Friday

Glimmer of hope with my aunt. i do not think i have written much about her condition for personal reasons. I tend to shy away from painful thoughts like that so i bury them. In any event i will say that there is a glimmer of hope and i really truly pray God pulls through. What little faith i have, of coarse He will, He always does. He's been faithful to me when i was spitting in His face. I am so lost in spiritual limbo, i feel like i will never be close to Him. I want so desperately to be close to Him but i feel hindered and i hate it. I find it hard to pray these days. I find it hard to concentrate on Him but i so want to. I need Him.

B called me last night. I dunno where that is going. I mean, we will talk, but there is no real depth to it. I mean we talk about important things and about personal things, but i don't feel us progressing into anything. Perhaps i am just impatient. I should give it time. We did.......play however. Over the phone. How gross. I don't really like it but i like him. A lot. Why? I dunno. I want him to be happy. I know that sounds like i am compromising myself, but then again he never forces me to do anything i don't want. I just feel hypocritical all the time, like i am living the opposite of what i claim. I am a virgin and i am celibate.....till marriage. But i am also human. I do not like when the human in me overpowers the spiritual being i truly am because then i am truly compromising myself for something that is fleeting, shallow and not worthwhile. And i feel if i do not put boundaries now, in my head, then when i am confronted with the real thing i will not have the discipline to stop or say no. And that terrifies me.

Proverbs says that a man who keeps bad company will become like them. I am not saying my friends are bad company by any means, but quite honestly, they are not edifying to my spirit. They do not believe the same things i do and though that is fine and has nothing to do with our friendship, it also hinders what i am striving to be. But at the same time Jesus hung out with dubious people....but i am not as strong as He is. He was an influence to his friends. I do not think i nfluence my friends to turn towards God because when i am with them, i blend. I do not want to be a fanatical crazee that they try to hide from all the time, but i would like once to witness to them and feel like......i dunno. I do not agree with most of my friends' beliefs and/or practices, but i love them dearly. E, P and J all have sex with their men. That is their perogative and it doesn't make them any less Christian, but it is just one way they compromise God at times. It is like they are insistent on driving and being in control and it is all about their rights and what they want to do and that is so not the right way to go. Migsy is gay and i believe that it is a tormenting thing, but at the same time i believe it is wrong too. I could never explain this to him and get through, but i love him dearly. I am torn. Although we say all sin is equal, it just seems some sins get more play than others and Migsy feels like people who believe his lifestyle is wrong do not know how it feels and how much of an inner struggle it is. He's right, we don't. I don't. But i know what my heart is convicted to believe. When i look at him or think of him, i do not see a sinner or a gay man. I see more than he'll ever know. I see the vulnerable, conflicted side of him that he tries so hard to hide from everyone...including himself. Why am i blessed with this pseudo-psycho x-ray vision into him? I dunno. I just am. I wish i could talk to him. I desperately want to but what would i say? I do not know how to explain the inexplicable. I pray for him all the time. And our friendship. I hope he never has to resent me. I do not resent him in the least.

And then there's me. I am not exactly a model Christian myself, i do things that are wrong daily. But i am striving. And i hope my friends are striving too. Despite everything. I suppose that is why i do not really feel close enough to any human soul to not feel so lonely all the time. The loneliness is all consuming sometimes. Like today. I was around people all day, but i felt like i was trapped on an island all by myself and though i could see help, it kept passing me by. The thing about being lost in loneliness is that you cannot get a map and find your way out of it. You have to be rescued. You have to be found. I am desperate for someone to find me.

This is the owner's manual for my relationships.

I'm bored at GCPA.

It's me in a journalism meeting.

It's me!

YA YA

So, i went. Pah. It was so sad. I really don't miss all that much by not getting out much apparently. The party was stupid, just a bunch of drunk black people smoking and grinding on the dancefloor to dumb music. i love black people but.....sometimes....damn. My people are a troubled people, i'm telling you! Yeah i saw Bigg there. The only reason he came to where i was was because one of his out-of-town friends was talking to E and then he looked at me and playfully slapped me twice and leaned in close so i could hear him over the music and said "So you decided to come out tonight huh?" That was it. Then he was gone. I dunno if that means he is no longer angry with me or what but i dunno if i really care anymore.

Today i went to Valdosta with Seward and Migs to see a play called "The Pyjama Game" It was cute, set in the 1950s or something, a musical no doubt. The actors were great, i always have mad respect for people who sing and act, i dunno, i suppose it is cuz i have always wanted to be talented in those fields myself, but it's never really worked out for me. I love watching plays and stuff so it was cool.

E had a slight run in with the campus cops. Of coarse she let her temper flare which isn't always clever, even with "toy cops" as she quaintly puts it. I wonder about that girl sometimes. I am going to get my hair done tomorrow by Amy's mom. I am worried. She is meant to do some crocheted afro thing and i have a bad feeling but i have already bought the hair so i think i will just have to suck it in.

I haven't spoken to B in two days and i miss him. Is that not just the most disgusting thing i have ever said in my life? Me? Missing a guy. Oh my goodness.... am i becoming a girl all of a sudden?

I AM A BAD BAD GIRL

I should be doing work right now but i figured a small little note to......well, no one actually reads this thing so, i guess a little note to nothingness and nobody, wouldn't hurt. I am having one of them days. I totally snapped at Bigg for no good reason. I have been in a funk all week and i dunno what has come over me but i am just being foul all over the show and i can't seem to stop. So i saw Bigg in the caf today. Ignored him and then when he spoke to me i completely bitched at him. Yeah, on these special days i am allowed to cuss a little. No i am not, i take it back. Sorry.

I called him while he was in class and apologized sincerely to his voicemail and told him to call me if he forgave me. He hasn't. i was such a jerk and i can not for the life of me tellu why. I did the same to Migsy yesterday, sort of. I just get these wierd waves of evil and i land in a funk and everything and everyone around me is just so irritating when in actuality i am the biggest irritation around.

On a lighter note Brent is cool. I love how he can make me laugh all the time. He just has this ability to make me laugh no matter what. I was messaging him while i was in bio class and he was on the bus on his way to NC for a few baseball games all weekend. He is so clever, which is what i like. And his humour is actually funny. I am still holding my breath for the catch. I have told everyone about him, as if we are actually dating or something. Hmmn. I think i may have counted my chickens before the eggs have hatched...or before....ah hell, i can't remember what the bloody saying is. I just dunno what to do with that one. The one thing i see being a snag is the whole sex thing. I do not want to lose my virginity to him but already i have gone further than i know i should. No, no nothing sinister, i am still....well.....me. But last time i spent the weekend with him, the only thing that kept me from crossing certain boundaries on the way to Orgasmoland was.....yes, well. We'll just assume we all know what i am talking about yeah? Anyway i doubt i will go too far in the next month and a half. I am off to Costa Rica this May, for the whole month and that is two weekends from now and i am not going to see him for a while. I wonder if he'll get bored with me and move on to the next. Who knows? Who cares? I do. Well, i care in any event. I am so lonely. Wow, that was the most pathetic statement of my life.

I have a "date" Saturday night. Shy Guy asked me out again and i said yes. Why not? I am not interested in him, but who knows? Maybe something might change. Besides, beggars have no right to be choosy. So we are going to see the new horror flick 'Amityville'. Fun. There's a lingirie party tomorrow night. E and P are going and J might too. I don't think i should. For one thing, Bigg will be there and i think i have permanently placed myself in his book of crazies-to-stay-the-hell-away-from. Plus, E will have her boy, P will have hers and J will too. I have nothing plus i am not like E, guys do not just feel convicted to move mountains to talk to me and i have nothing to wear. Can you see why i am so lonely? It's chronic and self-induced but i am trapped in it.

HELP ME SOMEONE. I NEED SO MUCH HELP.

flame

That's right boys and girls, i have a new flame. no not really but i have a guy......kinda sorta. I went back to Statesboro (i can never spell that right) this weekend and i spent it with B, essentially. I stayed at Pippa's....in theory but i spent most of my time with B. I was a little apprehensive because i am a telephone girlfriend. i mean i am cool over the phone but when it comes to real life, face to face situations, they tend to lose interest.....example: Bigg.

Anyway, anyway i digress. So i went to his game Saturday after spending most of the day at the open house at the university with P and L. It was bloody windy out there and i was convulsing so badly i looked epileptic. I'm sure those around me thought i was having some sort of seizure. It was a bloody long game. They won, but damn. So he came to me after the game and took me to dinner....we skipped the whole meet the dad thing....thank goodness. I think i would have been fne, but i did enjoy having him to myself for a while. So after dinner we rented THE VILLAGE (hmmmn...) and watched it in his apartment....in his room......on his bed. Ya.

I had my first real kiss....you know...the one that counts? It was absolutley delish. We made out. I mean hot and heavy. Ok, who the hell says that? Anyway, (she rolls her eyes) it was steamy and it got steamier and then it got really really hot. I mean he became the first person since my mother....who used to bathe me as a child..... to see me topless. Ya. Me. Topless. I know!!!!! We.....well in any event i had a very coming-of-age sort of night. No sex. But a lot went down. Not even oral sex cuz that's just gross (ya, so apparently i'm still like five years old).

Sunday he picked me up after his game and we hung out at his place and watched baseball (i dunno, don't ask me). We made out on his couch and then went to his room and made out some more. Then one thing led to another and.....kissing. Groping. Lotion. Hands. Naked man. Topless girl. Fun times. No sex again. Of course not, pah. I don't do the do. Not out of wedlock dahlings. But i didn't think i would do all that i did do. Even though we didn't do the do we did a lot to do with the do and it was dangerously close to doing the do but no one did anything or anyone.

Now we are cool and comfortable but the cynic in me is waiting to see what transpires and whether or not i should brace myself for another disappointment. Let's don't do this to ourselves. Oh but we must. Pah. Ok i am not feeling blogging tonight. I am detailess and it is late and my eyes are already closed. Goodnight my non-existent reader. Goodnight.