Hopeless.

I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I am trying Lord but I can't do this. I am not made for this. I just want to be held in your embrace and I want to be shielded. It hurts so much and it has hurt for so long and I am hopeless Lord. I am hopeless and in pain and I just want to be captured in your embrace.

God help me please.

Can I nibble on you?

It confuses me when he flirt like that. And tells me how beautiful my smile is from recent pics on Facebook. I hate being confused about him because I feel like I am going backwards the twelve steps I took forward over a really long time. Ugh. Don't read into it, just keep on steppin' girl.

So my TV is busted. I can hear but there is no picture. Ugh. Frustration anyone? Lol. So last night I decided to watch old episodes of "The Facts of Life" on hulu. Lol. Yay, memories. I used to love that show and I was all into it but my silly PC is super old and so it was playing a little funny but it was a nice flash back. I realized that Tootie could be my little sister's twin at that age. They look just alike. Hmmmn.

I really have nothing to say today. I have been having a REALLY hard time waking up in the mornings, even with enough sleep so I dunno what is going on with me but it is not cool. Hmmmn. I just feel fatigued. Like seriously. I took off yesterday because of it and of course that is the day everything decides to go to hell. Nice. I am pretty sure H was upset with me cuz it turns out she had not gotten much sleep either. Bollucks.

But I was feeling pretty crappy in general and all of a sudden, with no prodding from me, FB texts me about how beautiful I look and how gorgeous my smile is on the new pics on FB. As if I needed more confusion. Lol. Ay. What to do what to do?

Friday

I have always thought my cousin P looked a lot like Janet. I just told her that the other day and she said she hadn't heard it in a long time, and she was beginning to worry it had changed with age. Lol. I hate her for looking like Janet. But alas.

I have not heard my celeb-likeness in a while. For a while people said I looked like Lauryn Hill. Lol. And before that when I was in my bandanna and belly top stage, people seemed to think I channeled Aaliyah. I like both ladies very much but it is still no Janet. Plus no one has said I look like them in a really really long time.

Clark just told me he has a girlfriend. Has ha a girlfriend for 5 months now. We barely talk now because of the distance and because telecom in Zim sucks. Anyway I am happy for him. But I just spiraled into this whole AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET CONDEMNED TO BE ALONE FOREVER. Lol.

It is a sad day. I am headed back to the old city for Kenya's graduation. She is so excited. I hope I don't put her off with my horrible attitude lately.

On a funny note, I applied to jobs at Harvard. I think that is funny. Aim high right?
Ah, life.

From Super Skinny to....not so Skinny???!!

So was chatting with my co-worker today and she expressed how she has lost 30lbs in 4 months. She refers to herself as formally fat, although I have known her for about that long and I don't think she was fat and I am not so sure about her size difference. She says she was a size 10 and is now a 0-2. Erm....

So it jarred me a little, I don't think I'm fat. I have gained weight for the first time ever over the last year and a half. It has been shockingly not what I wanted even though I pined to be a bit bigger cuz I was always so skinny.

So I am a size 3. I am 5'4. I'm mid-twenties. She says she is a size 0-2. She looks about 5'4 or 5'3. She is early 30s. She looks bigger than me if not the same size. Except I have a bigger booty, a black girl's booty. Hmmmmn.

It was just a weird thing I thought I would ponder on. I admit I have not been to the gym in weeks and I have been hugely inactive. Am I getting fat? Should I nip this in the bud now? I think I need to get a trainer. Lol. I am a little non-plussed by this whole weight thing now. When the devil did THAT happen?

Apparently my Monday was not destined to go too well

Just got a call from my credit card company. Someone has been using my card online. I have my card in my wallet (well technically it is in pieces now in the rubbish bin) but someone still stole my identity and used it. I feel ill. Not good eats. =(