Sadder Than Blue

I wish I could take a pill and forget the last five years of my life.

They have been filled with heartache, pain and mistakes I can not take back. They say mistakes make you stronger and give you wisdom. I want to believe that with all my heart but in my case the truth is that my mistakes have ruined me. They have diminished my spirit and stolen my soul.

The memories haunt me and will not leave me in peace. They make me feel so worthless. I wish I could take them back but I know that my life will never be the same because of them. I never intended to be a misery. To let bitterness and pain destroy who I am. But somehow it happened.

I feel worthless to be perfectly honest with you. I feel like I have wasted the gift called life and it deserves to be given to someone else. I have spent the last 6 hours crying. I used to hate crying. But now it is all I do. I am filled with so much hurt and no matter how many tears I cry, I can't seem to wash it all away and start again.

I thought I knew better. I was the responsible one growing up. I thought things through and learned from mistakes other people made. I never thought I would destroy myself but I have. The last five years of my life have been the worst. I just acted. Four of them. Four.

I met Bigg when I first moved to the states for college. I did not like him initially but we developed a rapport and I began to like him. Then it became clear he didn't feel the same way and I was hurt and pushed away. Then I met B. At first B was just a way to get Bigg out of my head. It had never been serious with Bigg so it was fairly easy to forget. Then I began to fall a little for B. I knew he was interested in sex from the beginnning but I was not that kind of girl and did not have any experience in that area. But the more I liked him the more restless I got. And then B must have gotten bored with me. I moved, he moved and we talked a little less each time. And so I flew out to see him for a weekend. I was delusional and lonely and hurt. Mistake one.

I cried for weeks. I had lost myself in that moment and I didn't realize how much. Mo came along. I never truly liked him but needed someone to like me because my ego was hurt and I was lonely. I knew it was a mistake just giving him the time of day. But I did. And I figured I had lost myself anyway. Mistake Two.

I met "Jackson" later. I didn't really like him either, Again lonely and in need to be liked by someone. Mistake three. It makes me sick to just remember how cavalier mistakes two and three were. Sick to my stomach to even think of it.

And then the icing on the cake. FB. I didn't know too much about him at first. He worked with me and I needed to get Jackson away from me. I saw FB at work everyday and slowly I began to develop a harmless crush. It was kind of cute to be honest, But then I heard FB was in a three-year relationship with a virgin. And I heard FB was quite a bit older than me. So I was crushed in that schoolgirl kind of way and decided to forget him. But he began to call my phone and text message me and Facebook me and I could not stay away. And the crush became stronger. Oh I knew very well how wrong it was and I often asked God to forgive me. And then FB and I began hanging out pretty much everyday. Him and 3-year-open-relationship-girlfriend were having problems and he had moved out. I pretended not to like him. We continued to hang out a lot. Mistake Four. And I was only 23. It had been only 2 years since mistake one. I made four major life errors in 2 years. I could not believe it so I did not think about it.

But here is the worst part. Even though Bigg and B were the only ones I had ever liked, I fell in love with FB. Maybe I'm naive and foolish but I believed I was in love. And he was not. For the third time I had been rejected by someone I cared about deeply. This was the worst because I was deep in it and I had been hurting and he made me feel good and bad all at the same time.

The point is I look back on the last five years and just weep bitterly. I destroyed my life. With such ease. I destroyed it over romance. Ironically I had never been on a date until B. And I was 22 then. He was my first kiss. My first heartbreak. And FB was my second. And my biggest because right this minute I still love him.

And he wants to remain best friends which we kind of are. I can't get past it because he is still in my life. And my head hurts so bad right now because I have been crying all morning. Mourning my own death a few years ago when I gave my heart out like an idiot and saw it ripped apart over and over again.

So now I don't want it anymore. What good is a heart when it only breaks? What good is love to me if it can not be returned? What good am I if I don't want to join life.

I just feel like such a fool.

I wish I could take a pill and forget.

And I wish I could take a pill and be cleansed of my past. I wish I could be clean enough again to join God in heaven. Because I don't have anything left here. I let it all go with just one mistake. And now I'm tired and want an eternal sleep.

So why do I feel like, just like the other men in my life, you are rejecting me too God. I would understand why you would, but I don't understand why I still have hope if it is in vain. I want to be with You God. Away from this horrible place. Make me clean and take me away please.

Miss Him

So you are not gone.

I speak with you everyday. But something is very different.

I know I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care so much. But I do.

I feel empty and uncomfortable. I hate it.

He is right here but he seems gone form me. He isn't the way he used to be and I am losing him all over again.

Abs

I am alternating between hating my tummy and having zero hope and having some hope. I bought an ab aerobics dvd today. Lol. I am working on getting a sexy body. Oh my goodness is it just me or does Valerie Bertenelli (however you spell that one) look amazing? I saw the latest Jenny Craig ad. I have no idea how old she is but I want her stomach. I'm so jealous. I am working toward the Janet abs. I dunno. Here's hoping.

I wish I didn't care so much. If I could just switch off I would. But I find myself caring and thinking and buying cards and missing and wishing he would call or text. I am disgusted. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't. I want to just curl up and live under a rock, I hate this. How long will I have to be like this? How long Lord? Please. help me out of this hole I am in.

Ok. Another dismal post. I need to try harder.

Got the Job

Am very grateful/ I was truly blessed to get it so thank you Lord.

I am still in turmoil but I am beginning to think it is not going to go away soon. I am just sombre. I'm not sure if that is accurate but it is how I feel.

I am going to start working out for real tonight. Class was canceled so I have a little extra time to go and change and come back and work on these rogue abs of mine. My tummy is flabby. A skinny girl with a flabby tummy. How gross is that thought? Lol.

I am not as happy as I may sound. Lol. Ok, I dunno if I even sound happy. But anyway why dwell. Just live through it and hope it dies down someday.