Bigg called. i was in class but i saw my phone flashing and his name flash up. I had another hour and a half of class left but i have no clue what transpired from that point. I had butterflies. He gives me butterflies.
Peanut gives me butterflies too. Except they keep flapping around annoyingly in my head. He confuses me.
i got my permit today. Finally i can join the ranks of mature....adults. Driving. Responsibility. I don't really want it but it's necessary.
Thursday, June 30
Wednesday, June 29
question mark
Just went to some butthole town an hour away with red cuz she wanted someone to ride with. She had to pick up some shoes and as it turns out I bought a new pair. I know. I'm useless. In my defense I really don't have shoes so it was necessary.
So I know that hanging out with red annoys me after a while and yet I still am that ever-hungry glutton for punishment, excuse the horrible cliche. So in the two hours and some change I spent with the girl.....doing her a damn favour....she got on my nerves. Joking but unaware of her own ignorance. Her stepdad is South African and the racist son-of-a-witch doesn't even know me but hates me because "I killed his people." Blasted lunatic. He has his facts screwed up. White South Africans like him are not human beings, they are the devil's minions. They are the ones that kill black Africans, the true owners of the damn continent. And for him to have the audacity to say that the few white farmers who have been killed over political unrest over land rights (land that they stole and capitalize on) in any way compares to the thousands of lives lost when their racist asses showed up in the first place is a slap in the face. Bloody ignorant fool. I realize that my generalizations put me in the lower level of thinking he seems to have made his dwelling place intellectually and that I come off as racist in turn, but I am agitated and strongly suggest those who read this, bear that in mind and let me rant for a second before I can be classy and objective once again.
So she felt the need to inform me of this and basically put me and my People down. She said she disagrees with him, laughed a little and said "...but I still luv you." Hmmn. K. I let that one go. For the sake of not getting ugly. Speaking of ugly. She then psuedo-subtly calls me ugly and coupled with her constant reference to me being 'scrawny' is not only irritating but offensive. She cannot be so stupid as to think I am flattered by such a statement. Scrawny is just not one of those words that makes you blush you know? I do believe there might be an ounce of malice there. Little things like this are an every meeting occurrence and yet I put up with it. I do not know why. Her friendship is truly not vital to my well being in the least and I am sorry if that sounds bad, I don't mean to sound so cold. I like certain things about the girl and at times we seem to click. But when is the proverbial line drawn? Does that make me a doormat for all the people I interact with? Case and point, she is a subset of the bigger picture. Could it be that my inability to befriend people who are beneficial to me emotionally is the root of my relationship angst? If so, how does one fix that?
So I know that hanging out with red annoys me after a while and yet I still am that ever-hungry glutton for punishment, excuse the horrible cliche. So in the two hours and some change I spent with the girl.....doing her a damn favour....she got on my nerves. Joking but unaware of her own ignorance. Her stepdad is South African and the racist son-of-a-witch doesn't even know me but hates me because "I killed his people." Blasted lunatic. He has his facts screwed up. White South Africans like him are not human beings, they are the devil's minions. They are the ones that kill black Africans, the true owners of the damn continent. And for him to have the audacity to say that the few white farmers who have been killed over political unrest over land rights (land that they stole and capitalize on) in any way compares to the thousands of lives lost when their racist asses showed up in the first place is a slap in the face. Bloody ignorant fool. I realize that my generalizations put me in the lower level of thinking he seems to have made his dwelling place intellectually and that I come off as racist in turn, but I am agitated and strongly suggest those who read this, bear that in mind and let me rant for a second before I can be classy and objective once again.
So she felt the need to inform me of this and basically put me and my People down. She said she disagrees with him, laughed a little and said "...but I still luv you." Hmmn. K. I let that one go. For the sake of not getting ugly. Speaking of ugly. She then psuedo-subtly calls me ugly and coupled with her constant reference to me being 'scrawny' is not only irritating but offensive. She cannot be so stupid as to think I am flattered by such a statement. Scrawny is just not one of those words that makes you blush you know? I do believe there might be an ounce of malice there. Little things like this are an every meeting occurrence and yet I put up with it. I do not know why. Her friendship is truly not vital to my well being in the least and I am sorry if that sounds bad, I don't mean to sound so cold. I like certain things about the girl and at times we seem to click. But when is the proverbial line drawn? Does that make me a doormat for all the people I interact with? Case and point, she is a subset of the bigger picture. Could it be that my inability to befriend people who are beneficial to me emotionally is the root of my relationship angst? If so, how does one fix that?
Monday, June 27
mental masturbations
A phrase i learned from Frier. When you conjure up things in your mind that are not necessarily the real thing but bring you temporary pleasure and at times you can't help doing it. It's still not healthy though. Ok, that may be my own interpretation of it.
just spoke to Peanut. He said he wants to see me. Wants to watch movies with me, chill with me, kiss me. Because he enjoys doing those things. i've missed him. open to interpretation.
i have been missing something. For a long time now. I have realised quite stupidly that i have been missing God in my life. I have been missing Him being central. i'm truly scared. i have messed up so badly. so badly. i dunno how to even approach the issue. i have balled up into a fetal position with my hands over my head and crammed myself into a soft, comforting place. i just realised it was in His chest. i've been hiding from Him against His chest and didn't even realise it. that is why i have been in a constant emotional funk.
Bigg crept up into my mind again. i think i am going slightly mad. how do i get closure? please tell me.
the cost for the fleeting minute of bliss brought on by mental masturbation is a sinking feeling of extreme emptiness. like self-induced rape.
i am completely open to suggestions at this point.
just spoke to Peanut. He said he wants to see me. Wants to watch movies with me, chill with me, kiss me. Because he enjoys doing those things. i've missed him. open to interpretation.
i have been missing something. For a long time now. I have realised quite stupidly that i have been missing God in my life. I have been missing Him being central. i'm truly scared. i have messed up so badly. so badly. i dunno how to even approach the issue. i have balled up into a fetal position with my hands over my head and crammed myself into a soft, comforting place. i just realised it was in His chest. i've been hiding from Him against His chest and didn't even realise it. that is why i have been in a constant emotional funk.
Bigg crept up into my mind again. i think i am going slightly mad. how do i get closure? please tell me.
the cost for the fleeting minute of bliss brought on by mental masturbation is a sinking feeling of extreme emptiness. like self-induced rape.
i am completely open to suggestions at this point.
Sunday, June 26
Friday, June 24
You are supposed to feel better once you figure out you've been a deluded moron about something
I had a talk with Frier yesterday. It made me think hard about me. She kept telling me to figure out what I wanted out of life in general and relationships in specific. I assessed the Peanut file. I opened it up, reviewed the evidence and the literature that I have avoided, and then I interrogated the suspect and got a chilling yet subtle confession. He wasn't aware that he confessed but I got what I needed to know. And I came to a conclusion. Key word being conclusion. I have grossly miscalculated and now the Peanut file is right next to the Bigg file in the filing cabinet labeled "BLUNDER."
I made a horrible mistake. Out of desperation. And restlessness. And now my heart bleeds a little in place of tears that are too superficial for my self-respecting mind to allow my body to conjure up. Despite the superficiality that should have been blatantly apparent to me all along, something seeped through the cracks of my pseudo-steely barrier and went deep. I thought I could get what I need from Peanut. But he was never offering it to begin with. I cannot be at all mad at him for what he told me last night. He has been an "on-the-surface" kind of guy all along. He's been consistent. It was me that was looking for what lies beneath. I thought I could trick myself. Well....yet again the joke's on me isn't it?
I made a horrible mistake. Out of desperation. And restlessness. And now my heart bleeds a little in place of tears that are too superficial for my self-respecting mind to allow my body to conjure up. Despite the superficiality that should have been blatantly apparent to me all along, something seeped through the cracks of my pseudo-steely barrier and went deep. I thought I could get what I need from Peanut. But he was never offering it to begin with. I cannot be at all mad at him for what he told me last night. He has been an "on-the-surface" kind of guy all along. He's been consistent. It was me that was looking for what lies beneath. I thought I could trick myself. Well....yet again the joke's on me isn't it?
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