Ok Lord. We have been back and forth with my emotional roller-coaster for a while now haven't we? I have tried to let go so many times but each time I got drawn back in. Its has been exhausting and mostly my own fault but Lord, you are with me and I thank You for seeing me through this mess.
I love him. You know I love him so so much. I am not sure what Your plan is for us but you know in my heart there is this hope that will just not die. He said he loved me. Finally. It was too late and he was leaving and now he is gone but he said he loved me and he wanted me. Now he says he wishes I were with him. But is that enough Lord? Is it enough to tell me after he has already left? After he had four years to make up his mind about me and make me his? I dunno. All I know is that I love him and there is not much I can do about that right now. Its sad but true. I love him. And I want to believe him when he says he loves me. That it is not just easier to say now that nothing is easy.
Lord, please make his love for me real, or else please let him be honest and tell me how he really feels. I can't live like this much longer. I long to see him, to be with him but there is very little I can do right now. Jesus, please help. I love this man to death and I want to be with him.
Mum told me to write down the desires of my heart and pray over them. Consider this my form of writing. I know your will is perfect and for my best interests. You love unlike any man could ever love me. Your love heals and builds and sustains. So Lord here are my desires.
If you are willing, please make a way for R and I to be together in a loving, monogamous, lasting relationship built on trust in you. I know I doubt you way too much but Lord, forgive me of my little faith and unbelief at times. I trust you and I know you are the Author of all things good. Please Lord, if you are willing, please let R and I have a healthy relationship and please let us be together forever.
Ok, I know I need to have put this first and foremost. Please save R. Please let him give his life over 100% to Jesus and no other god. Please minister to his heart and send your angels to make Your presence known to him daily. Please love him and change his heart towards you Jesus.
Lord, I pray that his family can back off a little and let R live his own life. He loves them all so much and he has such a kind spirit in him, please Lord, give him a break where his family is concerned. Please let his mum be proud of him and love on him. Help her to see past all the things that worry and stress her out and please let her show her oldest son love. Help them to grow in their relationship and please bring her and the rest of that family to Christ. I pray for them and ask for your blessing and for your Spirit to descend upon them. And please let them ease up on R so he can enjoy his life and not resent them. Please mend the stresses between that family and let your Spirit overhaul their spirits and bring peace to R and his family.
I pray for peace in R's life. I pray that no matter what happens, that You bless him with peace and salvation.
And if you are willing, please let me be in his life and in a loving, spirit filled relationship with him
Make me a better woman Lord. Make me a stronger believer that I can pray in faith for R and all my loved ones. Create in me a spirit that will help and not hinder and please search my soul and remove all selfishness, jealousy and insecurity so that I may be a blessing unto others and not a burden to their spirits. Please help me to get over my jealousy of the girls in R's life. Help me to accept your will and give me peace about R. And please hep R to decide if he wants me in his life as more than just a friend. Help him to have courage and declare his love and his intentions to me. Strengthen him Lord. and please always watch out for him.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.
So, I wrote it down and I will keep praying. Watch this space.
