F*ck!!! F*ck it all!! F*ckety F*ck F*cking F*CK! I hate this. i HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS!!!
Why the F*CK would i be given these feelings if i am going to be hurt all the F*CKING TIME? I hate it. F*ck it all to f*cking HELL!
F*ck me. It's my own fault. I couldn't stop it and now the discomfort is so frustrating. I am torn between smashing my head against a wall and crying my eyes out. I hate me because both are so stupid. All of this is so F*CKING STUPID!!
why do you do this to me? You're meant to protect me, you didn't. God, you didn't. I don't want to learn this lesson, why can't you just tell me the lesson? why must i have to go through it? You didn't go through exactly this did you? Did you? I don't know. Help me please!!!!! HELP ME PLEASE! Why do i have to feel so bad?!!! WHY?
Tell me how to fix it. I am desperate to fix it. I want these feelings to go away. You see my tears, you know my heart. Why didn't you prevent this from happening? Why did you have to give me free will? I don't understand you. I want to, but i don't. I DO NOT GET YOU!!!!!! Help me understand. Help me get past this. Help me. please.
Tuesday, October 25
Tuesday, October 11
Where I want to be
I went to D.C. this weekend. On a whim. He'd been bugging me all week to come since he had Monday off for Columbus day. I refused. Then Friday at 2 p.m. I decided to go. I jumped on a 4:15 p.m. flight and I was off.
8 p.m. I arrived, he was on his way to get me. Half an hour later we were standing by his car hugging like long lost relatives or something. I was glad I had gone. I was like a kid looking out the window at what was once so familiar to me. I was enamored with my former home. I have missed D.C. more than I could have thought. This weekend proved it again. It had bee at least five or six years since I was there. And it all came flooding back to me and the nostalgia was overwhelming.
I do not like the South. I thought maybe it was the fact that I was in rural GA and then rushed to Arlington and did not have enough time to adjust. No, it is the atmosphere. I can not handle the South, it is so out of my element. I need to be up north. The pace of life is where I need it to be. The vibe is what makes me feel alive. I have felt dead the past two or so years. I felt alive again this weekend. I felt a connection. The South has really sweet people but the pace of life is far too slow. My sense of adventure seems retarded by the pace. Everything is so spaced out, no one really just does stuff. Everything is planned, you have to drive everywhere, there isn't that ambiance that comes with a pedestrian trafficked society. The feel of a real city.
D.C. opened up my eyes. I want to move back. I am going to discuss continuing my education up there with my parents. I need to be there for my well being. I can't take life down here anymore.
It was almost the perfect weekend. He picked me up. He took me to his place. I love it. Townhouse, like a real house. Nice and bachelor like. His room was a study in all things disorganized. It was a disaster zone. I had to clean it, it was pretty bad, he was a bit embarrassed that he hadn't had time to clean up before I came but I told him it was ok, my brother lives like that so it isn't something I have not seen before. It wasn't like he had rats the size of guinea pigs lounging on his bed and feeding on mold, just a bunch of clothes strewn everywhere.
He was wearing his glasses as he drove. You know how sexy Malcolm X looked in glasses? Well, he did. Anyway, he looked that sexy to me. It was all I could do to keep my hands to myself as he drove.
It was a little late when I got there. He made me a quick dinner, Stoeffer's I think. I hadn't eaten since Thursday so mud would have been gourmet for me. We ate and just chilled. We went to his room and watched a movie and fell asleep together.
Of coarse he's a med student. He has a gazillion things to study all the time. So Saturday morning he studied and I did some work on my laptop. We were in the lounge. He was on the floor sitting at his coffee table, studying notes off his super cool laptop, I am too jealous I need a new one now. His is touchscreen, he can write on the screen and swivel the monitor and stuff. Super cool. I was sitting on the couch directly behind him, working on my Dell which looks a bit silly now compared to his. He would periodically turn around, lean up, grab my chin and kiss me and then get back to his work. We worked until about two in the afternoon.
We went up to his room to get ready to go out. We were planning on going to the Spy Museum (his idea, I was excited though it seemed really cool) and I was going to take him sightseeing, he doesn't have time and since I used to live there I knew all the places to go, and then we were going to have some dinner, go watch a movie and possibly go out later that night too. We meant to just get ready when we went upstairs at 2.
So we left the house at 5 p.m. Drove around lost for a bit, I really had no clue where the Spy Museum was, never been there before. We asked around, and got there around 6p.m. In D.C. you park somewhere and walk a ways to your destination. But it was the coolest thing ever. It was drizzling, so it was overcast and the city lights glittered around us. D.C. architecture is absolutely phenomenal. The buildings downtown, and all around town are so pretty. They are classic movies scenes. There are Starbuck's in these old looking buildings with apartments above them, the streets are sort of narrow, the road system is frustrating to the driver but so 'busy-city' like. I love it.
We looked like we were in a movie. With a light drizzle and wind. Me in my favourite boots and a chic leather jacket with black turtleneck, him in a gorgeous button down orange-brown shirt with his sexy glasses on top of his head. We walked with my arm looped in his really muscular arm. Up and down streets, stopping at red lights and laughing and joking. We were the classic sophisticated black couple to the outside eye, if I do brag on myself. It was out of this world. We passed by little cafes, restaurants with interesting names, art galleries and theatres.
We made it to the Spy Museum only to find out they were sold out because it was a holiday weekend. Columbus Day. I was upset, I am sure he really was cuz he had been so excited. It looked so cool but we couldn't go. So we walked up and down the streets looking for somewhere to have dinner. We tried Hard Rock but it was booked for a private party. We tried The Blue Banana, and several other classy looking places. Apparently Paul McCartney was giving a concert in town that night so everyone was out and most of the places we went to said it would be at least a half hour wait. We went to about a dozen or more restaurants, having fun the entire time, laughing and joking in the streets. I am sure people worried for us.
Finally we saw a Subway around the block. We just looked at each other, and walked in and had dinner there. It was relatively quiet, so we had that intimacy factor. Over sandwiches. It couldn't have been better.
I told him I was going to take him to an art gallery and make him appreciate art. He resisted but I persisted and we went to a small gallery on Pennsylvania Avenue. We walked around looking at art and sculptures. He decided maybe it was cool afterall. Ha.
Then I suggested we go to see the Capitol and the Washington Monument and the mall area in between them. He thought I meant a shopping mall, I meant the grassy nole, or park between the Monument and the Capitol. I remembered my family used to go there all the time and it was one of my favourite places. And it looked especially beautiful at night. So we went and parked a few blocks from the Capitol and walked for about eight blocks to the mall. There was a free concert going on, a Christian band, I am pretty sure it was TobyMac. We saw the Capitol in it's beauty and took pictures and stayed at the concert for a little bit. Then we walked the length of the mall, which is pretty long.
There were puddles and it was chilly but the atmosphere could not have been better. I still had my arm in his. We got to the Monument and took a picture, I'll post that when I get it developed. It was windy and with all the American flags surrounding the Monument it looked awesome. You gt a virtual view of D.C. from there. In the entire circle of the Monument you see the Lincoln Memorial lit up, you see gorgeous views of the city and the Capitol. It was all so breathtaking. I had a great time. He loved it and said he had never thought to go there. I was proud of myself.
From there we walked back, my feet were killing me, them damn boots look good but are not for long treks so I was feeling the hurt. I could tell he was cold Yet it was still really nice. We drove over to the MCI center and caught a late movie "Two for the Money" the new Al Pacino, Matthew McConohay (yeah no clue how to spell his name so this is a lesson in phonics) flick. It's about gambling, it's really good and he really liked it. At one point, after we bought our tickets I was not paying attention, just following him and reading a poster and I dunno where his mind was but we tried to go up the down escalator. It was the most demented sight. I fell over laughing, we looked like such bloody tossers!
After the movie he got me a Haagen Daaz Rasberry sorbet. OK, we need a moment of silence for that one. It is the most orgasmic ice cream flavour to me on the planet. He knew this. I told him I was not in the mood for ice cream but he got it anyway. It was so delish! Yummy! Yeah I ate it. He hated it, but I love it! I was having my moment with my ice cream yo. So good.
We decided against going out, I had an early flight back the next morning. I was sad to leave. I had had the perfect weekend. We got back to his place and changed for bed and turned on the TV. Ya. We spooned and just lay there, with his arms around my body and him kissing my shoulder and telling me how delicious I smelled. It felt so comfortable. He thought I was sleeping and was sort of dozing himself, but not quite.
It's funny how life works.
He drove me to the airport the next day. He thanked me for coming down. Said he hadn't had such a good weekend since he'd moved to D.C. That he really appreciated me being with him and that he wanted to be friends for always. He hugged me for about ten minutes, literally. We kissed. Classic movie moment. Then I got on my plane and went back to Dallas.
8 p.m. I arrived, he was on his way to get me. Half an hour later we were standing by his car hugging like long lost relatives or something. I was glad I had gone. I was like a kid looking out the window at what was once so familiar to me. I was enamored with my former home. I have missed D.C. more than I could have thought. This weekend proved it again. It had bee at least five or six years since I was there. And it all came flooding back to me and the nostalgia was overwhelming.
I do not like the South. I thought maybe it was the fact that I was in rural GA and then rushed to Arlington and did not have enough time to adjust. No, it is the atmosphere. I can not handle the South, it is so out of my element. I need to be up north. The pace of life is where I need it to be. The vibe is what makes me feel alive. I have felt dead the past two or so years. I felt alive again this weekend. I felt a connection. The South has really sweet people but the pace of life is far too slow. My sense of adventure seems retarded by the pace. Everything is so spaced out, no one really just does stuff. Everything is planned, you have to drive everywhere, there isn't that ambiance that comes with a pedestrian trafficked society. The feel of a real city.
D.C. opened up my eyes. I want to move back. I am going to discuss continuing my education up there with my parents. I need to be there for my well being. I can't take life down here anymore.
It was almost the perfect weekend. He picked me up. He took me to his place. I love it. Townhouse, like a real house. Nice and bachelor like. His room was a study in all things disorganized. It was a disaster zone. I had to clean it, it was pretty bad, he was a bit embarrassed that he hadn't had time to clean up before I came but I told him it was ok, my brother lives like that so it isn't something I have not seen before. It wasn't like he had rats the size of guinea pigs lounging on his bed and feeding on mold, just a bunch of clothes strewn everywhere.
He was wearing his glasses as he drove. You know how sexy Malcolm X looked in glasses? Well, he did. Anyway, he looked that sexy to me. It was all I could do to keep my hands to myself as he drove.
It was a little late when I got there. He made me a quick dinner, Stoeffer's I think. I hadn't eaten since Thursday so mud would have been gourmet for me. We ate and just chilled. We went to his room and watched a movie and fell asleep together.
Of coarse he's a med student. He has a gazillion things to study all the time. So Saturday morning he studied and I did some work on my laptop. We were in the lounge. He was on the floor sitting at his coffee table, studying notes off his super cool laptop, I am too jealous I need a new one now. His is touchscreen, he can write on the screen and swivel the monitor and stuff. Super cool. I was sitting on the couch directly behind him, working on my Dell which looks a bit silly now compared to his. He would periodically turn around, lean up, grab my chin and kiss me and then get back to his work. We worked until about two in the afternoon.
We went up to his room to get ready to go out. We were planning on going to the Spy Museum (his idea, I was excited though it seemed really cool) and I was going to take him sightseeing, he doesn't have time and since I used to live there I knew all the places to go, and then we were going to have some dinner, go watch a movie and possibly go out later that night too. We meant to just get ready when we went upstairs at 2.
So we left the house at 5 p.m. Drove around lost for a bit, I really had no clue where the Spy Museum was, never been there before. We asked around, and got there around 6p.m. In D.C. you park somewhere and walk a ways to your destination. But it was the coolest thing ever. It was drizzling, so it was overcast and the city lights glittered around us. D.C. architecture is absolutely phenomenal. The buildings downtown, and all around town are so pretty. They are classic movies scenes. There are Starbuck's in these old looking buildings with apartments above them, the streets are sort of narrow, the road system is frustrating to the driver but so 'busy-city' like. I love it.
We looked like we were in a movie. With a light drizzle and wind. Me in my favourite boots and a chic leather jacket with black turtleneck, him in a gorgeous button down orange-brown shirt with his sexy glasses on top of his head. We walked with my arm looped in his really muscular arm. Up and down streets, stopping at red lights and laughing and joking. We were the classic sophisticated black couple to the outside eye, if I do brag on myself. It was out of this world. We passed by little cafes, restaurants with interesting names, art galleries and theatres.
We made it to the Spy Museum only to find out they were sold out because it was a holiday weekend. Columbus Day. I was upset, I am sure he really was cuz he had been so excited. It looked so cool but we couldn't go. So we walked up and down the streets looking for somewhere to have dinner. We tried Hard Rock but it was booked for a private party. We tried The Blue Banana, and several other classy looking places. Apparently Paul McCartney was giving a concert in town that night so everyone was out and most of the places we went to said it would be at least a half hour wait. We went to about a dozen or more restaurants, having fun the entire time, laughing and joking in the streets. I am sure people worried for us.
Finally we saw a Subway around the block. We just looked at each other, and walked in and had dinner there. It was relatively quiet, so we had that intimacy factor. Over sandwiches. It couldn't have been better.
I told him I was going to take him to an art gallery and make him appreciate art. He resisted but I persisted and we went to a small gallery on Pennsylvania Avenue. We walked around looking at art and sculptures. He decided maybe it was cool afterall. Ha.
Then I suggested we go to see the Capitol and the Washington Monument and the mall area in between them. He thought I meant a shopping mall, I meant the grassy nole, or park between the Monument and the Capitol. I remembered my family used to go there all the time and it was one of my favourite places. And it looked especially beautiful at night. So we went and parked a few blocks from the Capitol and walked for about eight blocks to the mall. There was a free concert going on, a Christian band, I am pretty sure it was TobyMac. We saw the Capitol in it's beauty and took pictures and stayed at the concert for a little bit. Then we walked the length of the mall, which is pretty long.
There were puddles and it was chilly but the atmosphere could not have been better. I still had my arm in his. We got to the Monument and took a picture, I'll post that when I get it developed. It was windy and with all the American flags surrounding the Monument it looked awesome. You gt a virtual view of D.C. from there. In the entire circle of the Monument you see the Lincoln Memorial lit up, you see gorgeous views of the city and the Capitol. It was all so breathtaking. I had a great time. He loved it and said he had never thought to go there. I was proud of myself.
From there we walked back, my feet were killing me, them damn boots look good but are not for long treks so I was feeling the hurt. I could tell he was cold Yet it was still really nice. We drove over to the MCI center and caught a late movie "Two for the Money" the new Al Pacino, Matthew McConohay (yeah no clue how to spell his name so this is a lesson in phonics) flick. It's about gambling, it's really good and he really liked it. At one point, after we bought our tickets I was not paying attention, just following him and reading a poster and I dunno where his mind was but we tried to go up the down escalator. It was the most demented sight. I fell over laughing, we looked like such bloody tossers!
After the movie he got me a Haagen Daaz Rasberry sorbet. OK, we need a moment of silence for that one. It is the most orgasmic ice cream flavour to me on the planet. He knew this. I told him I was not in the mood for ice cream but he got it anyway. It was so delish! Yummy! Yeah I ate it. He hated it, but I love it! I was having my moment with my ice cream yo. So good.
We decided against going out, I had an early flight back the next morning. I was sad to leave. I had had the perfect weekend. We got back to his place and changed for bed and turned on the TV. Ya. We spooned and just lay there, with his arms around my body and him kissing my shoulder and telling me how delicious I smelled. It felt so comfortable. He thought I was sleeping and was sort of dozing himself, but not quite.
It's funny how life works.
He drove me to the airport the next day. He thanked me for coming down. Said he hadn't had such a good weekend since he'd moved to D.C. That he really appreciated me being with him and that he wanted to be friends for always. He hugged me for about ten minutes, literally. We kissed. Classic movie moment. Then I got on my plane and went back to Dallas.
Monday, October 10
Dreams in a Pale Blue
I have to move on. My hurt from my aunt is deep, relentless. But I can not retreat from the world long. And in essence I have manage to continue with life, it didn't end although I believe it is in it's last stages.
I have been watching the world events with a wary eye. Natural disasters? No. Supernatural disasters. All documented in biblical texts. It's happening. As much as we might want to ignore or pretend that it is crazy talk, somewhere deep down everyone is watching the world and their spirits are squirming because we can feel it. It's happening in our lifetime. It's about to get serious, where is our faith?
I am scared. I do not want to be left behind. I do not want to have to suffer through what I know will come. I am not right with God. I have fallen away. I have lost touch with my soul's only love in the name of feeling human love which I know is so inferior but my body won over my spirit. I let it happen and now I am scrambling to get back on track and I am worried.
A friend of mine once said he liked that my faith in God was not overt, but a gentle backdrop in my life. I was so disappointed by that. I can not have God anywhere in the backdrop, that is where I belong. I need to sound like a madwoman, like I am sure I do now. I need to do all I can to tell people what I have been told. To let them know that it is not a joke, not negotiable and that you can no longer put it off because it is sneaking up on you.
I have justified fornication, homosexuality, religious laxness, a woman's place, God's importance and neglect of your spirit. I have changed so much in the last two or three years, and for the worst. Yes I love my family, my friends, myself. But just because I love all those people, I have to be brutally honest. Fornication is not ok. Forgivable, yes but it sets you back ten years. Homosexuality is wrong. Forgivable, definately, but not right. God did not make you that way, somewhere down the line His purpose got twisted. You can not go through life dabbling in other people's religions because they are just pulling you away from the truth. Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, self worship, kabballa (however you spell that) and all these other religions are all twisted lies.
I dunno why I am off on this tangent, but I see myself as being so unprepared and I dunno what to do to keep from panicking. I love my God. I live to serve him but for a long time these have just been words. People hide behind their refusal to sacrifice themselves wholly for Him and justify their actions and claim they can not change the way they are. They simply choose not to. God demands all of you. That means dying to yourself. Everything that you think is ok with you, everything that you think is inherently a part of you that you believe you cannot change or that your think is too late to change.....It is possible. Die completely and do things that go against the very nature of your body and soul and only then will your spirit be able to commune with the Spirit of God.
I am not attacking, although to the average person who does not want to hear the truth that is what it sounds like. I am no spiritual guru, I do not presume to know God in His fullness or claim to live right. I am just a student. I am trying to figure out my God, because from this end He seems so confusing, but only because I have been looking through my eyes and not His. It sounds nuts, I know but I love God and I want all my loved ones to love Him too. I see my aunt's life and I see her dedication and that her life, at the end of it all seemed to have it's purpose. And I realize that sooner than not I am going to be alone with Him and all the excuses I have been feeding my mind will not work anymore.
So. I guess I am trying to say that I have reached yet another crossroads and I may have just chosen the hard path that will ostracize my friends, some family and the parts of me I have gotten so used to. But I am willing to sacrifice it all for Him. I am convicted. Hmmn. How very random. But it makes sense to me.
I have been watching the world events with a wary eye. Natural disasters? No. Supernatural disasters. All documented in biblical texts. It's happening. As much as we might want to ignore or pretend that it is crazy talk, somewhere deep down everyone is watching the world and their spirits are squirming because we can feel it. It's happening in our lifetime. It's about to get serious, where is our faith?
I am scared. I do not want to be left behind. I do not want to have to suffer through what I know will come. I am not right with God. I have fallen away. I have lost touch with my soul's only love in the name of feeling human love which I know is so inferior but my body won over my spirit. I let it happen and now I am scrambling to get back on track and I am worried.
A friend of mine once said he liked that my faith in God was not overt, but a gentle backdrop in my life. I was so disappointed by that. I can not have God anywhere in the backdrop, that is where I belong. I need to sound like a madwoman, like I am sure I do now. I need to do all I can to tell people what I have been told. To let them know that it is not a joke, not negotiable and that you can no longer put it off because it is sneaking up on you.
I have justified fornication, homosexuality, religious laxness, a woman's place, God's importance and neglect of your spirit. I have changed so much in the last two or three years, and for the worst. Yes I love my family, my friends, myself. But just because I love all those people, I have to be brutally honest. Fornication is not ok. Forgivable, yes but it sets you back ten years. Homosexuality is wrong. Forgivable, definately, but not right. God did not make you that way, somewhere down the line His purpose got twisted. You can not go through life dabbling in other people's religions because they are just pulling you away from the truth. Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, self worship, kabballa (however you spell that) and all these other religions are all twisted lies.
I dunno why I am off on this tangent, but I see myself as being so unprepared and I dunno what to do to keep from panicking. I love my God. I live to serve him but for a long time these have just been words. People hide behind their refusal to sacrifice themselves wholly for Him and justify their actions and claim they can not change the way they are. They simply choose not to. God demands all of you. That means dying to yourself. Everything that you think is ok with you, everything that you think is inherently a part of you that you believe you cannot change or that your think is too late to change.....It is possible. Die completely and do things that go against the very nature of your body and soul and only then will your spirit be able to commune with the Spirit of God.
I am not attacking, although to the average person who does not want to hear the truth that is what it sounds like. I am no spiritual guru, I do not presume to know God in His fullness or claim to live right. I am just a student. I am trying to figure out my God, because from this end He seems so confusing, but only because I have been looking through my eyes and not His. It sounds nuts, I know but I love God and I want all my loved ones to love Him too. I see my aunt's life and I see her dedication and that her life, at the end of it all seemed to have it's purpose. And I realize that sooner than not I am going to be alone with Him and all the excuses I have been feeding my mind will not work anymore.
So. I guess I am trying to say that I have reached yet another crossroads and I may have just chosen the hard path that will ostracize my friends, some family and the parts of me I have gotten so used to. But I am willing to sacrifice it all for Him. I am convicted. Hmmn. How very random. But it makes sense to me.
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