I admit it. I have had a case of the "I Wants" since I was a wee little thing. With God that is. Of Course every so often it is interrupted with a Thank You but mostly it is "Please, please, please?" and "I know I ask you for a lot.....BUT...."
I'm not saying I shouldn't ask God for stuff, he is my Father and my provision after all. It's just I feel very needy and very beggy all the time. I have been thinking about what I want in life right now and thats where this train of thought came from.
It really hasn't changed much.
I want a full-time professional job. I have been applying, not for very long I understand but still, I have been. Nary a word. I am a little bummed about that. But thats silly and childish. Silly silly girl. Patience.
I want friends. But I want the disposition to be able to be a good friend to those friends. I have fallen out of practice I'm afraid. I have been alone for a long time and so my friend skills are rusty. Exhibits A,B,C and D: The few friends I do relate to right nw. Not very impressive on my part I dare say.
I want to be Happy. I really do. I was going through an old journal of mine and one of the entries was from when i was 16 and I was going on about sad things and how I wanted to be happy and not sad all the time. I was appalled. 16. I don't believe I have been in this miserable state for so many years an I have yet to emerge. Tragic. I need to emerge. Life is too short to be sad all the time I think. But how? Hmmn.
I want a car. This is usually translated into "I NEED a car" but I do. I am immobile and at 24, that sucks. It sucks it hard.
I want a companion. As much as it grosses me out to say that right now, since I have a bad taste in my mouth still from my relationship errors and mishaps, but I think despite myself, the hope is still there. I am trying to crush it. Not a good thing but I'm being honest here. I am sad and disappointed at the notion of a companion and how much bloody work it is. But I dunno if there is hope for something real. I better cut this one off right here, I can feel the lump forming in my throat and I dare say it tastes of bile and salt.
I want.....
Well thats the main problem you see. I mean, I do have very vague ideas of what things I might want. And yet I am utterly confused as to what it is I really want specifically. In any respect. I have no idea. Perhaps thats where the lack of motivation stems. I am rather discomfited by this realization. Bugger.
Bugger.
But I need to look past the negative and focus on the good. I am indifferent but its better than bitter. Isn't it? I sure hope so.
The next thing better be blooming happy or else I am scribbled. Lol.
