Sublime

So I go back and forth and the drama is unbearable and I just lose my mind every week over him.

He came over this weekend and spent Saturday and Sunday with me. He took me to the Olive Garden and we went to see a movie and we cuddled and all that jazz. And my favourite thing? The kisses. Noting raunchy. Well, some were but the ones I loved were when he held me close and kissed my hair or kissed my forehead or little kisses on my lips. I loved being with him. I called him baby and so did he. He told e he missed me and I told him i Missed him too. He stayed with me until eleven Sunday night. He had an hour drive but he stayed. It was lovely. I just wish it were like that all the time you know? I wish I didn't have to live in fear of the next time he pushes me away and I fall to pieces because I know I won't leave. I want him in every way that hurts.

At one point he called me is treasure. I dunno if he was just kidding or being funny but it stuck. You're my treasure, he said. Let's just pretend it was real and he meant it and I really am his treasure.

I still pray for him. If I can get him to see God and love God, then I think we may have a chance. Without God I am stuffed. I need God to work in his life and sort out their relationship first. Then I can see our relationship more clearly.

Please God, work on his heart. Let him open it to you. And then please let him open it to me too. Please?

Surprise.....but not.

I have been an idiot for years. Love is something I don't like to tamper with. I got burned and kept touching the hotplate and now I don't know if I can ever be fixed. I hate it. Oh well. Same old story. Bleh.

Just Kidding

I can be entirely too naive.

It's still the same.

He's not interested.

Does things to let me know.

I let him confuse me and I don't know how to get out.

It isn't cool.

You know, they are never really bad people. They are just greedy. And selfish.

As much as I care so much for him it hurts me to my soul, he isn't going to change is he? I knew that two years ago.

Great times.

Regression?

This could be bad. I had planned to be free of it a long time ago. But I am deeper in it. I think I may be in love with him. Oh dear. Damn it all to hell. I have to wait and see what is in store this year because I am scared a bit. I need to seek God's counsel on this but that is my thought process right now.

So. Long Time.

To be honest I just haven't felt like writing much. Well, sometimes i do but then i get lazy and don't And I was just hit with that feeling now. But the best thing that has happened to me all year happened last night. I went to see Janet Jackson. My celebrity. I LOVE HER AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MEET HER AND I STILL THINK SHE IS THE BEST PERFORMER EVER. I just had to get that off my chest. I was awestruck to be in the same room with her and our seats were good and I loved the whole thing. I went with FB which was probably not the best thing because the few down bits I had that night were because of him. He didn't do anything, he just was being himself and my old ghosts would not stay dead. Ok. Let don't ruin this post with all that. Ms. Jackson was sexy and inspiraional and the best thing I have experienced all year. I LOVE YOU JANET!