Just went to some butthole town an hour away with red cuz she wanted someone to ride with. She had to pick up some shoes and as it turns out I bought a new pair. I know. I'm useless. In my defense I really don't have shoes so it was necessary.
So I know that hanging out with red annoys me after a while and yet I still am that ever-hungry glutton for punishment, excuse the horrible cliche. So in the two hours and some change I spent with the girl.....doing her a damn favour....she got on my nerves. Joking but unaware of her own ignorance. Her stepdad is South African and the racist son-of-a-witch doesn't even know me but hates me because "I killed his people." Blasted lunatic. He has his facts screwed up. White South Africans like him are not human beings, they are the devil's minions. They are the ones that kill black Africans, the true owners of the damn continent. And for him to have the audacity to say that the few white farmers who have been killed over political unrest over land rights (land that they stole and capitalize on) in any way compares to the thousands of lives lost when their racist asses showed up in the first place is a slap in the face. Bloody ignorant fool. I realize that my generalizations put me in the lower level of thinking he seems to have made his dwelling place intellectually and that I come off as racist in turn, but I am agitated and strongly suggest those who read this, bear that in mind and let me rant for a second before I can be classy and objective once again.
So she felt the need to inform me of this and basically put me and my People down. She said she disagrees with him, laughed a little and said "...but I still luv you." Hmmn. K. I let that one go. For the sake of not getting ugly. Speaking of ugly. She then psuedo-subtly calls me ugly and coupled with her constant reference to me being 'scrawny' is not only irritating but offensive. She cannot be so stupid as to think I am flattered by such a statement. Scrawny is just not one of those words that makes you blush you know? I do believe there might be an ounce of malice there. Little things like this are an every meeting occurrence and yet I put up with it. I do not know why. Her friendship is truly not vital to my well being in the least and I am sorry if that sounds bad, I don't mean to sound so cold. I like certain things about the girl and at times we seem to click. But when is the proverbial line drawn? Does that make me a doormat for all the people I interact with? Case and point, she is a subset of the bigger picture. Could it be that my inability to befriend people who are beneficial to me emotionally is the root of my relationship angst? If so, how does one fix that?
1 comment:
sam...please...you don't need to hang around anyone that is going to make you feel this way...friends should not even make you question the things they say. please. you are beautiful...in fact, I was going through some pictures on the computer the other day and I cam across you and i though about your beauty. honestly. you luminate. it was the picture of you in the journalism room window. you were magnificant. i was taken back. you are so flavorful...i don't know if that makes sense...i wanted to say ethnic...not sure if that is the right word...your style is very rooted in your upbringing...the jewelry...the hats...the i don't know...i love it...all of it. your lips...my gosh...they make me want to kiss them...and i am gay for pete's sake. don't let anyone make you feel any less than gorgeous, because sweetness that is just what you are. plain and simple.
i must confess. i miss you. i miss being in the room with you while you sit there and never say a word. there is something about you that is comfortable for me...not sure whether it is your on again off again accent of you occasional smile...your sincere laugh or the fact that you realize the value of silence.
i can't wait to see you again and give you a big welcome back hug. i think i give good hugs. i love the way you talk about God too. it makes me a little misty. really. i think you embody the sincere form of spirituality that i admire in people. it is personal and self convicting. it serves its purpose in your life. i sometimes wish i could find that for myself. maybe one day.
please continue to be the sweetheart that you are...inspite of your outburst and rants...you're only human though...so they're allowed. can't wait to talk to you in person. i saw that you called my house...sorry i missed you. peace my dear.
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