Frustrated

Again. I really wish I could embrace happiness more. It's not as if I don't bloody try. Life just bloody gets in the way of things. I am ready to meet someone and not be this pathetic lump of wasted human flesh. I feel very empty. I am blessed cuz God is taking great care of me but I am afraid I don't feel I am taking care of me as well. And I am tired of this. It kinda blows. I was watching stomp the yard of all movies. Lol. But it has been a while since I connected with black people and seeing a "black" movie again reminded me that I need a guy and black guys use to be the only ones that looked at me twice. Now no one really does. HAHA. Ok. Passive aggressive is not cute either. I just feel trapped and stuck in the mud. I need to shake this off. I need to wean off this routine and start enjoying my life more. I am not sure who or what I need in my life but I am ready to be connected to the world again. I miss flirting and having a guy like me. I miss being told that I am prtty or cute, even if it is a lie. Lol. I just miss feeling like a girl and in my life there is no one that can give me that right now. I have friends. I am grateful for my friends but I am missing something. Love I think. I need romance in my life. That's really just it. I am lacking romance. Being loved. Being someone' girlfriend. Having someone call me baby who isn't just a random friend who calls me that by rote. A guy to tell me I look pretty today or those jeans are killin it. Lol. Someone who will introduce me as his girl and tell people we are together, we are dating and trying to see where it will go. I don't need marriage proposals and a five year plan. Right now I would just like someone to invest in me as a romantic interest. Someone to say "Hey girl, you are worth my time and attentiona and real affetion. I am into you. I do not want to play games or just get mine, I care about you more than most people and I want you by my side, not just as a riend but as my girl."

Seems simple enough. But for me it is very elusive. I just don't want this to lat forever. I don't want to be overlooked or forgotten. I want someone to invest in and be connected to.

Here's hoping.

Boob Envy

So. I have been chatting with my litle sis a lot lately. She is 17. I have not seen her in about two or three years because she is back home and I am stuck in America with no money to travel home.

Anyway I recently told her to change her FB picture and she did to her prom pic. She is growing up to be a pretty young thing. But she is slightly bigger than me and as a esult has bazongas that are as big as my head. Lol. She isn't overweight or chunky, I am just smaller. She is only 17 and I'm in my late 20s. And I feel a really disturbing sense of boob envy. I always have but now its my little sister. Ugh.

So I googled to see what is acceptable boob size. Im a B cup and have always had people say my boobs were invisible. People out on the World Wide Web are full of BS i think. They all say size doesn't matter, but it does. An article by ASKMEN.com the author said that single guys care about boob size more but once they fall in love with a girl that it doesn't seem to matter as much anymore. Hmmmn. Well, isn't the main attraction for guys breasts? So how do you get to the love stage when you have itty bitty titties and can not get to the date stage? Why wuold a guy pass up big casavas for little ones no matter how delightful Pippy SmallTit is?

Anyway it just got me thinking about what is a good size and why some of us are ondemned to having this torturous boob envy that drives some to the extremes of altering their appearance through surgery. It makes me mad but women and men alike praise and value a certain perfect body with perfect boobs and that always leaves someone out there feeling inadequate. I don't care how confident you are, boob envy has crossed your mind once or twice if you have itty bitties. And all the jokes (need some clearasil for your chest?) and name calling (mosquito bites)just proves that it is important and that women with smaller breasts are not as desireable. Tragic really. I guess I better buy a cat soon. Lol.