I stole that one from Jaz's blog because it was the most profound thing i have heard in a good while. Rather obscene, yes, but still profound. Brilliant.
I spoke to a man this weekend. A man in my past because apparently i can not get enough of living back there. Nostalgia is a vile wench. So i spoke to him and somewhere along the journey down memory lane i took a wrong turn on Screw Up Ave. It was messy. I think in some warped accident of reality, i told him my feelings for him from yester year. What would possess me to go back to that. I had vowed to take it to the grave. And instead of the whole incident proving therapeautic, i think it only set me back the few steps i had spent the entire year painfully making. I erased all my hard work in a careless slip of the tongue.
Technically, i did it on purpose. I am rather skilled, if i do blow my own horn for a second, at deceptive games. I know lying is nothing to take pride in but it is not lying, it is simply planting healthy seeds of doubt about something that may be true but i do not want to person on the recieving end knowing for sure. It is sort of my twisted form of confession. Good thing i am not Catholic, i would be bound for hell. But i tell someone the truth about me, and for my own "safety" i contradict it and cause the person to doubt the truth in what i have said. It works brilliantly all the time. And i think it may have backfired just a little this time because my emotions hijacked my common sense and line between feelings i have now and feelings i "got over" got very blurred.
I told him how i really felt about him. I hadn't actually told me how i felt about him so you could say we were both rather shocked. He unfortunately was shocked to silence and then refused to continue with the discussion. I got heatedly angry with him, then he got angry with me for not dropping it and finally we got off the phone in faux amicability. I'm not convinced that is an actual word but it fits.
You want to know what is laugh-out-loud ironic about it all? He has just moved. To D.C. No, no, it doesn't stop there. To the same school as the other man i have screwed up miserably with, literally. They are in the same field. At the same school.
Well done me.
2 comments:
Well let me start by saying thanks...I thought my quote was "brilliant" as well.
And wow...I know how it feels to try and rehash old memories/feelings/etc. in the name of therapy. But often times it has a way of screwing you over in the end.
I'm sure you'll live. That's life. Sometimes you open up and have a revelation and other times you open up only to have your head removed.
Life goes on. I still love you. Deceitful little games and all.
Muah!
Life marches on friend. Its easy to say not to worry about it, but perhaps someone cuter, taller and richer will grace your path sooner than later and erase this madness for you.
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