though i can not stand my hair, i am still all about braids. So, to cut down on breakage i went natural. I look like that guy off the movie "The gods Must Be Crazy" when it's natural. And you cannot comb it at all, hence my hairdresser breaking her comb in my hair.

Then the salon process. You make an appointment for 2 and you have to figure four other clients getting their hair done by your dresser at the same bloody time. So she washes you and puts you in the dryer, then gets back to setting someone's hair to put them under the dryer and then she's cutting some man's hair and starting a relaxer on a little girl and going back and forth and back and forth. So you spend the entire day there and you do a lot of waiting. One lady fell asleep in the dryer with some purple gunk in her hair and stained the wall.

But it's straight now (Thank You Jesus) and i have to keep it away from moisture the whole week till my roommate can braid it on Friday. That means i have to be careful not to sweat too much during aerobics everyday and have to wear a shower cap in the shower and make sure steam doesn't creep up in there. Do you see how my life is?

And what really stung was the bill at the end of the day. After all that when i saw the bill....it honestly hurt my soul. My spirit broke and i nearly choked on my heart. And it still hurts right now. And to think i have to spend exhorbitant amounts this week on the hair i need to get braided in. Being a black woman takes a lot of stength, patience and money. And i am running out of all three of those.

Email to Ru

You know, I woke up this morning and my best friend and I were estranged. It happened while life was distracting us, but there I was, halfway around the world from her and I didn’t even know her anymore. I tried to figure out why I had been best friends with her to begin with. I couldn’t. Not because we weren’t. But because it was one of those things that cannot be proved or disproved by science. I believe in soul mates, you know? I recently read a blog entry dealing with soul mates and I suppose it got me thinking. I believe that everyone has a soul mate. But I also believe that everyone has one soul mate for romantic love and another one for love undefined.

I don’t know if I was so anxious for a best friend that I was too cavalier in my acceptance of her in that role. I thought we could have that connection. I know they say that you can’t pick your family but you are somewhat redeemed because you can pick your friends but I dunno that that is true. I think that maybe, just maybe you don’t pick your friends but you are connected somehow. Now, not all friends are meant to be and certainly not all of them are worthwhile. Believe me, I know this full well. But there are some that you meet and your spirits touch. When you are planning your life and looking ahead to your forever, you see them there, no question. You know that they are there to stay. That is how I thought I felt. I love her despite myself. I care who she dates and what she wears and what her relationship with God is. I get upset when I hear about the wonderful things she does with her ‘other’ friends because she’s not doing them with me. I am salved by the knowledge that someone out there actually gives a damn that I have trouble with relationships, and that someone understands that I have serious self esteem issues and that I really am fishing when I pretend not to be.

SO where does that leave us? I thought we were forever. I know I sound incredibly sappy and perhaps I am blowing things way out of proportion like I am apt to do. Maybe I think too much. And maybe I sound too much like a Lifetime Movie. But what I do know is that I miss you. Not just the superficial things like spending hours outside my gate or your gate talking about nothing or taking the bus home together or swapping sad stories about guys we wanted but could never have, but the fact that we know things about each other no one else does. That though we get annoyed with each other and may not have the opportunity to talk every week or every month even, that we are still soul mates. Why do I call you my best friend? Because I need you to be that for me. And I need even more to be that for you.

I’ve lost my soul mate through distance, time and life’s distractions. I just wanted to tell you I think about you still. I didn’t choose you, you didn’t choose me. Perhaps it’s all one sided and I am just out of my mind. But I miss my best friend and though I am embarrassed and scared to let you know all of this because it is what I feel in the vaults of my emotions, who else would I tell? I don’t want to be estranged and not know you anymore. I want to still be your best friend, cause you’re still mine.

Special

Hey J
It's been a long time sinceI've seen you last
A half and twenty-six years
(My time is fast)

I'm well
Though I've gone through
Some deep changes in my life
It has been easy
Oh no not for me
It's been difficult at times
Sometimes I'd sit down and cry
Ask God oh why
(Fair... what is?)

I know how you're feelin'
Same thing I did deal with
Ya not as alone
As you may feel
You see but oh
It catches up to us fast
We have to deal with our past
I know it's painful but
There you'll find specialness
'Cause everybody needs to feel real special

We need to remember
The love lies deep within ourselves
We have to want it so
It starts with us and no one else
We must learn
We're all born with specialness inside of us

I have the need
To feel real special too

You see you can't run away from your pain
Because wherever you run there will be
You have to learn to water your spiritual garden
Then you will be freeI know how you're feelin'
Same thing I did deal with

Ya not as alone
As you may feel
You see but oh
It catches up to us fast
We have to deal with our past
I know it's painful but
There you'll find specialness
'Cause everybody needs to feel real special

We need to remember
The love lies deep within ourselves
We have to want it soIt starts with us and no one else
We must learn
We're all born with specialness inside of us

I have the need
To feel real special too

-Janet