It's not the man in your life that counts. It's the life in your man."

And the one in my life is chasing after the lives of others and not at all interested. So. Sod him. Sod it all right? Yeah easier said than done. Here goes the roller-coaster once again. It is times like this I really wish I drank and could drown myself in a bottle of something. It's probably good that I don't much fancy the bottle, just an occasional nip here and there and even that is hard to get down. Lol. So. Here we go. Let's get heartbroken and used and knackered all over again. True to form. Why couldn't I be more like Mae West? Footloose, fancy-free and never tethered. Oh Mae, some help here please!

I just hate my horrible life

I have been blessed tremendously in the last year. I have. But I can not help getting down about my life still. Yes I have a degree. But no real job prospects. Yes I have a job right now. But I don't know for how long.

I don't have a car and its hurting me so bad. Having to walk home every night and seeing everyone in their cars. Able to do what they please. And I feel like crying every single day as I wait for the bus or walk home in the cold by myself. Every time i have to ask someone for a ride it kills another part of my independent soul. Or what I wish was my independent soul. I am all alone out here. I don't know that going home would be any better but I am honestly, deeply and completely depressed. And I do not want to be. I am alone. I don't have a car. I feel alone and I am wondering what my existence is worth. right now nothing. I am doing no one any good by being alive. I am not suicidal despite how it sounds. But I am tired. I feel about 100 years old and I am dying slowly inside. I feel like I have nothing at all. I am at the very bottom and I am alone and there is nothing I can do about it.

My heart is black as soot. Bitterness is slowly killing the person I once was. I am literally dying.