Prayer for Today

Lord. Help me to let go.

I take life way too seriously and focus on all the wrong things.

Please change me and help me to just let go of things and not have them affect me anymore.

Please let me see that every problem is not the end of the world. And that every relationship that ends will not kill me. Help me not to be affected by them or by other people. Please take away all jealousy and suspicion from my heart and mind and soul. Help me to not care too much about things. That way I will not hurt and my emotions will not go nuts Take away the spirit of jealousy and the spirit of depression. I have no room for them in my life. Please help me not to be affected anymore and not to care but to just let go.

Help me to let it go. Give me peace please.

Amen.

Blessed

I really am. I don't write enough about the good things that have happened to me and continue to happen to me. So I got a car. God must have heard the prayers of SOMEONE out there who is praying for me and miraculously provided for me when I had pretty much given up. I am truly humbled to the point of being baffled. I don't know what to do with this blessing, I honestly don't. It came through a good friend who I have not been the nicest friend to and a part of me feels that God did that on purpose because I rarely appreciate what I have and the people he has placed in my life. I feel bad in a way because I am so humbled and in a very strange way I feel convicted. I dunno what is wrong with me but I m deeply humbled and grateful.

When a woman loves... she loves for real

And typically it is in vain.

On a lighter note, mum might be coming for my graduation. I am truly grateful for everything God has given and provided for me, more than I could have deserved in fifty lifetimes. And yet somehow I feel the same as I did at the end of undergrad. Void. I don't see my graduation as an accomplishment on my part. I feel detached. As if it is someone else, not me. I feel like I am outside of myself and I don't have any real emotions anymore aside from bitterness. Why? I have been so blessed despite this ungrateful attitude. I am grateful and humbled. But something else is warring with my emotions inside. It has been a war inside me for a really long time, to the point where I don't know that it is something that will go away. I see other people and they get happy and excited. I don't have extreme emotions towards positivity. My extreme emotions skew towards the negative and I have no clue why I am not more balanced.

Anyway he is leaving soon and I have tried my hardest but I have no idea what is inside me anymore. Its a void. Its a sad, gaping, white void. Blindingly so. Gosh, why is this the shape of my heart and soul?

The trigger this morning was another realization that no matter how I will it, he will never love me. I teased, saying he is incapable of love. I know that is not at all true. I have seen glimpses of his capacity to love. Others. To love others. And I am ok with the realization now (not really). I don't feel the way I used to for him. Now, the feelings have plateaud and I am a walking void. Sad isn't it?

We will see if one day someone comes by and reawakens me. I am the damned. I am the dead. I am the agony inside the dying head.

Yet another documented bad day.