Glimmer of hope with my aunt. i do not think i have written much about her condition for personal reasons. I tend to shy away from painful thoughts like that so i bury them. In any event i will say that there is a glimmer of hope and i really truly pray God pulls through. What little faith i have, of coarse He will, He always does. He's been faithful to me when i was spitting in His face. I am so lost in spiritual limbo, i feel like i will never be close to Him. I want so desperately to be close to Him but i feel hindered and i hate it. I find it hard to pray these days. I find it hard to concentrate on Him but i so want to. I need Him.
B called me last night. I dunno where that is going. I mean, we will talk, but there is no real depth to it. I mean we talk about important things and about personal things, but i don't feel us progressing into anything. Perhaps i am just impatient. I should give it time. We did.......play however. Over the phone. How gross. I don't really like it but i like him. A lot. Why? I dunno. I want him to be happy. I know that sounds like i am compromising myself, but then again he never forces me to do anything i don't want. I just feel hypocritical all the time, like i am living the opposite of what i claim. I am a virgin and i am celibate.....till marriage. But i am also human. I do not like when the human in me overpowers the spiritual being i truly am because then i am truly compromising myself for something that is fleeting, shallow and not worthwhile. And i feel if i do not put boundaries now, in my head, then when i am confronted with the real thing i will not have the discipline to stop or say no. And that terrifies me.
Proverbs says that a man who keeps bad company will become like them. I am not saying my friends are bad company by any means, but quite honestly, they are not edifying to my spirit. They do not believe the same things i do and though that is fine and has nothing to do with our friendship, it also hinders what i am striving to be. But at the same time Jesus hung out with dubious people....but i am not as strong as He is. He was an influence to his friends. I do not think i nfluence my friends to turn towards God because when i am with them, i blend. I do not want to be a fanatical crazee that they try to hide from all the time, but i would like once to witness to them and feel like......i dunno. I do not agree with most of my friends' beliefs and/or practices, but i love them dearly. E, P and J all have sex with their men. That is their perogative and it doesn't make them any less Christian, but it is just one way they compromise God at times. It is like they are insistent on driving and being in control and it is all about their rights and what they want to do and that is so not the right way to go. Migsy is gay and i believe that it is a tormenting thing, but at the same time i believe it is wrong too. I could never explain this to him and get through, but i love him dearly. I am torn. Although we say all sin is equal, it just seems some sins get more play than others and Migsy feels like people who believe his lifestyle is wrong do not know how it feels and how much of an inner struggle it is. He's right, we don't. I don't. But i know what my heart is convicted to believe. When i look at him or think of him, i do not see a sinner or a gay man. I see more than he'll ever know. I see the vulnerable, conflicted side of him that he tries so hard to hide from everyone...including himself. Why am i blessed with this pseudo-psycho x-ray vision into him? I dunno. I just am. I wish i could talk to him. I desperately want to but what would i say? I do not know how to explain the inexplicable. I pray for him all the time. And our friendship. I hope he never has to resent me. I do not resent him in the least.
And then there's me. I am not exactly a model Christian myself, i do things that are wrong daily. But i am striving. And i hope my friends are striving too. Despite everything. I suppose that is why i do not really feel close enough to any human soul to not feel so lonely all the time. The loneliness is all consuming sometimes. Like today. I was around people all day, but i felt like i was trapped on an island all by myself and though i could see help, it kept passing me by. The thing about being lost in loneliness is that you cannot get a map and find your way out of it. You have to be rescued. You have to be found. I am desperate for someone to find me.
