So my cousin is bent on setting me up with this guy she met at her job in phoenix this week. I thought she was being silly and joking around.
Um. No. She showed him my picture, told him all sorts of things about me (basically advertising me, lol) and then she gave me his number and bugged me all week till I called him last night.
I was irritated at first because the last thing I want to deal with right now is another guy you know? I have had enough emotional drainage to last me a year in the past few months and I felt I need time to get my act together and learn from my foolishness.
But I called him anyway and we talked for over an hour. I dunno if that means we connected or if it means we are good at small chat. Lol. Anyway, so I talked to him and he seems like a nice guy but I can not really gauge anything over the phone. I'm not sure.
I might be going over there for Thanksgiving and my cousin wants me to meet him. She is really, really adamant about it. I am still wary of even just making friends with guys but then again I think the good in all this is that it has gotten my mind off Flower Bandit for a short while. Plus Flower Bandit is leaving for a month November 2nd. So I figure the more time I spend away from him and the more I have to think about other than him the better right? Then I can move on right?
I dunno, I am confused and a little annoyed but I am trying to live and not be stuck where I am right now. I don't want a boyfriend and I do. Just not Flower Bandit anymore. I am tired of him and the guilt I feel and the constant back and forth crap. I need to move on and I am already flinching because despite its superficial nature, this is one band aid that is going to hurt a little when ripped off.
So. Mark Anthony. He's 28. Hmmn.
He is a computer sales something or another. I forgot already. He got a degree in international business though. He is apparently very handsome. That is not always a good thing but I am being open here. He is articulate (whatever the hell that means) and played college basketball. I dunno.
I won't write him off but I am not terribly enthusiastic about meeting new people right now. But anything to get my mind off depressing things right?
AY. What have I gotten myself into now?
Irony of ironies, I am hanging out with Flower Bandit tonight. I hate me sometimes.
Saturday, October 13
Wednesday, October 10
Query
Is it possible for a man to sleep with a woman and from then on see her as anything more than just a sex partner? If they had not established a deep foundation initially before they shagged, then won't he always associate her with sex? I mean, isn't that what makes easy girls easy? Are they all just uber horny or are they just automatically viewed as sex partners because they have had sex with a guy they were not in a serious relationship with?
I know I am not making much sense but I am confused. My mind tells me to reject any notion that a guy I have slept with will ever see me as anything significant. I mean, how can he right?
Sex is evil. Evil. Lol.
Alright. Maybe thats harsh. But I am thinking a lot about this. I mean, I behaved in a sluttastic manner. And I can not help but obsess over this because I have no idea who the person looking back at me in the mirror is. Who the heck are you and what happened to the sweet smart girl you once were?
He wants to hang out. As friends. He says he cares about me. But how can he? I'm sorry. I am not over the fact that I am not a virgin anymore. I am devastated and I know I need to accept it an d get over it. But this is not me. I don't act like this.
Oh but you do. I did. I messed up. Big. And frequently. And I was wracked with guilt but not enough to stop. I am not who I would like to be. I know there is no point in lamenting and not acting. Act. Fix it.
Ok, this is all over the place. I know I mean nothing to him really. But how do I shut off the part in my brain that hopes for more. That hopes for redemption. Justification. Not so much wanting him. But wanting not to be THAT GIRL.
I am that girl aren't I though? Hmmn.
Innocence was lost and I cant forget. The worst thing I ever did to myself was compromise myself. And I have yet to apologize myself.
And yet I dunno how to end it. I mean, I try over and over again to cut him off completely. Then he makes me feel guilty and I relent. Then he goes on acting like a dick again once he knows he is no longer on my block list. Until I block him again and it all starts all over. I am exhausted kids. I have been tired. What has to give for me to stop brutalizing my spirit?
God. You love me despite myself. I have strayed so far from you that every path I think will lead me back to you ends up being a dead end. I don't even know how to find you anymore. And I am dangerously close to not knowing how to recognize you anymore. When you come to find me and save me form myself, I look at you and wonder who you are. You stretch out your hand to me but I am afraid to grasp it because my discernment is so bad and I am so blinded that I am not sure it is you.
But I know in my heart of hearts that there is something inside of me that can not turn from you forever. I am drawn to you. I am desperate for you though my behavior says the opposite. I need you and so I still seek you deep, deep down inside. But I want to seek you all day. All week. All year. All my life. I don't want to justify my sins, but instead I want to be genuine. I do want what you want. I just need the worldly side of me to be silenced because it is drowning you out.
And there you have the contents of my heart at the moment.
I know I am not making much sense but I am confused. My mind tells me to reject any notion that a guy I have slept with will ever see me as anything significant. I mean, how can he right?
Sex is evil. Evil. Lol.
Alright. Maybe thats harsh. But I am thinking a lot about this. I mean, I behaved in a sluttastic manner. And I can not help but obsess over this because I have no idea who the person looking back at me in the mirror is. Who the heck are you and what happened to the sweet smart girl you once were?
He wants to hang out. As friends. He says he cares about me. But how can he? I'm sorry. I am not over the fact that I am not a virgin anymore. I am devastated and I know I need to accept it an d get over it. But this is not me. I don't act like this.
Oh but you do. I did. I messed up. Big. And frequently. And I was wracked with guilt but not enough to stop. I am not who I would like to be. I know there is no point in lamenting and not acting. Act. Fix it.
Ok, this is all over the place. I know I mean nothing to him really. But how do I shut off the part in my brain that hopes for more. That hopes for redemption. Justification. Not so much wanting him. But wanting not to be THAT GIRL.
I am that girl aren't I though? Hmmn.
Innocence was lost and I cant forget. The worst thing I ever did to myself was compromise myself. And I have yet to apologize myself.
And yet I dunno how to end it. I mean, I try over and over again to cut him off completely. Then he makes me feel guilty and I relent. Then he goes on acting like a dick again once he knows he is no longer on my block list. Until I block him again and it all starts all over. I am exhausted kids. I have been tired. What has to give for me to stop brutalizing my spirit?
God. You love me despite myself. I have strayed so far from you that every path I think will lead me back to you ends up being a dead end. I don't even know how to find you anymore. And I am dangerously close to not knowing how to recognize you anymore. When you come to find me and save me form myself, I look at you and wonder who you are. You stretch out your hand to me but I am afraid to grasp it because my discernment is so bad and I am so blinded that I am not sure it is you.
But I know in my heart of hearts that there is something inside of me that can not turn from you forever. I am drawn to you. I am desperate for you though my behavior says the opposite. I need you and so I still seek you deep, deep down inside. But I want to seek you all day. All week. All year. All my life. I don't want to justify my sins, but instead I want to be genuine. I do want what you want. I just need the worldly side of me to be silenced because it is drowning you out.
And there you have the contents of my heart at the moment.
Wednesday, October 3
AFRICOM
An article by BBC reporter Daniel Gordon caught my interest today. American Imperialism or the pseudo-recolonization of Africa? I'm not convinced I just used that phrase correctly, but since I made it up, no worries. I digress.
Lol. Hmmn, let's see:
US Africa Command - a unit designed to run all of America's military operations in Africa - opened for business this month.
Africom takes over the work currently done by three different command centres, all of them based outside Africa. While it is stationed in Germany for now, there has been a hostile reaction from many African countries to the idea of such a major US military installation moving onto African soil.
And then.....:
The Bush administration insists there's nothing sinister about the Africom initiative.
According to US Under-Secretary of Defence Ryan Henry, it amounts merely to the redeployment of a few hundred personnel.
"All we're doing is realigning that to put it under a single commander, so that we have somebody who is making an attempt to work with Africans on a day-in and day-out basis, rather than three different commanders who have their priorities in other places."
Patronizing? Dunno yet. Already the little African in me is squirming uncomfortably at this. I feel as though I am meant ot be in a cage, swinging from branches just now, but let's don't be hasty, it's still early days yeah?
Let's go on.....:
But not everyone is convinced.
Salim Lone, a columnist for a daily newspaper in Kenya, believes the creation of Africom is a milestone in US foreign policy - and that the fact Mr Bush is advertising it as a kind of panacea for Africa proves that the only future engagement the US plans for Africa is a military one.
"It will militarize society," he says.
"The military now is going to be working with civil society, to promote health and education.
"Africa is going to look at all its development efforts through the lens of the Pentagon. That's a truly dangerous dimension. We don't need militarization of Africa, we don't need securitization of aid and development in Africa."
Well what exactly do we need then? I'm a little bit on the fence on this point but I haven't done intensive research so I must limit my comments for now I suppose.
Ok, last bit....:
Meanwhile, Helmut Heitman says the US is not the only foreign power trying to secure its grip on the region; the difference is others are more covert in the way they're going about it.
"I think China, India and to a lesser extent Brazil will try to expand their interests in Africa," he says.
"But they won't do things as obviously. I think they will only be indirectly involved militarily, by supporting their favoured government, opposition group or warlord."
Hmmn. That is true, especially in Zim right now. Asian Invasion anyone? I'm not degrading and deriding, just stating fact with a somewhat crass cliche.
I was riveted by the creation of Africom, which I had not heard of up until today. Sad, I know but I've been busy lately.
AFRICOM. That sounds like a corporation. It sounds sinister. I am wary of this.
Am I too defensive? Could this truly be aid and not imperialism encroaching on African soil once again?
Why are Africans so stupid I wonder? Why do we watch this all happening and then gape in horror when the few of us with balls (I know, "language Miss Nhema!") become dictatorial and screw us over? We are getting screwed from both ends.
Foolish, foolish Africans.
Lol. Hmmn, let's see:
US Africa Command - a unit designed to run all of America's military operations in Africa - opened for business this month.
Africom takes over the work currently done by three different command centres, all of them based outside Africa. While it is stationed in Germany for now, there has been a hostile reaction from many African countries to the idea of such a major US military installation moving onto African soil.
And then.....:
The Bush administration insists there's nothing sinister about the Africom initiative.
According to US Under-Secretary of Defence Ryan Henry, it amounts merely to the redeployment of a few hundred personnel.
"All we're doing is realigning that to put it under a single commander, so that we have somebody who is making an attempt to work with Africans on a day-in and day-out basis, rather than three different commanders who have their priorities in other places."
Patronizing? Dunno yet. Already the little African in me is squirming uncomfortably at this. I feel as though I am meant ot be in a cage, swinging from branches just now, but let's don't be hasty, it's still early days yeah?
Let's go on.....:
But not everyone is convinced.
Salim Lone, a columnist for a daily newspaper in Kenya, believes the creation of Africom is a milestone in US foreign policy - and that the fact Mr Bush is advertising it as a kind of panacea for Africa proves that the only future engagement the US plans for Africa is a military one.
"It will militarize society," he says.
"The military now is going to be working with civil society, to promote health and education.
"Africa is going to look at all its development efforts through the lens of the Pentagon. That's a truly dangerous dimension. We don't need militarization of Africa, we don't need securitization of aid and development in Africa."
Well what exactly do we need then? I'm a little bit on the fence on this point but I haven't done intensive research so I must limit my comments for now I suppose.
Ok, last bit....:
Meanwhile, Helmut Heitman says the US is not the only foreign power trying to secure its grip on the region; the difference is others are more covert in the way they're going about it.
"I think China, India and to a lesser extent Brazil will try to expand their interests in Africa," he says.
"But they won't do things as obviously. I think they will only be indirectly involved militarily, by supporting their favoured government, opposition group or warlord."
Hmmn. That is true, especially in Zim right now. Asian Invasion anyone? I'm not degrading and deriding, just stating fact with a somewhat crass cliche.
I was riveted by the creation of Africom, which I had not heard of up until today. Sad, I know but I've been busy lately.
AFRICOM. That sounds like a corporation. It sounds sinister. I am wary of this.
Am I too defensive? Could this truly be aid and not imperialism encroaching on African soil once again?
Why are Africans so stupid I wonder? Why do we watch this all happening and then gape in horror when the few of us with balls (I know, "language Miss Nhema!") become dictatorial and screw us over? We are getting screwed from both ends.
Foolish, foolish Africans.
Monday, October 1
Question for the Ages
How tragic would it be if I fell in love with him?
Pretty darn tragic thats how.
Life sux something foul right now.
Thats all I gots ta say.
Pretty darn tragic thats how.
Life sux something foul right now.
Thats all I gots ta say.
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