He has a kid.
Her name is Nadia and she's three. That's all I know right now.
Ok, I realize I have been AWOL for a long time now but I am still talking about the guy I was talking about last blog. I was kinda dating him. Kinda. It's complicated. He went home for the hols, about three weeks during which we had zero correspondance because of the sitch back home and also the fact that we were not really at that stage yet. He came back right before New Years but he was sick so I didn't see him till after.
He came over a few times. We just hung out. Nothing bad. Then this past Sunday he came over and was meant to stay for half an hour. He stayed for a few hours. And it went too far. And I told him I'd rather just be friends. He admitted he was not looking for a commitment anyway. Fine.
Tuesday I get an email and he tells me there is something about him he wanted to tell me before I found out on my own but that he had been afraid to tell me because he didn't know how i'd react. I asked him what, via email as our schedules are both hella busy. He was being elusive all day and into Wednesday too. Ok, seriously now. I told him I wanted to know. He sent me an email that I didn't read because I worked late and then went straight home where my internet connection is periodically dodgy. I called him. He said he was with his sister and couldn't really talk but that he'd explained in his email, Ok. So by some magic of technological accident I was able to get my internet working and checked my mail.
He said he's got a daughter. A daughter. A three year old. He's 25 this year.
Bloody hell.
I haven't talked to him since. I ignored his calls and messages yesterday and only responded via email last night. I'm upset.
I know it wasn't going to go further even before he told me but I am really upset. He let Sunday night happen knowing that he had a child he hadn't told me about. I am not blaming him for Sunday night. I deliberately let my guard down and let it happen though that still voice in my head kept shrieking at me to stop and not to stupid. I was stupid. I wasn't even.... well let's just say it wasn't worth it on my end. I had to force him to be smart about things. But last week it almost happened and it was happening for about three seconds before my brain kicked in and told me to stop him. He wasn't wearing anything then.
Bloody friggin hell.
Now he tells me he's a father. Shocked? I shouldn't be. He is rather keen when it comes to sex. I am always the restraint and I am also always the one who points out that he needs to be smart about it if he is going to. But I let myself down Sunday. He was protected but still. I'm not on anything.
Thats really not the point here. He has a kid. A child. Another human being that has his blood and genes and calls him daddy I imagine. I don't even know where she is. I dunno anything because I refused to talk to him yesterday. I was a bit shellshocked to be honest.
Why wouldn't he tell me? Why? And why would he allow us to go that far and still not have warned me?
I am not upset he has a kid. I am not judging him for it. I understand that things happen, mistakes are made and you learn to deal. I am not condemning him having a child. I am upset that he failed to mention any of that upfront. He didn't tell me. HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE HAD A BLOODY CHILD. I'm angry at him for that.
Am I wrong to be? Am I overreacting here? I am sick with dread and anxiety and worry. I don't think I'm in "trouble" but the paranoia is bloody overwhelming you know? I am irregular and haven't seen aunt flo for months and that worries me even further. Why do I attract these people? My new year's resolution has gone down the loo hasn't it? I did it. I can't blame anyone else for my weakness. But my God.
Am I wrong for being angry with him? Is it really my business to know that about him considering we were not together? I am angry and angry and even more angry. My stomach is in knots and my head aches.
He has a child dammit. A child.
