mental masturbations

A phrase i learned from Frier. When you conjure up things in your mind that are not necessarily the real thing but bring you temporary pleasure and at times you can't help doing it. It's still not healthy though. Ok, that may be my own interpretation of it.

just spoke to Peanut. He said he wants to see me. Wants to watch movies with me, chill with me, kiss me. Because he enjoys doing those things. i've missed him. open to interpretation.

i have been missing something. For a long time now. I have realised quite stupidly that i have been missing God in my life. I have been missing Him being central. i'm truly scared. i have messed up so badly. so badly. i dunno how to even approach the issue. i have balled up into a fetal position with my hands over my head and crammed myself into a soft, comforting place. i just realised it was in His chest. i've been hiding from Him against His chest and didn't even realise it. that is why i have been in a constant emotional funk.

Bigg crept up into my mind again. i think i am going slightly mad. how do i get closure? please tell me.

the cost for the fleeting minute of bliss brought on by mental masturbation is a sinking feeling of extreme emptiness. like self-induced rape.

i am completely open to suggestions at this point.